22. Adam “Pacman” Jones

Dear Pacman:

This may come as a surprise, but I actually get you. Well, somewhat. I could never possibly get what would make a man want to hurl $100 bills (or singles for that matter) in the air at once for effect so that any random stripper/person (who hasn’t worked for the money) to pick up.

That’s just not smart. But I do understand you on another front.

Pacman probably thinking about heading to The Dallas Gentlemen's Club after practice.

Pacman probably thinking about heading to The Dallas Gentlemen's Club after practice.

I know why you went on national television during the playoffs saying that you were welcome to the idea of coming back to Dallas after the Cowboys announced that they were cutting you. I know this made no sense to most people. But I got you: you love the Dallas strip clubs.

Admit it. There’s no way, and I mean no way in hell, that you stayed out of the Dallas strip joints. For you, that is utterly impossible. You want to know how I know? Because I’ve been to a Dallas strip club … once. And I can humbly say that the next time I step foot in the DFW Metroplex I will again frequent a strip club.

I have only been to two in my entire life. Once for a bachelor’s party. The other, about 20 minutes after I stepped off a plane at Love Field in May 2008. I got into a car with four of my good male friends — a resident Dallas “expert” and three of my boys from Missouri.

Right there, we made an almost unanimous decision to experience Dallas’ nude scenery. I would have been the lone dissenter if we were in Kansas City. I’m clearly not a strip club fan. I think it’s a waste of money on something you should be able to get at home — especially considering every pole dancing class closes up five minutes after it opens these days. But I was with my boys in another city, so I followed the current.

When our host pulled into the club parking lot we all thought we were at a Cineplex. Yes, they do strip clubs bigger in Texas, too. I won’t go into the details, but I will say that after paying a $10 cover I only spent another $15 inside. I think $8 of that was on a drink. Yet, somehow I had one of the best experiences of my life, as did my fellow Missouri boys. That’s not an exaggeration, either.

The quote of the trip came from CPZE as we drove back to KC: “The dancers were ‘highly’ involved in their work.”

Now Pac, you cannot honestly tell me that you dodged the Dallas strip clubs? You’re the same guy who “loves to eat from the strip club buffet.”

Admit it. That’s why you like the Big D so much. Jerry Jones just came to his senses, and realized how little sense it made to have you in that city with a no-tolerance policy on your strip club attendance. He’s been to a few of them himself. That’s why he cut you.

For real though, I do hope that you can find a job and continue to rehabilitate yourself (preferably in Buffalo, Green Bay or Canada). The last thing this world needs is another young black man to reach a pinnacle of sorts early in life and then fall flat on his face to never get up again.

So what if I may never want to be in a strip club at the same time as you — or any other place for that matter — I still wish you well.

Sincerely,

Dame

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5 responses to “22. Adam “Pacman” Jones

  1. Pacman Jones + Strip Clubs = *crickets*

  2. Did you visit The Lodge? Or maybe Spearmint Rhino?
    Both are fine establishments. Nothing like watching a dude make it rain with Lodge Cash.

  3. Speaking of strip clubs — something I wrote a couple weeks back on The Lodge… Nice way to mix newspapers and strippers, methinks.

    http://ianguerin.com/node/1271

  4. Although I’m aimlessly vouching for all strip clubs in Dallas, I will not advertise for a particular strip club on this blog. lol.

  5. If they’re good enough, they don’t need the advertising.
    Nothing like turning your head away a bare-chested woman to see, well, a bear mounted on a wall.

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