9. The People Who Think I’m Gay

To The People Who Think I’m Gay:

Sorry, I’m not. This could end here, but that wouldn’t make for a therapeutic letter or a good read. So here goes.

During my junior year of high school a fellow musical theater student continually asked me if I were homosexual. Day after day. Week after week. He’d lob the question out there. I’d tell him no every time. I swear I was an unassuming kid.

I really played Schroeder in this play in high school

I really played Schroeder in this musical in high school.

Eventually, I went to my mother to ask her why this guy kept picking on me. She led me to two Bible verses and then said: “You know, he’s probably gay himself.”

I had never quite thought about it like that. How prophetic. That same character made his way out of the closet three years later. And now you can better understand why I apologized to you at the beginning of this letter.

Before I continue, I feel compelled to speak to the gay community the way President Obama spoke to the Muslim world. I do not hate you. Heck, I even have a few gay friends. You may think that comes across similar to the way a white person tells you about his one black friend. But I have the sincere belief that openly gay people are some of the bravest inhabitants of this crazy world.

That still doesn’t mean I care to see two men or a female couple kissing in public. For that matter, I don’t want to see a man and a woman tonguing each other down in the mall, either. Save that stuff for the privacy of your homes. This, and VH1, is  why we have 8-year-olds who know that blowjobs aren’t Popsicles.

I digress.

I know I have a few tendencies. I have way more female than male friends. I think crossing my legs is just fine. And maybe I do have too many shoes.

President Obama at the UNITY Convention in Chicago in July 2008.

President Obama crossing his legs at the UNITY Convention in Chicago in July 2008.

But let me explain: I have more female friends because I think women are easier to converse with, and I think they help prepare me for a potential wife. I cross my legs because it’s comfortable, and hell, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Denzel Washington, Will Smith and President Obama do it. And the shoes? I think everybody — gay, straight, bi-sexual, poor, working, middle class, rich and wealthy people — should have a plethora of nice, comfortable kicks. People look at your feet like they look at your hands (manicured hands also shouldn’t be a designation).

Lest I forget, not every man who does musical theater is homosexual. That’s just a bad stereotype.

Honestly though, I’m too square to be gay or a manwhore. Believe it or not, I’m actually petrified of having children I can’t afford out of wedlock with a woman I barely know. The idea of becoming more susceptible to catching sexually transmitted diseases doesn’t tickle me, either. And I’ve been crushing on some girl every year of my life since I was five.

Go figure. It’s all really that simple.

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it’s imperative that I say the following: I don’t believe in gay marriage, but think civil unions are just. I think liberals and gays who don’t understand why blacks didn’t support gay marriage in California need to spend three Sundays in a Black Baptist church not officiated by Rev. Jeremiah Wright. I’m sure he’s not as bad a man as he’s been painted, but that would still be too easy.

And if you think all gay people are going to burn in hell, you probably should go ahead and pick a number. Yeah,  there’s a lofty chance you’ll be joining them there because of your burgeoning desire to judge. You’ll probably find the likes of John G. Roberts, Jim Rome, Curt Schilling, Charles Barkley, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Campbell Brown, Sandra Day O’Connor, Clarence Thomas and myself there as well.

Not Thurgood Marshall, though. He’s like the Black Moses of civil rights. He can’t go to hell.

Seriously… please just do two things. Stop judging people you don’t really know. And don’t worry about me in the afterlife because I pray for forgiveness after each letter I write.

Two fingers (no, not the middle ones),

Damon

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26 responses to “9. The People Who Think I’m Gay

  1. well said my friend…

  2. You just had to use a McCain phrase in your comment. lol.

  3. HA!!! Love it! and so true… must add you to blogroll…

  4. I dig it. Blog is good stuff. I agree that nailpainting, musical performing, and wearing nice comfortable shoes possibly by Steve Madden should not group one into the scale of being judged as gay. Lame. People that judge are lame – basically sums it all up.
    Peace out.

  5. re: scrabble tournament… email me at jirzygurl@gmail.com

  6. Thanks Just … you’d be amazed by how easily you’re judge for what some people perceive to be a misstep … that’s really all this is about. Thanks for reading …

  7. ‘F’ A JOHN MCCAIN…

  8. reply to my email…

  9. I’m definitely glad I wandered over from 20sb. This is such a great concept for a blog, and a great letter for me to start out on (my ex – VERY straight – crossed his legs all the time).

  10. Michelle Patrice

    Really? People think your gay? I just thought u were very well dressed all these years. ROFL!!! Ha!!

  11. thanks peeps, Just keep coming back because I have the pins set up and I’m ready to bowl a 300.

  12. hmm… it’s me again. this article is interesting. i am curious about the need to publicly defend sexuality. i could go on a self-righteous rant about how homophobic black men are, lol, but i’ll stop here.

  13. bgwlh,

    I frankly could careless about what people think about my sexuality. That’s just for the jokes and self-deprecation. The entry is more about getting people out of the mode of judging people in general. And yes, black men, in general, do have homophobia. But when you really do have friends who come out of the closet that you’re close to, you have no choice but to accept them for who they are. I’ve been there a few times. And it was hard, but more so because I had little to no clue.

  14. Pingback: 10. Dudes Who Wear Skinny Jeans « This May Concern You

  15. ok, i think i understand a little better. i have a few black male friends who are still ‘in the closet’… i don’t think they’ll ever come out because of 3 words: the black church.

  16. bglh,

    I think you’re right. There’s a problem with black men on the down low. Some of them won’t come out because of the black church and because they’re afraid of what it will do to them socially. I think we all know a few of them. The hope is that they don’t have a cover (a woman), and won’t mess up someone’s life by giving them something …

  17. I love how eloquently put this is…

    And I totally agree…
    Just cause I don’t enjoy seeing two men/women hugged up doesn’t mean I necessarily love watching a man and a woman dry hump either….

  18. On second thought, this one is a better choice. You would have to have a picture of Kanye’s hair for it to really work. PeAcE.

  19. bgwlh,
    the black church seems to be able to stunt a lot of spiritual growth to me and that bothers me.

    a very good friend of mine recently came out the closet. i don’t think his mother knows what that means yet-when she really figures it out i think she might die.

    to me, that’s a lot of pressure for society to put on a person, i mean if i cannot effectively express myself across the board, then how would i express myself period

  20. this was very well written and i agree with what you said.. completely. I also find it sexy that you did Musical Theatre. I guess because I was in Musical Theatre all through high school. I think its actually smart.. isnt that where all the girls are anyway!:)
    Your comment about california is dead on…

  21. First of all, folks are so quick to accuse men of being gay just cause they like being cleaner and more concerned about their appearance.

    And YES. I am proud that you have a closet full of shoes. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Carry on, Dame.

  22. Excellent post! I think people benefit from not assuming things about others, but very few take that road (whether they end up being wrong more often than not).

  23. Try the book, “On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep with Men” for information about race and homosexuality by J.L. King and you may further your understanding of the phenomenon.

    Cheers

  24. effing brilliant man

  25. complete rubbish i cant believe they let people like this write hate messages just keep this crap in your head

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