35. Maury Povich

Dear Maury:

I’m writing this letter to you because for some reason your show is still not canceled. 18 years strong. I’ve been praying to the good Lord for about the last five that he would take you off of the air. But He hasn’t answered that one yet.

Maybe He knows something I don’t because I still don’t get it. I do, however, understand that you’ve figured out a formula as successful as the ones Oprah and Jerry Springer use.

Guaranteed surefire results of whoredom, and a chance at finding out who your child's father really is.

Guaranteed surefire results of whoredom, and also a slim chance at finding out who your child's father really is.

Oprah works the minds and hearts of women, and helps them better themselves daily. Jerry preys on people dumb enough to pull their clothes off and fight on television like they’re a part of Tyson-Holyfield III. But you, you take advantage of babies and their asinine parents.

You allow their parents to announce their whoredom to the syndicated world of television almost daily. Seriously, if you need a paternity test to determine whether or not more than one man is the father of your child, you are a whoremonger.

But these people don’t get it, don’t care, can’t afford the paternity test, don’t want to pay for it or just want the attention. And you provide it for them and us.

I’ll admit it. If I’m flipping channels and happen to see that you’re doing a paternity show, I’ll get sucked in for a segment or two. But I try to avoid your show. I can’t say the same for one of my closest friends.

This little tale will explain the reach that you have. I have a friend that we’ll call Wildcat-Squared (she’s attended two universities with cats for mascots). Wildcat-Squared is an attorney at a Jewish-owned New York law firm.

She works ridiculous hours, sometimes 9 a.m. to midnight. But get this, she DVRs your show daily just to hear you say, “You are not the father!” to a few not-so-good guys. She longs for Yom Kippur just so she’ll have a day off to watch your show when it airs. She swore to me last night that she’s going to drag me to your show when I go to New York in April. And that’s after I told her I want to go see Joel Osteen at New Yankee Stadium.

That’s how crazy this is Maury. Upwardly mobile people watch the coonery you produce for a good laugh after their grueling work days. Yeah, that’s worth a chuckle, but it’s also sick.

I mean, what good are you doing a woman when you allow her to announce to the world that she doesn’t know who her “baby’s daddy” is for the 15th time? You’re not helping these people. You’re exploiting them like your name were Mark Cronin or Bernard Madoff.

And you’re better than that. I mean, you’re married to FREAKING Connie Chung. You have to be a decent human being.

Look, I know you don’t want your ratings to slip, but do you really need the money? Haven’t you made enough to set your grandchildren’s grandchildren up until their deaths? Would you please reconsider altering the foolishness you put on television and work up a new scheme? It can’t be that hard. Just stop being lazy.

Sincerely yours,

Damon

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22 responses to “35. Maury Povich

  1. I will admit as an educated, well rounded black female living in 2009 that I do on occasion enjoy hearing Maury say those four little words.

    And sometimes, I already can predict what they will say…like look at my baby’s nose it look just like his ugly self or something like that.

    I particularly enjoy it when they are like 17 with 8 possible fathers for their 5 year old and then his mother comes and sits on stage like her 31 year old son (who was messing with a 12 year old) has some kind of halo hanging above his bed…I mean honestly how can you not enjoy that?

    Re: Joel Osteen-How did his wife come out in her assault trial?

  2. That is my favorite clip from that show. This guy get DOWN when they annouce he isn’t the father. I don’t watch the show (anymore) but I have found myself laughing at other’s tragedy. It’s all very sad really.

  3. Unless it’s all a ruse I think what they are NOT telling us with many of these women (particularly the ones with more than 3 possible fathers), is that they are prostitutes. Some are just nassy…but I honestly believe a lot of them are professional prostitutes.

    I used to watch this show on the regular, but it’s so redundant and why the black folks always gotta act a fool? Kinda disgusts me now. I guess some things you grow out of.

    PS: I like Joel Osteen, he’s so peaceful sounding.

  4. @Jaci

    She came out of the assault trial just fine. They found her not guilty.

    @thismayconcernyou

    I love this, very clever. However I have to comment on one thing, according to the Bible a whoremonger is a name given to the male. The female is the whore.

  5. @jlbd: thanks. I shoulda caught that. Sidenote: I looked up the definition for whoremonger on M-W.com and the only thing it said was “whoremaster.” I kid you not.

