38b. My Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend

(continued from yesterday’s My Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend, Part I)

You want to know why I call you my ex-girlfriend? That’s what you are, my last girlfriend. Sure, there are a few women that have piqued my interest and I’ve been with since you. But not one of them reached the relationship stage because I — or she or we — realized it wouldn’t work.

Even more, I call you my ex-girlfriend because I still hold the most minuscule of hopes that what we have will work — although I know it won’t. I realize that getting back with you would be as smart as going all-in with a 7-2 suited in Hearts. All the odds would be against my heart winning. My poker buddies will tell you that I’ll only go all-in when I believe I will win.

And no, I never want to relegate our relationship to the title of “best friends with occasional benefits.” That might be the dumbest phrase I’ve ever penned. The two people who do fall into that trap, but won’t get together, will be in dire need of therapy two years from now. I clearly won’t be in attendance (see: This May Concern You header).

Besides, I haven’t seen you in almost two years. It’d take me a four-hour drive to get to your doorstep. I can’t be in a long distance relationship with you because you would cheat. You refuse to lose an argument you know you can’t win. You’re not as graceful as you know you should be. You couldn’t define humility if I gave you the link to the definition. When you desire, you can be unruly and disrespectful to anyone, and I detest this about you. And most important, when it comes to doing what you know is right by me (on so many different levels), I can’t trust you. Seriously, a proposal to you would be immediately followed by a pre-nuptial agreement (and that’s if I’m broke or rich).

But I still love you because you provide me with daily comedic fodder, and you’re not funny. You get most of my quirkiness. You (eventually) tell me the truth, and I’m not sure you can lie (well) to me. You give me reports about your bowel movements the way a 3-year-old would tell her parents, and I’m amazed and adore that we’re that close.  You nudge me toward my lofty aspirations. You brighten my days with just the sound of your voice (seriously, I haven’t seen you in two years). If I needed you, I believe that you would be there. And you help make me happy … except when you do something that disappoints or upsets me.

Yes, my friend J.Dot labeled you the “Black Barbie Bia” with just cause. Remember, it was you who pissed me off to the point that I dropped three f-bombs in different ways in one sentence.

And that’s the thing. There’s for worse and for better. But there’s not enough consistency in anything you do to qualify calling you my best friend. Maybe it’s OK for you to call me your best friend because you know I will never knowingly do wrong by you, even in a vindictive manner (I’m so past that “short-lived February 2004 text-messaging revenge rampage” phase and you know it). But I’m not sure you’d do the same (see: no trust, proposal and pre-nup).

I wouldn’t give up my best friend for anything in this insane world. But you would, have and will again. That makes it impossible for me to give you that title. So yours remains the following: my ex-girlfriend/friend … with no short- or long-term plans for an upgrade.

Like Jason Mraz’s says: you’re a beautiful mess, and at times, loving you is like picking up trash in elegant dress.

I know this won’t vibe well with you. If we stop talking after you read this, so be it … … I’ll talk to you in about a month. You know I’m being honest. And remember, you asked for a letter. Well, here it is, picture perfect and over 1,000 words of brutal truth.

Just know that I’m going to be the same me who aims for the sky hoping that I land on Cloud 9, whether I find you there or another woman who fulfills my ridiculous requirements (see: the P.S.).

Like Mint Condition said, there’s nothing left to say. Actually, that song is quite fitting.

Love always,

Victor (Damone Jr.)

P.S. I’m still searching for a Bonita Applebum with a side of Ms. Fat Booty who has a dash of surefire superstar sureshy firecracker extravaganza fantastic supersize with extra cheese, yet doesn’t need a golden calculator to divide but knows how to play spades with the cards up, all trust …
P.S.S. Jason Mraz’s A Beautiful Mess or Mint Condition’s Nothing Left to Say

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49 responses to “38b. My Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend

  1. @thegallery: read what you will of this letter. It is riddled with my flaws, but comes to a point of realization that I’ve reached over the last two years as I’ve been able to separate myself from the situation.

