10. Dudes Who Wear Skinny Jeans

Ed’s note: To get the irony/meaning of this letter, I implore you to step back and read No. 9 (The People Who Think I’m Gay) first.

Dear Fellas:

We are only a few letters into this project, and we’ve already learned that we have a bevy of problems in this world. Some have easy solutions (cut your hair, Kanye and clickignorechica). Others make no sense. This is unquestionably the latter.

I’m befuddled by this predicament.

You see, when a woman decides that she wants to wear plaid, baggy jeans, a hoodie and or some Jordans, there is little to no problem. It’s OK by most standards. But when a man — who is clearly not trying to be RuPaul — decides that he wants to wear women’s clothing … well, we have a situation.

Now, I’m not one to contradict myself (this is a lie), so I’m not going to judge you at all. I’ll leave that up to whoever is supposed to do that. I’m just going to write this and let what happens happen. Here goes nothing:

No explanation needed here.

Halter tops, stilettos, dresses, skorts and skinny jeans. These are articles of women’s clothing and shoes. All of them. Case closed. So why is it that somewhere, somehow someone thought it would be a chic idea for men to walk into a department or designer store, try on and buy jeans made for women? (I know what most of you reading this are thinking, but I’m not going there. I can’t do it considering what I wrote yesterday.)

Eventually, some straight men and designers decided they would go along with the fad, too. The trend made its way to the runways, and now male celebrities — rock stars, actors and hip hoppers alike — are eating it up so much that Lil Wayne is trying his best to make it gangsta to rock skinny jeans.

Ain’t that a trip? Wayne, the hip hop artist with the most current success (he has the Grammy, record sales and Gatorade endorsement to prove it), is really trying to make so that hip hoppers transition from the laissez-faire, 25-year trend of baggy and saggy jeans to the polar opposite: wearing jeans so tight that there’s no possible way you can sag or even put two nickels in your right pocket. The only people he, and others who have succumb to this God-awful movement, is doing proud are the city politicians who have passed laws against sagging pants (google Dallas, sagging pants). And even they are likely looking at you all — dudes in skinny jeans — wondering, “What in the world got into them?”

I declare. To paraphrase Jay-z: I wouldn’t wear skinny jeans even if my knots did fit.

Riley Freeman explains to Granddad why is outfit is cool.

There’s one thing I do know, though. Aaron McGruder must be a prophet. McGruder, the creator of “The Boondocks” cartoon strip and television show, parodied something similar in an episode just over a year ago (“The Story of Gangstalicious, Part 2”). Men actually followed a trend set by fictitious hip hop icon Gangstalicious who wore halter tops made from wife beaters, skorts and a manbag. Riley Freeman, a primary character with a gangsta mentality, even fell victim.

I can’t make this up. But McGruder did … well before this mess of a fad snowballed. I want to know where McGruder got that foresight. That stuff is invaluable prior to situations like this.

But now, all I can do is hope that you, dudes in skinny jeans, realize that this is maybe the worst male trend to come around since Hammer pants. If you can see what I’m talking about, you’ll stop what you’re doing immediately.

Disgruntled Again,

Damon

P.S. Shouts out to the People’s Champ RVS  and the “Skinny Jeans Are Not Gangsta” Facebook movement for the knowledge.