19. Women Who Swear By Lifetime Movies

Dear Future & Current Crazies:

I know too many of you. I’ve dated a few of you as well. And even a couple of you I don’t necessarily like that much have tried to force a Lifetime movie or three on my eyes and ears.

Notice how it didn’t work? Remember how I so much as stopped hanging out with you in settings where you might try to get me to watch one or an episode of Desperate Housewives?

Not exactly a man's idea of a Blockbuster night flick.

Not exactly a man's idea of a Blockbuster night flick.

I’ll admit it. I’m a sucker for SITC — still doesn’t make me gay — because the writing, at times, is impeccable. So are the stories. Hell, I once held an SITC marathon/Independence Day barbecue with two female friends during a college daze summer. But I’ll pretend my mother named me Usain Bolt and swiftly distance myself from any pack of you women trying to force even two minutes of a Lifetime movie on me.

Why?

Every single, solitary story has the same plot: Girl falls for man. Ignores overt signs of his craziness. Permits her own delusions of grandeur for the sake of blossoming “love.” He beats (robs, rapes or lies to) her (might even kill her).ย  She finds some way to overcome the situation (if she’s not dead). The relationship ends. He goes to jail … or she righteously kills him.

The only things that change are the characters names, races, ages and job descriptions. And the man is never the protagonist. He’s always the cause for drama.

Why would any male in his right mind actually sit through two hours of man-bashing at its finest? And to think, I have a few female friends who are so nutty that they’ve made their men miss playoff football games to watch freaking LIFETIME MOVIES?!

Women, I implore you to rethink this. Watch the Lifetime channels on your own, if ever. Don’t let a man know that it’s one of your favorite pastimes. He’ll know that you have — or are developing — major unresolvable issues. Don’t make a man miss playoff football, baseball or basketball for a Lifetime flick. If he’s white and lives north of the Mason-Dixon line, add hockey to the list. Don’t believe me? Trust, he will despise, and cheat on, you.

Hell, the movie might give him another idea. He might have a homicidal thought or three about you. Stop for a second and think it through. This is not a game. It’s your life on Lifetime.

Sincerely,

Dame

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26 responses to “19. Women Who Swear By Lifetime Movies

  1. I hate Lifetime movies. I literally hate them. The acting is always horrible, the storylines are very depressing, and there’s always something better on. I don’t know why women subject themselves to the badness.

  2. Kick rocks! Lifetime rules…m’kay…..

    BTW I don’t make the fiance’ watch them, but if he happens to walk in while I’m watching it and he gets sucked in by the drama and decides to sit down and find out what happened, it’s not my fault!

    I’ve already got him hooked on ‘Days of Our Lives’….no seriously, when I get home to watch my recorded episodes from earlier that day, he’ll pop in and tell me what happened….his response…’I was watching it during lunch and that’s the only channel that will come through on the breakroom television…’

  3. He may watch one with you on your time, but he won’t watch one whilst the game is on, will he?

  4. I beg to differ on this one. Now see, you didn’t gather all of your facts before writing this letter. These movies contain more than one plot. Let’s not forget the stories about teen issues (drinking, drugs, sex, pregnancy). These are relevant issues in society. Lifetime may be informing parents of issues that their teens are exposed to that they were not aware of. Lifetime movies are saving lives. ๐Ÿ™‚ I would never force my man to watch Lifetime-ESPECIALLY over sports! That would just be ridiculous-only if he wanted to. ….

    Signed,
    A “Lifetime” Lifetime Movie Lover

    P.S. You know I had to go back and edit all my exclamation points. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Why can’t I go back and edit typos on this thing? Oh well…..

  6. I fixed it for you Tierra ๐Ÿ™‚ and you know I don’t mind your use of exclamation. lol. It’s the people who use 10 of them in succession to say hello.

    And you shouldn’t want to be with a man who will watch a Lifetime movie with you rather than watch the game. That’s just not right. lol.

  7. Lol, thanks!

    And no sir. Let’s be clear-I DO NOT want a man that would rather watch Lifetime with me than watch the game. That would be a problem. Depending on the game, I will even skip the Lifetime movie. Believe me, I definitely appreciate my sports loving men!

  8. Touche’….you’re right he would NOT miss the game for this stuff. Especially during the playoffs, and if boxing is on, ALL other things are put on hold!

    @Tierra

    You’re exactly right, those movies are NOT all the same plot and many of them do deal with very serious issues in our society that need to be addressed. Sorry, I could watch Lifetime all day on a rainy Saturday…lol

  9. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there are a few decent Lifetime movies. But you both have to admit that 90 percent of the film portray men in a negative light.