    Beyond Sprint-to-Sprint minutes, my time and genuine concern, I haven’t spent a dime on my ex in nearly two years, which speaks volumes in my eyes. Yes, there are still emotions and feelings there, but at the heart of the matter, they don’t matter at all. Relationships and friendships are about the things that you say and do. Not what you emote or feel.

    And as this letter is intended, it’s a long-winded explanation as to why she’s not my best friend, and written so she can see the good and bad within her FOR HERSELF. She knows this, read it nearly a month ago and laughed at the brutal honesty laced through out it … That said …

    … have at it.

  2. thecomebackgirl

    Oh my God…ok I WAS ACTUALLY GONNA USE THE MINT song for my letter LOL..im not done..this is so good i have to read again..be back in a bit.

  3. Well now that I have the green light to comment, i’ll say this. TMCY, I will not be impressed with anything relating to this dead horse/open pinata until you completely stop talking to the ex. It’s not that I have a problem with you or her because obviously I’m not in the mix of your situation like that (because of course I have my own relationship), but it’s more so because I’ve been where you’ve been/are and I honestly don’t see how you aren’t in a padded room yet. I couldn’t cope with that limbo state of mind and those constant feelings of ‘what if’ past the anti-depressants. I was literally, mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted and regardless of how I felt about those exes I learned to love myself to the point of not caring. I know we’ve had this conversation time and time again and I know that this blog is self-medicating for you, however, I have a cure: STOP TALKING TO HER, PERIOD. You will never know how liberating and good it feels until you actually do it. TTYL.

  4. @cbg: Great minds (yada, yada, yada) … lol. That’s an amazing song. You need to use it still. Re-read and weigh-in honestly when you’re ready.

    @jlbd: we have differing viewpoints on this. And that’s OK. I respect and value you and your words, and you know that. People cope and deal in different ways. I’m good at cutting people off I don’t really care about (see: any of the girls you’ve known me to be involved with). People I do, not so much. That one of the major flaws I present in this letter.

    There’s a part of me that believes that my presence helps her be a better person in some backhanded way because she hears a voice of sincere reason. And I’m clearly humored and engaged or else us speaking would be moot. … I’m sane enough to handle most of what’s there. And though you may not believe me, I have almost no desire to be with her. I’m scared of Lions, Tigers, Bears and that. As I’ve told her, I genuinely want her to be better for HER.

    I’m fine … grateful for the experiences and wiser for them. And in due time, we’re bound to part ways anyway.

    All this to say, your wish/cure may be nearing as I have become more intolerant to the ignorance, disrespect and lacking humility she spews out on a regular basis. I’m not a fan of coddling other people’s kids, grown or otherwise.

  5. I don’t really have much to say other than I wish I had the courage to write one of my exs a letter although mine would be a lot more on the hateful side so it’s probably best that I don’t.

  6. thecomebackgirl

    ok ..i STILL have not re-read..but i thought about this at the gym tonite …

    like Tam said this is great work..and because i love this style i can’t even say to get over the ex..why? because my blog was started admist a nightmare and a mess almost a year and a half ago. I blogged until both my two readers LOL…were blew in the face lol..

    but guess what ?? i wouldn’t have had it any other way. great songs, great books, great blogs are written in and out of complete turmoil. I like Tam applaud your utter honesty, there have been times when i held back (because my ex read my work)..and it takes a lot of guts esp. when a man writes in a really revealing no holds barred kind of way, even in a audience of people who both know you and don’t.

    i say keep purging, keep writing…with this format you are on to something..

    Good night and God Bless America ..

  7. @tam: I’ve written quite a few letters to the ex that weren’t necessarily as tactful as this one. I’ve been known to show my ass at times. But over time, I’ve learned that you don’t gain respect of self that way. You may get attention (from a few different places), but you lose your grace. And that’s something I’m not willing to compromise at this stage in my life.

