1. Facebook Friend Purgatory

Friend RequestedTo the one person who refuses to neither accept nor deny my Facebook friend request:

I don’t know if you will read this, but I am not-so-secretly hoping that you do. That’s why I’ve opened this note up to friends of friends. We have around 50 mutual friends, so this has a better chance of getting to you than a bottled note set out to sea.

I hope this letter finds you in good health and good spirits as I would never wish anything ill on any so-called friend of mine.

I’m writing this because you have had me patiently waiting in Facebook friend purgatory for more than a year now. I feel like Neo at the beginning of The Matrix: Revolutions, trapped in between two worlds waiting to be saved by the Train Man. But I don’t think this train is ever gonna come.

Why have you not acted? Seriously. Enough white people decided in the last year that they could consciously vote for a man based on the content of his character, and not his color. Now, a black man is president. But it takes you more than a year to decide whether or not we can be virtual friends? Did you even vote?

I mean, I obviously know we aren’t the best of friends. But we’ve had many good conversations over the years. OK, maybe they were four or five years ago. And maybe those stimulating dialogues weren’t as frequent as I’d like to remember.

I do remember you scowling at me from time to time when you thought I may have maliciously wronged you or because you’d heard some random rumor. But I thought all of that was smoothed over with the engaging, yet sporadic, instant message conversations we had after graduation.

Surely, I thought we were cool enough to be Facebook friends. I mean, I did take you out for dessert once. So what if I paid for it with a gift certificate I won with a raffle ticket I didn’t buy. I still took you.

I guess we’re not that cool.

It’s crazy because even all of my exes, the ones on Facebook, are my friends. But not you. I’m friends with people I’m not even sure I remember, but have so many common friends with that I feel compelled to accept their requests. But not you. Former bosses, old co-workers, wives of people I met once and even a few people who, on sight, might confuse me with another one of my black Facebook buddies litter my friends list. But not you.

God forbid she ever joins Facebook, but I’d confirm my mother as a friend. I think. Well, maybe not my mother, but you get the point.

For a while I wondered if this was just some bad karma coming back at me like a misguided boomerang. See, I do have one person sitting in my pending friend box that I refuse to confirm or deny. But that’s because the first time I denied said person, he wouldn’t believe that I didn’t want to be his friend. He unwittingly tried again.

So there that person sits, idle, in friend request purgatory, but with reason. I’ve only requested you once, and had you denied me of said internet friendship then, I would have accepted that with some semblance of humility.

I wouldn’t be dumb enough to request you again. I would understand that you don’t want to be Facebook stalked by me.

But you, you have no justifiable cause for leaving our friendship or non-friendship idling behind the gray words “Friend Requested.” No grounds. No excuse. No case. No rationale. No … yes, I used the thesaurus to search for more appropriate synonyms for “no reasoning” just to keep saying you’re wrong. None seemed to work.

Like our non-existent friendship.

It’s OK, though. There are still 540-plus people/friends who are willing to accept that we are, or once were, somewhat familiar with each other in this life (There are definitely a few I might have deleted before that Burger King promotion lost its legs, and I still might. But I’ll save the why for another note).

I guess they’ll have to suffice. And this will just have to be another long-winded version of self-medication. Yes, I write letters that I will never send. But this isn’t one of those.

And if you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t even want to know the why (i.e., don’t reply). Just click “Ignore” already.

Your Former Acquaintance,

Damon

P.S. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you accepted my friendship on MySpace, and subsequently deleted it for no reason a year later. lol.

cc: Mark Zuckerberg

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39 responses to “1. Facebook Friend Purgatory

  1. Hi, this is a comment.
    To delete a comment, just log in, and view the posts’ comments, there you will have the option to edit or delete them.

  2. I agree w/ Mr. WordPress completely.

  3. LMBO!!!
    My dear Damon, you are really, really a complicated yet simple man.

  4. I’m still on the Train Man…seriously? LOL. Definitely got a kick out of this one.

  5. yeah, that was a good one. just click ‘ignore’ for petey’s sake…lol

  6. D, my brotha, it’s gonna be ok. She will soon figure out that you have a childish crush and ignore you. Thus, putting you out of your misery. This is hilarious.

  7. Uhmm, don’t you have the option to cancel a friend request? or is that just on Myspace.

  8. thismayconcernyou

    There is no cancel option, although there probably should be one. And thanks to those who’ve read this thus far. I thought it might be a good and whimsical read, so I wrote it and shared. I’m glad you’ve liked it.