    Plus, I’m conditioned to skip by those channels no matter what.

  10. There are a nice amount of the movies that do project men in a negative light but you have to understand that the network is geared towards women and women’s issues. Alot of women deal with cheating, rape, abuse and murder and in most of those instances a man is the one doing the nasty deed. So, that’s why it may come off that way.

  11. you should watch the Oxygen show ‘Snapped’ it definitely shows how crazy we can be and what we can be capable of in a negative way…lol

  12. … JLBD, I understand all of this … I just can’t understand why any woman in her right mind would want to project this onto a man.

  13. Lifetime is banned at my crib when I’m home. I remember when I went to my folks’ house a couple times and my mom had my dad watching that shit. I had to let him know that his penis was in danger of being revoked if that continued.

  14. You are a HOOT. My favorite movie of all time is Pulp Fiction. Chick flicks are not my cup of whiskey.

  15. Big Man, I actually laughed out loud at the line you spit to your pops. HILARIOUS!

    And he so needed to hear it.

    Suz, I can do some chick flicks so long as they’re mostly realistic. I’ve never been big on Pulp Fiction (I need to watch it again), but QT’s Kill Bills are classic films.

  16. Completely on point. Out of sheer boredome or lack of anything slightly more entertaining being on, I’ll sometimes settle on lifetime while channel surfing. There’s almost always a desperate, insecure, weak-minded white woman being played, beaten, or controlled by her (or another woman’s) man. Point blank: You’ve seen one, you’ve seen em all.

  17. yeah, ‘Pulp Fiction’ is my favorite movie of all time and definitely Quentin Terrantino’s best movie hands down…

  18. omg…cheat on you…because of a limetime movie!

  19. You are wrong, D. Actually, there is some versatility to Lifetime flicks. You forgot the movie(s) about the girl who was raped by her stepfather and then grew up to be a serial killer turned babysitter, who then kidnaps one of the kids she watches and raises her in an Amish town.

  20. This is a a hilarious post. Honestly, as a kid, I used to love Lifetime.. they’d do an entire weekend of scary films. Lately, I have slacked off, I use Liftime to put me to sleep… Same routine come home Sunday after church, have a snack, turn on Lifetime, and I’m good for a nap.

  21. As a female…. 1. I absolutely hate LIFETIME MOVIEs!!! (I am specific b/c I like Army Wives… what, military kid… don’t judge me!)

    2. All the movies are about some helpless idiotic woman who is too naive/dumb/ditzy/dingy/retarded to see the love of her life in her face/guy she’s dating is psychotic/bestfriend’s sleeping with her husband/the babysitter is certifiable or she overcame some tragedy like divorce/hospitalization/learning her son is really gay even though you knew it and admonished him for it/stood up for you retarded child/raised your sibling/rape/emotional,physical,verbal,spiritual abuse/or abuse of any kind.

    Completely sucks!!!

    You get a bajillion points from me for being a fan of SITC!!!

  22. D-Man,

    I definitely agree w/ you on this post. Those channels are so horrible (not to mention irresponsible) that they were officially banned in my college household (Ray, Byrd, Tice and I). We de-programmed it on every TV so even if some girl decided to disobey the standing orders she was met w/ the “Gray Static”. I implore other men to do the same.

    Our household motto was: Rule w/ an Iron Penis!

  23. Even audio FRAGMENTS of those things make me cringe, due to shopworn notions of gender politics/roles. I am convinced that “conventional” TV and film of the last 15 years have provided stronger female characters than the typical LMN “film”.

    Not only do today’s female characters have greater physical prowess, but I am of the mind they also show greater force of character-in one regard or another, they are tacticians. Casual observers like me would point to “The X Files:First Person Shooter” as an example.

  24. i may only watch these movie because they’re so bad, they’re entertaining. i am insulted that they think women like that crap.

  25. Pingback: Women Who Donโ€™t Watch Sports | FreshXpress.:.The PULSE of Young Black America

  26. My DAD of all people watch this crap. I can’t stand any of it and this is coming from a women! I can spend all day ranting how I loathe this network but then I’d be turining this comment into an essay. Sometimes my Mom will come around and say “I saw a good movie today” but then I have to tell her watching Lifetime movies doesn’t count,nothing “good” comes out of it. There is a particular doozy on today which prompted me to find this website where people share my mutual hatred.

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