    @cbg: I’m over the idea of being with the ex in marital bliss. I don’t know if that comes across well enough, but I try to push that home. I think most married and content people wonder about a certain someone and what it would have been like to be with that person … when it comes to, she’s the person I’ll likely think about in that manner. But, like I said, getting back with her would be like going all-in on a 7-2 of hearts (one the worst possible Poker hands).

    And trust, I don’t take advice on this situation anymore. None of my friends will humor me with it, and I don’t want it. I’m grown, and free to talk to whom I choose and make the right choices/mistakes I make by talking to whom I talk to.

    This letter tells you a lot about me, but also is the letter SHE ASKED FOR … I had no intentions of writing it, and didn’t know what I was going to write her until she had the gall to ask me why I she wasn’t my best friend. Then it took flight.

    And all of the details aren’t here, and never will be. This is still surface level. Let Will Smith give me a deal to write three screenplays, and I’ll shed more light. lol.

    And because you’re getting all American, I think I’m going to start calling you Comeback J. Obama. lol.

  8. I am THAT girl right now in my quasi-relationship.

    This makes me sad- we used to have it soo good!!

  9. Love the post! Sigh, I feel like I have been on both sides of that letter..the ex who wants to be your “friend” and the one who’s like this can’t work, are you serious! But all in all the ex is what it is….your EX, so to make more of it would make things complicated and worse off for the both of you in the end.

  10. This is deep… in the honesty sense, not in the love-jones-finger-snappin poetry vein. No punches were pulled here, and that is exacty what a letter to a best friend is supposed to be, though it rarely is.

    That last sentence proposed quite the conundrum in my eyes. Such honesty is usually only provided to those who you either want to leave immediately or know will never leave no matter what. And for those that fall in the latter category, we normally hold such honesty from them because if they are going to be around, we don’t want our “confession” to be the dominant topic of conversation for the next 7 solar eclipses.

    All said, I think this letter probably provides a perfect snapshot into the complexities of relationships, romantic or otherwise.

  11. ok I have to agree with JLBD.. I dont even know you but this quasi relationship you have with the ex .. is NOT HEALTHY for either one of you. You remind me of myself. Always trying to fix someone being there because you know that you can help them do/be better but you know what. ITS NOT YOUR JOB! Seriously! You said,
    “There’s a part of me that believes that my presence helps her be a better person in some backhanded way because she hears a voice of sincere reason.”

    This is not good for you and you will never ever find a new possible woman in your life that will be worth a grain of salt if you dont stop talking to her. This is totally unhealthy. I’m telling you STOP IT NOW.. I honestly just recently cut off talking to my ex. being friends with him just kept me from moving on. I didnt realize it until now almost 3 yrs later..

    SERIOUSLY STOP TALKING TO HER.. no really.. listen.. lol

  12. @Geezy: If you’re the girl I’m writing about or remotely close to her, I will add you to my prayer list. And that’s not a joke.

    @YOfromMinny: The toughest part about it is growing so close to someone, and not wanting to step away, even when all signs say you probably should. Make you somewhat understand the Chris Brown-Rihanna fiasco … or at least have a better understanding. I don’t believe anyone should stay in a situation like that, but people do just like we hold on to situations like I have.

    @offdwall: I scream/cry truth at this person daily, and she knows it. She actually hates for me to use the word truth with her because she knows it. … And you saw the conundrum right, she’d tell you it’s the latter. … and the situation hellified complex.

  13. @joliefatale: You’re probably right. But it’s never quite that easy as we write or say it, is it?

  14. @TMCY: you are right it is never quite that easy but at some point we both have to realize the relationship/friendship whatever we want to call it is unhealthy and probably keeps us from completely moving on. I use the word US cause you remind me of ME ! BUT you seem to be like me and dont really act on something until youre ready. .. so i’ll pray you get ready to let this relationship/friendship go.. lol

    is your middle name stubborn?