  9. A. Who ever this chick is is clearly not worth your time.
    B. I am not sure the connection bn her ignoring your request and VOTING FOR THE MOST POWERFUL OFFICE IN THE WORLD is valid, but I will give it points for creativity.
    C. LMAO re the dessert !!!
    D. You don’t think the myspace cancellation was a sign?
    E. You should submit this to a magazine or something. This is great stuff

  10. you are a damn good writer Damon

  11. you are a damn good writer Damon

  12. thismayconcernyou

    AG, I’m clearly not worried about this person. It – this note, not the chick – was worth the time because it had the potential to be funny as hell before I wrote it. lol. But seriously, I could care less about this person. Thanks, Shelley.

  13. You already know how I feel about it 🙂

  14. It’s sad how even technology can reject you! It’s ok Damon…LOL!

  15. i’m 100% dead. you’re OUT OF CONTROL! and zombie me loves it!!!!! XD

  16. Yo until I got to the part about it being a “she” I would have sworn this was about me. And sadly enough, my mom is now on facebook. And I also let her friend request sit for a few months before I decided to accept it. And even then, it was only coersion that made me do so. But to get back at her for invading upon my freedom of expression, I posted pics of her and my dad on prom back in the 70’s. I think she may unfriend me now…

  17. thismayconcernyou

    J, it’s definitely not about you. Although, you should figure out who it’s about rather quickly. It’s clearly not mean spirited. It’s just jokes. But all this about your moms on Facebook is hilarious. You left moms in facebook friend purgatory for a couple of months and then posted 70s pics of her and pops (I saw those). Hilarity. tell me what you think of the actual blog when you get a chance.

  18. muahahaha… i deny people all the time
    and don’t feel bad about it either! LOL!

  19. Yes, I am guilty of this… I finally just clicked the ‘ignore’. You’re right, whats the point of drawing it out?

  20. I don´t even remember who I friend request so I’m impressed you can keep that stored a year later!

  21. Damn, this is hilarious. You’ve been in limbo for a year while she looks past your friend request every time she logs on. You KNOW she sees it. LOL.

  22. -273,

    I KNOW she does. It sitting there every time she accepts another friend. The funny thing is, this person actually has the gall to comment on some of my Facebook pictures, too. Hilarity at it’s finest.

  23. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all month. Some people deserve to be in Facebook purgatory. Others deserve to be banned altogether. Great humor.

  24. Just go in and block the person, then unblock them. Friend request is now revoked!

  25. that would take away from the unnecessary drama.

  26. This is strange. I don’t know why people do that. It’s like bastard you know we know each other and mark my words eventually this person will want or need something from you

  27. loved it! so funny 🙂

  28. That’s a damn shame.LOL!

    Too bad you can’t take back your request.

  29. Very funny read…why is it that we get so caught up in the denial or acceptance of “so called friends?”

    My jaws seriously hit the desk when I realized that I have over 100 “friends” on said list, I converse with a half dozen of them, and often ponder why I accepted anyone other than my family (that was the main purpose of joining for me)

    I enjoy looking at “snap shots” into peoples comings and goings, but if I couldn’t anymore, my world would keep revolving.

    “Real friends” are in real time…virtual friends are “existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name”

    Which brings me to the conclusion…why am I not tossing those “friends” of mine to the curb? Not like they’ll miss me any more than I’ll miss them…

    LMAO @ unnecessary drama…who doesn’t love a great drama?

  30. Ok, I’m late as all hell–found you through Awesomely Luvvie–but I am very guilty of leaving people in Friend Purgatory. I’ve got about 12 people there now.

    For me, it’s not malicious–I just have no idea how these people know me. A lot of them have sketchy profiles up, or have set it up so you have to be their friend to really see their info, so that doesn’t help. Some of them I’m guessing by our “mutual friends” must be folks from my high school, but I don’t remember them at all. There might be a reason I’ve put them out of my brainspace.

    I keep them there, thinking one day something will ring a bell. It never occurred to me that they would keep checking to see if I accepted.

  31. Holly GoLightly

    Hilarious but true…. this adventure is about to get fun… onto letter 2!

  32. you all are right, as usual. Nothing i say can get you to change your attitudes and minds about me. I give up. I told my brother already that I surrender, but I guess HE has deeper problems than I thought.

  33. ever heard of cyber bullying, or harassment? Each one of you are guilty of doing that. and by the way i’m not NOT not a she.
    those who get pleasure out of this are the sick ones, not me.

  34. Oh just delete my comments, now you’re doing what i’ve been accused of doing.

  35. OR, not oh

  36. I feel your pain. Also I post but no one comments. No one comments (this is an echo from the void my posts make). Actually one very special person did comment, he is the actual star of this season’s Survivor and he did comment to a post I made. I felt loved for a moment. Thank you Russell.

  37. Lol idk if you guys realize but he is sending this letter to Mark Zuckerberg, the co-founder of facebook, lmfao imagine how many friend requests he has…

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