I’m writing this letter to you because for some reason your show is still not canceled. 18 years strong. I’ve been praying to the good Lord for about the last five that he would take you off of the air. But He hasn’t answered that one yet.
Maybe He knows something I don’t because I still don’t get it. I do, however, understand that you’ve figured out a formula as successful as the ones Oprah and Jerry Springer use.
Oprah works the minds and hearts of women, and helps them better themselves daily. Jerry preys on people dumb enough to pull their clothes off and fight on television like they’re a part of Tyson-Holyfield III. But you, you take advantage of babies and their asinine parents.
You allow their parents to announce their whoredom to the syndicated world of television almost daily. Seriously, if you need a paternity test to determine whether or not more than one man is the father of your child, you are a whoremonger.
But these people don’t get it, don’t care, can’t afford the paternity test, don’t want to pay for it or just want the attention. And you provide it for them and us.
I’ll admit it. If I’m flipping channels and happen to see that you’re doing a paternity show, I’ll get sucked in for a segment or two. But I try to avoid your show. I can’t say the same for one of my closest friends.
This little tale will explain the reach that you have. I have a friend that we’ll call Wildcat-Squared (she’s attended two universities with cats for mascots). Wildcat-Squared is an attorney at a Jewish-owned New York law firm.
She works ridiculous hours, sometimes 9 a.m. to midnight. But get this, she DVRs your show daily just to hear you say, “You are not the father!” to a few not-so-good guys. She longs for Yom Kippur just so she’ll have a day off to watch your show when it airs. She swore to me last night that she’s going to drag me to your show when I go to New York in April. And that’s after I told her I want to go see Joel Osteen at New Yankee Stadium.
That’s how crazy this is Maury. Upwardly mobile people watch the coonery you produce for a good laugh after their grueling work days. Yeah, that’s worth a chuckle, but it’s also sick.
I mean, what good are you doing a woman when you allow her to announce to the world that she doesn’t know who her “baby’s daddy” is for the 15th time? You’re not helping these people. You’re exploiting them like your name were Mark Cronin or Bernard Madoff.
And you’re better than that. I mean, you’re married to FREAKING Connie Chung. You have to be a decent human being.
Look, I know you don’t want your ratings to slip, but do you really need the money? Haven’t you made enough to set your grandchildren’s grandchildren up until their deaths? Would you please reconsider altering the foolishness you put on television and work up a new scheme? It can’t be that hard. Just stop being lazy.