  15. @joliefatale: This whole thing has been in the works for years, and it takes time. When you grow close enough to someone who isn’t family for that person to talk to you about his/her bowel movements, it takes time. But it’s obvious that I know it can’t work. That’s part of what the letter is about: me admitting that.

    And no, the middle name isn’t stubborn. But it starts with an S. lol.

  16. Wow this speaks to me on so many levels. But what I can relate to most is trying to be that ‘voice of reason’ always trying to push them into their potential. But the reality is it doesn’t work because they cannot see beyond their here and now and their who they should be to you.

    You must let that go. But I understand these things take time. Godspeed on detangling yourself from that.

  17. @Jolie Fatale

    I won’t blast TMCY but let’s just say that I think he likes feeling like this, it’s been going on far longer that I’m sure you know. TMCY, are you a glutton for punishment? 😉

  18. @Jada: thanks for your words and thoughts.

    @jlbd: you’re a butthead for that. lol. There’s no “like” to insanity of the situation. You know it drove me cuckoo for a good year or three. And I’m a RATIONAL THINKER. Anyone who reads this, knows this … especially you. I hate unresolved issues. And I am a glutton for finding answers.

    What I’ve put myself through in past years falls squarely on my shoulders.

  19. @TMCY

    I knew you’d dislike my comment… 🙂 But, you know my heart and you know that you will always be one of my best friends. So, when I see one of my closest friends in an unhealthy situation and they seem to not want out, I get frustrated…lol. You should check your email, I sent you a forward called The Cross Walk. Apply that to the pain that you may endure by cutting her off cold turkey. You don’t see how meaningful it may be now, but later it will mean oh so much to you. If you keep wanting to diminish the pain by doing it slowly, it may be more harmful to you than you realize. Oh well, you’re a grown azz man (as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently said) and you have to do things on your own clock. I just pray that you’re not dang near 40 when it happens.

    TTYL.

  20. @jlbd: Clearly won’t be 40. Won’t be 30, either. I refuse. I have too much to offer life, and I know it.

    The forward was a good read. But you need to cut all the excess mumbo jumbo out of the ones you send or else I’ll write you a letter about “properly sending forwards.” … Oops, just spoke that into existence … lol

  21. thecomebackgirl

    i dont know the specifics of course of your situation but it hasn’t been 20 years..just what 2+…here’s the rub!!!

    I don’t think MOST people realize that particularly once you have se!x with someone that enegetic whatever it calls stays for a very long time …not speaking on it..doesn’t make it go away. Not even saying you’re done does that.

    Maybe im a total retard but i know and understand what is going on..and closure happens in its own time. Women should know that most men don’t even DO this much purging…with even the earnest intention to do so. given most circumstances they hang on, they “friend chicks” or they “let go” given any amount of drama which may have insued.

    they stop having s!ex and its done..thus have said one man on my blog..it doesnt work like that.

    some of us women need to wake up.

  22. I knew you were going to write this but your honesty caught me off guard. Knowing pieces about the situation and living a more intense version of it myself, this did make me think. In the end, good for you and maybe I can work on being a better/stronger me. Smooches

  23. thecomebackgirl

    does your ex read this site D?

  24. @msmonet: I’m with you, chica. Just do the best you can. That’s all you can ask of yourself when you wake in the morning.

    @thecbg: Yes, and she’s probably read this already. I read it to her nearly a month ago and she died laughing at the simple truth in it all. But some of the letter has changed since then.

    I’m clearly meticulous and deliberate.

    All that to say, I have no clue if she’s read it yet. She might be running from it because she knows it’s out here. Or she might “Anon” comment at some point. Who knows? I don’t. (I pissed her off with a couple of harsh truths about herself on Monday night that have nothing to do with this letter. Thus, we haven’t spoken since then.)

  25. Beautiful letter. It seems to come from a very honest place, and that’s commendable.

    It strikes a nerve/chord with me because it brings me to a similar situation. The guy I call my male best friend refuses to call me his best friend. And for the same reasons you just gave. It hurts because your/his vision of the relationship is not necessarily hers/mine.

