16. LOL Abusers

Dear LOL Abusers:

Before the lampooning begins, I must point out that I didn’t think of this one. My fellow Mizzou alum Jon brought it to my attention through a thought-provoking Facebook status.

Jon, in his infinite wisdom, pondered this: “When people write ‘LOL,’ how often are they actually laughing out loud?”

In this case, I’m one of you, a self-admitted LOL abuser (if only Sarah Palin and her Blame-aholic cohorts realized how easy the first step, admission, is). If I think something is funny, I’m conditioned to type “lol” the same way I want to hurl when I taste mayonnaise.

After reading Jon’s thought, I had to to ask the following of myself:

Self, do I ever laugh out loud when I type ‘lol,’ or do I chuckle? I might actually lol about 10 percent of the time, and chuckle the other 90 percent. Maybe we really should be typing c.u.m.b. — chuckling under my breath. Nah, we can’t do that. That acronym sounds and reads like a word no kid should ever say or send in a text message.

One of Jon’s friends said it’s more like 95 percent of the time that people aren’t laughing. That friend then said that when he laughs out loud that he types “lmao” — which you already know means “laughing my ass off.” I use this one as well. But I’m still trying to figure out exactly how to do it — laugh my ass off. It doesn’t seem feasible.

I can “lutf” — laugh until tears fall — but I’m not sure I will ever laugh my ass off. Just like it’s not likely that you’ll ever “bake the hell out of that chicken,” but people still use the phrase ‘the hell,’ daily. Hell, I’ve used it a few times in the process of writing these open letters.

It’s another one of those wrongs we’re not righting anytime soon. Idk. But I do know this, though: I’ll never stop hating mayonnaise. And I can’t tell you why, either. That’s life. Smh.

C.u.m.b.,

Dame