Dear Spidey Peter:
I’m writing you for a couple of reasons. First, I’d like to offer you a job as the official photographer for this open letter project.
No, it probably doesn’t pay as much as The Daily Bugle does. But I think you’d be the best person for the job considering the vast amount of ground that needs to be covered from shoot to shoot. Remember, we went from Sarah Palin looking at Russia from her backporch to Kanye’s abomination of a haircut at the Grammys in L.A. in less than 24 hours. But I know you can get the job done. What do you say? …
… Yeah, I figured you’d say no. You have to use your time to “save the world,” and that’s part of the other reason I’m writing you. You’re so damned complex. You’ve long been torn between your affinities for your best friend Harry (now deceased), Mary Jane, caring for your Grandmother, your freelance photography work and your desire to rescue humanity from itself.
I know you can multitask while web-weaving and you have super Spidey senses. But You’ve been doing too much, my friend. That’s why I’m glad you’ve started focusing on Mary Jane.
I’m not saying that you should give up on your night job. The world clearly needs saving. But you have to realize that you can’t be the only one to save it from itself. There are other superhero types out there: Superman. Batman. Robin. She-Ra. Aqua Man. The X-Men. Wonder Woman. The Incredibles.
See, superheroes are even procreating to make baby superheroes to lessen your work capacity. You can afford to take a week or two off to rekindle your love with Mary Jane. What you can’t do is keep throwing yourself so far into your work that you neglect the people who matter most to you. That never works out so well for those you love. Stop being so selfless concerning your job, and enjoy the company of the woman you desire.
It might help you deal with some of your anger management/alter ego issues, which in turn might help you be a more productive superhero and member of society. Just think it through, Spidey Peter.