Let me begin by saying that I would gladly be your Ike (sans the beatings, self or otherwise) any day. You rank second on my list of white women I crush on behind Scarlett Johansson and ahead of Anne Hathaway.
I have you so highly ranked because you’re not only attractive, but you’re hilarious. It’s a deadly combination that messes me up every time I see/hear you. I mean, every guy wants a gal to make him laugh. But can you really imagine turning a guy on and making him laugh until tears fall … at the same time? It screws my insides up.
I have an admission, though. I’ve never made it through an entire episode of “30 Rock.” I don’t know why. I guess I caught on too late. But I’m going to force myself to watch an episode online after I finish this letter. Another admission: I’ve only seen the second half of “Baby Mama.” I can’t go into detail, but I will say that what I saw was pure hilarity.
So you don’t feel as though I’ve totally neglected your work, I’ll tell you that I’ve seen “Mean Girls” at least seven times and own it on DVD (still not gay). It’s a great movie. In particular, I loved the script. It was witty and true to the problems kids have in high school. It’s the best teenager flick this century. (Note: My editor wants me to say that either “The Breakfast Club” or “Clueless” was the best teen movie of the 20th Century. I’d vote “American Pie” or “Can’t Hardly Wait,” though.)
I also adored you as Ms. Norbury in the film. You’re probably not going to believe this, but my only real teacher crush throughout high school shared your surname. I know, how ironic?
But none of the aforementioned is why I’m penning this letter. I’m writing you because of something I recently heard asked of Jimmy Kimmel: Why are there no women in late night television?
After I heard the question, I didn’t even think of a why. I just jimmied up a solution: NBC should fire Jimmy Fallon immediately (forgive me, Jimmy), and give you his new show.
It would be brilliant. You would draw a new audience to the late night spectrum.
Seriously, grandmas who wake up with the sun would set their alarms a little later and go to sleep with you, as would I (pun intended). Just think about it, and go query Lorne. It will work.
Admiring you from afar,
P.S. Before I forget, thank you for taking on Sarah Palin although you didn’t want to do so. You showed America just how undeniably clueless that woman is.
cc: Lorne Michaels.