Dear Kanye West’s Hair:
Would you please tell the person with whom you share DNA to taper you down? No samples will be necessary … yet. But we, his fans, want to help in any way possible. We all understand that he’s been through a lot in the last year or so. The album 808s & Heartbreak aside, nothing has said that better than you, his hair.
For the last six months, I’m pretty sure you’ve been screaming at him for the shears the way a dusty car yelps at its owner for a wash. To no avail. The problem is that Kanyeezy thinks he can do no wrong. He earnestly believes he “could stand there in a Speedo, and be looked at like a (bleeping) hero.” Those are his words, not mine. And that’s some serious false hope.
I wish that I could tell him that you, his hair, look as horrible as a baby with diarrhea smells. If he literally wants to be “the (poop) and the urine,” so be it. But it’s not a sound idea, and I think we, his fans, have the man’s best (public) interests at heart. He’s one of my favorite rappers. I want the guy to succeed.
But it’s tough. When I see him on television or in pictures, all I can do is shake my head. You know what I’m talking about. You were at the Grammy Awards with him. You know what you two looked like on stage with Wayne, Jay, T.I. and M.I.A. (Lord, I don’t have the brain capacity to comprehend why that woman was on that stage playing the part of a pregnant ladybug expecting her water to break any moment). Can you make sense of the debauchery that you are? Did you even try to stop him or try to talk him into putting on a Fedora or a comb through you before he hit the stage?
It’s hard supporting a man known for being clean cut when he openly decides that he wants to be the Black Shaggy from Scooby Doo. It would be different if he was Anthony Hamilton and you were a part of his soulful image. That would be somewhat acceptable. But Kanye is supposed to be the preppy, smart aleck rapper who keeps that fresh taper consistent. You, Kanye’s hair, are just a danger to the black man swayed into believing you are a good non-haircut.
Now, I know you have little control. And I don’t know what to tell you. I guess I suggest that you just keep screaming as loud as possible in the morning so that when Kanye looks at the man in the mirror he sees glimpses of Michael Jackson about 30 years ago. That should eventually scare him into the barber’s chair for a Caesar. Keep hope alive.
Dame (definitely not Dash)