38. My Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend

Ed’s Note: I spend a lot of time ridiculing people, and trying to right wrongs through these letters. To offset that, I’m bringing you into my world and sharing my real-life issues. It’s only fair, and therapeutic.

To My Ex-Girlfriend:

I know, you want me to stop calling you that. You’d prefer I call you my best friend. But you’re not. Yes, you’re one of my confidants. I likely talk to you too much, and you’re one of a selected few I’d do most anything for within reason.

But calling you that, my best friend, in our state is senseless. It’d be as if I repeatedly pointed at a cat and kept calling it a dog. People would label me loony. Besides, I just — in the last two years — reached the point where I’ll call you my ex-girlfriend, and not “my situation.”

I know. You’ve told me you don’t want to hear this. But you also said you wanted me to write you an open letter. So I’ve made the decision a good best friend would. Now, let me continue.

It would be easy for me to call you my best friend if I didn’t “know your heart” (remember that line?). I mean, if I didn’t know what really makes you tick and why we give each other the time of day after everything we’ve been through. Or if you didn’t so much as tell me … (this content has been deleted because it is NC-17). Yeah, you get my point.

It doesn’t make much sense to call someone your best friend and know that you’d engage in the aforementioned with said best friend, but not be in a relationship with that person, but still talk to that person more than anyone else and the conversation never really falls off to that teenage “fall asleep on the phone because you actually bored me into this slumber but I still tell you I love you nightly” stage, and this may be the longest run-on sentence I’ve ever written.

At this point, I could write “it doesn’t make sense” 100 times over and it would explain how I feel. But that’s not going to make it make sense. So I’ve moved on to realizing that although I know this kindred spirit, we will forever part ways. Stupid, I know. But that’s not my fault. It’s yours.

Just like I declined your many invitations and requests to attend your college graduation because you’d have a guy you called your boyfriend there, I won’t be in attendance on your wedding day. I probably won’t invite you to mine, either. I’m at peace with that because “no ex/quasi-good friend” should suffer through that.

Few people would still be here this long. But that’s neither here nor there.

You want to know why I won’t call you my best friend, right? I trust about 10 percent of your advice because of your skewed perception concerning problem-solving. Besides, you almost never heed the good advice I give you daily. On another front, I can’t even get you to name the people who tell you they think I’m gay. Furthermore, I don’t believe you defend what you know to be true when someone brings that foolishness to you.

(This letter is too long. So I broke it into two. … To be continued tomorrow. Same Bat station. Same Bat time. Blah, blah, blah. That’s about 6:30 p.m. on Tuesday.) UPDATE: Click the link in parenthesis for Part II.


24 responses to “38. My Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend

  1. I don’t know if this letter is more interesting because I know who you’re talking about…or if you’re just that darn good of a writer! lol…

  2. Wow…I am afraid I am going to have to marinade on this one like for real…I am not even sure from which angle to go here.

  3. @IB: it’s probably more the first and the situation itself. I think anyone who knows anything about the situation might be intrigued by the insight I give (which honestly is still surface level). Then again, it should be interesting for anybody who can sympathize concerning relationship limbo.

    Thanks for the compliment, though. And yes, she read the letter a while back, and knew it was coming. She laughed out loud at most of it because it’s all too true. The second half of it is better. lol. just wait.

    @jaci: there are many angles that you probably can see already. But just remember this is only half the letter. The second part is necessary to understand where it’s going. But there’s no way I was posting an 1,100-word letter at once. I abhor super-long posts.

  4. Perhaps I should wait then.

    I abhor super long post as well.

    Thank you for breaking it up.

    For now, I say it seems kinda love hate.

  5. Since I know the both of you, and this situation (which is the dead horse that has been beaten to oblivion) I’ll wait until the second part to comment. **waiting**

  6. @jlbd: I disagree (I kid). The situation is more like a Pinata that I’m bursting open in public like it’s my birthday. It’s some real self-medication. No joke. But there’s something different to be taken from it, like a Pinata, for anyone who takes the time to read it. You’ve just can’t take anything from it because you’ve watched/listened to me beating the Pinata FOR-E-VER.

  7. I think I need the second half.

  8. thecomebackgirl

    “I know, you want me to stop calling you that. You’d prefer I call you my best friend. ”

    OK I JUST DIED. MEDIC…..!!!!lol

  9. thecomebackgirl

    got darn…this feels like a soap opera too..good job.

  10. @CBG: I’m glad someone can read the humor. lol. It’s definitely a real tale, but its meant to humor you as well. That you laughed at the first sentence means this is so worth it. lol.

  11. thecomebackgirl

    I wanna write a letter to my ex..do you mind and i link back to you? LOL

  12. thecomebackgirl

    ill take the silence as affirmation LOL..

  13. @cbg: sorry, got busy for a sec. By all means, do it. Humor me. lol.

    There’s clearly nothing that I love more than a well-crafted, witty letter that will make me chuckle.

  14. Yes, I felt the wrenching of my heart on this one..

  15. Just so I understand this whole situation better, have you already gathered the things you want to take with you from this past relationship or have you been swatting at the pinata for so long that you haven’t decided yet?

  16. That’s why you don’t have the opposite sex as best friends. That ish never has and never will work. Ladies, if a straight man tells you, you are his BF, he’s lying. One day he’s gonna try and get the cookies, it is what we do. Believe me.

  17. @gator: I’ve swatted at the Pinata for a few years. But I’ve realized through time and swatting for naught that the situation is irreparable… this is explained thoroughly in 38b.

    The chief reason we talk is because there’s a great chemistry there that we both admit exists. And it’s an easy/fun way to pass time in this otherwise monotonous life. But she knows all bets are off when what I’m looking for happens upon me.

    And I give her the space she needs (even though she doesn’t ask for it) when she decides to be reeled in by another fisherman.

    The letter takes the long road in explaining my point, but the point is … she’s wants to know why she’s not my best friend, and I’m telling her why, although this is stuff she clearly already knows. But apparently needs to hear.

  18. @Dash: go read the letter to Q-Boog before this … it transitions seamlessly into the first part of this letter.

    … And you’re wrong, you can be friends with a female and not want the draws. It’s just a point of being adult enough to get to/stay in that state.

    Most of us men, unfortunately, don’t even humor that thought because we’re constantly thinking about sex.

    I’ll admit it, the first thing most of us think when we see a female is whether or not we’d smash. I’m guilty, too. lol. But you have to train your mind to not see women as meat for your carnivoroustic consumption. That’s a big part of what’s wrong with relationships today.

  19. Yeah, I’m waiting for Part 2….
    Also, as cats get older we do tend to see that chemistry is not the only ingredient necessary for a successful relationship. If that were the case I’d have been married a long time ago. There are other things required that we also must pay attention to and cultivate for a relationship to work.

  20. @gator: yeah, you’re right. I have good to great chemistry with a few people. I just can’t be with someone who chooses to lack common sense or is certifiable. These are things you learn through experience and age.

  21. I am all about the second half-

  22. @annesfriend & everybodyelse: part-two is coming. It will auto-post at 6:30 central time.

  23. Sounds to me like you’re the problem and not her. Love makes people do stupid ish, but there is always a point break. When you reach a point in which you can truly be happy with yourself you’ll realize that no person should ever have the power to keep you hurting.

    Imature people do imature ish and as long as YOU are their to enable them, you become a catalyst for your own problems.

    Live well bro!

    • You’re right, bro. The problem is me as well. That’s part of what I’m trying to show through this entire thing … that I’m as flawed as any of these letter subjects AND IT’S BLATANTLY OBVIOUS … thanks for reading.

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