Dear Gov. Sarah Palin:
Governor, I must start this off by saying that I truly admire you. No, that’s not a joke. I look you in the same way I look at John Madden. You say the most random things that make the least sense. Yet, somehow you continue to get people to listen to you.
How do you do it? It literally amazes me, and I really would like an answer.
I also want to know why you won’t take responsibility for any of your shortcomings or flubs. I mean, didn’t Michael Phelps just admit that he choked himself on some weed until he needed to down 12,000 calories worth of munchies? Didn’t he get off with nothing more than a wrist slap?
Why would it be so hard for you to be polite like Lil Wayne and say, “No, Miss Katie, I don’t read the Washington Post. It’s too liberal for my tastes. But I do get The Moscow Times. I can see the newspaper delivery thingamajig from my backyard.”
Seriously, though. Why are you — months after losing the election — trying to stay relevant by blaming any and everyone you see? Don’t you understand that’s not the John Madden way? He gets that his vocabulary is limited. He knows a parrot can phrase better sentences (Think: “Ninety percent of the game is half mental”).
He has embraced his faults, and parlayed that into a swell broadcasting career and the most successful video game franchise known to man. Now, I’m not saying that’s possible for you. I don’t know anyone who would be interested in playing a political video game based on an Alaskan governor with five children. I do know this, though: Your family would be impossible to care for on The Sims. There would be too many babies crying.
Speaking of crying, stop blaming Tina Fey for attacking your personality. She enhanced who you are. You should be thankful. She made you in a matter of two short, viral video clips. Yes, she cost you some votes. That’s really your fault, though. She only repeated every nonsensical thing you said, literally. But for your sake, we need a positive spin. Think of it this way, she kept you from potentially embarrassing yourself if you and Sen. John McCain won and he died in office. Your presidency could have been worse than W.’s.
But I’m off base. Back to admissions.
I wouldn’t tell you to admit that your infant child is really your daughter’s. Crossing that line is wrong. Families aren’t fair game. But I do think you should admit that you were a big reason McCain didn’t win the election. That’s just an exercise in humility. And you might even score a few points with some moderates.
You could lead a few other blame-aholics down some righteous path that they never thought possible. Namely, Larry Johnson of my beloved Kansas City Chiefs, Adam “Pacman” Jones, Terrell Owens, Jamie Foxx and his alcohol, 50 Cent, Kanye West, Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton. Think about it, you could be the third member of the GOP to genuinely want to do something good for black people (I do like and respect Gen. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice).
Honestly though, it’s a little late. And I’m not sure how much good it would do you to accept your faults now. You could try to win the Presidency in 2012, but I think you have a better chance of beating Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Didn’t you call yourself a pitbull with lipstick?
Anyway. If I were you, I’d ride this Governor thing out until the wheels fall off. Or until you start trying to sell Senate seats.