Dear Future & Current Crazies:
I know too many of you. I’ve dated a few of you as well. And even a couple of you I don’t necessarily like that much have tried to force a Lifetime movie or three on my eyes and ears.
Notice how it didn’t work? Remember how I so much as stopped hanging out with you in settings where you might try to get me to watch one or an episode of Desperate Housewives?
I’ll admit it. I’m a sucker for SITC — still doesn’t make me gay — because the writing, at times, is impeccable. So are the stories. Hell, I once held an SITC marathon/Independence Day barbecue with two female friends during a college daze summer. But I’ll pretend my mother named me Usain Bolt and swiftly distance myself from any pack of you women trying to force even two minutes of a Lifetime movie on me.
Every single, solitary story has the same plot: Girl falls for man. Ignores overt signs of his craziness. Permits her own delusions of grandeur for the sake of blossoming “love.” He beats (robs, rapes or lies to) her (might even kill her). She finds some way to overcome the situation (if she’s not dead). The relationship ends. He goes to jail … or she righteously kills him.
The only things that change are the characters names, races, ages and job descriptions. And the man is never the protagonist. He’s always the cause for drama.
Why would any male in his right mind actually sit through two hours of man-bashing at its finest? And to think, I have a few female friends who are so nutty that they’ve made their men miss playoff football games to watch freaking LIFETIME MOVIES?!
Women, I implore you to rethink this. Watch the Lifetime channels on your own, if ever. Don’t let a man know that it’s one of your favorite pastimes. He’ll know that you have — or are developing — major unresolvable issues. Don’t make a man miss playoff football, baseball or basketball for a Lifetime flick. If he’s white and lives north of the Mason-Dixon line, add hockey to the list. Don’t believe me? Trust, he will despise, and cheat on, you.
Hell, the movie might give him another idea. He might have a homicidal thought or three about you. Stop for a second and think it through. This is not a game. It’s your life on Lifetime.