To The Black Mike Brady:
What? You don’t see the similarities? They’re all there and then some. You — not Wayne — are clearly the de facto kingpin of the Black Brady Bunch.
Still not working for you yet? Let me present you with your dysfunctional family tree. Well, as much of it as I know:
You: married Nicole. Had six kids together. Met Mr. ‘My My My.’ Divorced Nicole in 2005. Dated Scary Spice. Got her pregnant. Got with Tracey Edmonds. Liked it so much you put a ring on it. Denied Scary’s baby. Lost the paternity test. Exchanged wedding vows with Tracey. But never made it official. Broke that one off, too. Decided to add Eva Larue to the mix.
Nicole: Divorced you. Started dating Michael Strahan who rightfully divorced a wacko nutjub who told a judge their twin daughters needed $27,000 a month in accessories because one of the then 18-month-old twins didn’t like to leave the house without a purse, and they needed to match. Still dating him. I think.
Scary: Didn’t use Maury Povich to prove it was your child. (see “You:” above for other details) Married someone else. Did “Dancing With The Stars.” Currently collecting a fat child support check from you.
Tracey: Married Mr. Whip Appeal. Had two kids. Divorced second half of LaFace citing the ever-ambiguous irreconcilable differences. Soon ended up in your lap. (see “You:” above for to fill in details) Started dating a celebrity chef.
Mr. “My, My, My”: This running joke/rumor has been out there so long that I don’t even laugh at it anymore.
I wonder what would happen if you took the four other adults bolded in this letter on Family Feud and played against the actual Brady Bunch. Do you think your squad could get along for 30 minutes and even compete? I’m not so sure.
OK, a why-so-serious question: I know money isn’t a problem, but do you realize the strain you, your suitors and your suitors’ suitors are potentially putting on these kids with all this relationship switcheroo?
And a not-so-serious question: What is Thanksgiving dinner like at your house?
P.S. Please don’t clown me like you did Reggie (Dave Chappelle) in “The Nutty Professor.”