    @Jada: There’s something that I like about Osteen being positive most of the time, and understanding that when you speak negatively you don’t have to scream, yell or make someone feel horrible. Though that is necessary at some times

    @tam: I’ve seen that clip before, and I still don’t understand how you can be so excited immediately after learning you’re not a child’s father. It’s kinda like doing a dance in front of your girlfriend when she comes out of the clinic.

    @jaci: I can’t enjoy it. There was a point where I could. But at some point my conscious kicked in, and realized how sick it is to exploit people like that.

    It’s weird because as I’ve grown older my brand of humor has become extremely sophisticated. I don’t laugh at most stupid/ignornant stuff like Maury. I’m humored by the irony of the truth and wit. And little else.

  6. Ew, I hate his show. It’s really sad and trashy…but I did watch those rare episodes where the audience guesses whether the “lovely ladies” are boys or girls (me and my mom used to sit with a pad and paper writing our guesses) and the episodes where the geeks come back looking all stripperish and rub it in their tormentors faces. I don’t think he does those kind of shows anymore. It’s always paternity tests now 😦

  7. ok .. i am the person that is home sick and will pass up maury if he doesnt have a paternity show on .. paternity shows are hilarious! I mean sad in a hilarious kinda way.. lol

    I also love Joel Osteen and on those bad Jolie days when I praise the Lord via my bedroom on Sunday he is a person I love to watch. his messages really hit home. I also like his books!

    happy thursday 🙂

  8. I used to love Maury…
    back when had a little more variety and class…

    But over the last few years there has been a serious decline in the quality of his show…

    or maybe I just got older and realized how stupid it was…

    either way…
    I can’t watch him now….

  9. @jroxx: that you and your mom tallied “man or not a man” shows is hilarious. I definitely did the same thing in my mind, and was often upset at myself when I guessed wrong. lol.

    @jolie: Osteen is my bedside baptist pastor at as well. Although, I’m being better about skipping out on him on Sunday mornings for the real thing.

    @Star: I just told someone today that as you get older, your taste in humor ages as well. I don’t laugh at stupid ish that often now. Something has to be an ironic truth, witty, unintentionally hilarious or self-deprecating yet brilliant to get me to laugh. The stupidity of Maury becomes more evident with age.

  10. blackgirlinmaine

    Yeah, I must admit when I have turned on the telly and stumbled upon Maury, I have been known to get sucked in. Its like a car crash on the road, you know you ought to keep going but you just stop anyway.

  11. @ Tam,

    That clip is ridiculously funny, I can’t lie it make’s me lol.

    I try not to watch Maury though, I’m also not a big fan of Cops. Black or white, I just hate to see people in that situation running from Cops and whatnot. To me it helps desensitize people to how Police get it wrong sometimes and treat innocent people the way they treat criminals.

  12. as your editor

    Wow. I just noticed you’re on letter 35. Look how far you’ve come in the past month or so. Good job, homie!!

  13. Dude, it was cool at first. But about 20 “you are not the fathers” later it gets pretty old.

    What makes me laugh is that he consoles these women and assures them that they’ll get to the bottom of it; but he never advises them to stop fucking until they do. So when she comes back she’s got five mor2 dudes to add to the list of potential-daddies. I guess it all makes for a more interesting outcome.

  14. I love Maury, but i dont know why. Maybe its cuz he always seems so caring about these women with the over-loose vajayjays.

  15. Maury is embarrassing. Why is it every time the chick finds out she is wrong, she runs off the stage? Why is it that in the lil introduction shorts, the guests are always yelling?

    But like you, sometimes I am sucked in for a moment or two.

  16. Its even sadder when you see one of the people on the show then you realize that they live in your city 😦

  17. @turtle: I can’t even possibly imagine what I would say if I saw one of those people. I wish I could do an intervention with them before they went on the show. Then Maury would hate me. But who cares about that.

  18. LMAO. This was hillarious – “And you’re better than that. I mean, you’re married to FREAKING Connie Chung. You have to be a decent human being.” ROFL!

  19. Lol…o this is sooooo true…I mean I thought he would go out with ricky lake and jenny jones (where are they anyway). But I admit I do get sucked in when I happen to flip through channels, and although I am not proud, it is always a good laugh. I think my favorite show was the woman who had like 9 pregnancy test on the show…SMH! terrible! How dare he exploit that poor, poor, woman ( I still don’t think she’s found the dad 😦 )

  20. AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!!

  21. LoL @ the Connie Chung statement!! I don’t watch Maury (talk shows basically suck). I’ve seen an episode in my lifetime, and it did happen to be a paternity one. Again, I will say, LoL…

  22. lets put maury on the lie detector

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