    But it’s interesting to read nonetheless. Great job.

    p.s: Here by way of the Comeback Girl.

  26. @thegallery: I find it absolutely hilarious/ironic/sad that six people have clicked on the link to the definition of humility. There really is something wrong with the world. quasi-lol.

    @Lovelyparadox: thank you. I can weave a good lie, but I try my best to stick to the honesty policy. And normally does me best.

    In all honesty, my best friend probably doesn’t consider me to be her best friend now. And that’s absolutely fine. … If you read the letter about my best friend, you’ll see it’s clearly not for this reason.

    If you’re like my ex, I pray that you see the error in your ways. Not for him, but for you. You can’t continually do wrong by the people you care for most, and remotely think of yourself as a good person.

  27. natural nubian

    “There’s a part of me that believes that my presence helps her be a better person in some backhanded way because she hears a voice of sincere reason.”

    TMCY–i love your letters and appreciate them even more ’cause you’re a man. these letters are essentially your opinions, but ultimately display your feelings also. with that said, you have internalized rationalizing still keeping your ex around. yes you wrote her this letter ’cause she asked for it, but my question to you is have u ever written two-part letters to anyone else since the inception of your blog? and plz don’t chum it up to ‘didn’t want to write 1,000 letters’ because i’m more than sure your readers would’ve read whatever letter you published in its entirety (sp?).

    i’m not saying you two can’t be healthy friends, but one must leave in order to cleave.
    a lesson i learned the VERY hard way, from a lady to a gentleman, the only thing worse than a man with baggage is man with residue…….of the former so called “ex” that is.

  28. @nn: I’m with you. But like everything, it has to be done in it’s own time. Me thinking that I can help better this person or anyone else is a MAJOR FLAW of mine that I’ve exposed to you all.

    I’ve exposed this in writing these letters period. I know you have to want and desire to do for yourself. This just hits home because of how close to me it is.

    And you’re baggage/residue analogy is genius.

  29. natural nubian

    here to help anyway i can. i’ve been there to the point where i relocated to get away from my ex. took a lil under 2yrs to be officially over him, but one thing i realized is you only get to complete freedom is by taking the 1st step. also, be honest with yourself. i’m by no means saying you can’t still keep in touch with her, but when u said the sound of her voice brightens up your day??……….one word: residue. you’ll be robbing yourself and the next girl you meet because of it. and all you’ll have is the sound of her voice and tales of her toilet turds =(

  30. @NN: I just burst out laughing at “toilet turds,” and believe that I’m hearing/reading everything you’ve said/written.

    And another question for you NN, and take this completely away from this letter subject. I’m amid your drift. The question: Don’t we all have lingering residue from past relationships/friendships? Isn’t that part of what the sum of our experiences are?

  31. I’ll jump in for fun…

    @TMCY you said: The question: Don’t we all have lingering residue from past relationships/friendships? Isn’t that part of what the sum of our experiences are?

    *******

    There is a difference between life experiences, and residue. Life experiences mold you into the person you are, residue holds you back from being the best person you can be. Life experiences is like a good shower, cleaning and disinfecting you and you’re all clean for your new mate, residue makes your new mate tell you to go and hop in the shower. Life experiences prepare you mentally for coping with further life experiences, residue just attracts more dirt, so when further life experiences come along it will do nothing but pile up on top of the residue and weigh you down and cloud your vision.

  32. thecomebackgirl

    “I find it absolutely hilarious/ironic/sad that six people have clicked on the link to the definition of humility. There really is something wrong with the world. quasi-lol. ”

    I hovered for your information…i didn’t click..but now im curious.

  33. thecomebackgirl

    i dont like the definition sounds like a servant…

  34. @jlbd: good answer. curious to see what other people think.

    @thecbg: I guess it’s also a good thing. People need to know what humility is, and too few do. … and that info is on my stats page, and nowhere else.

    I’m thinking about a monthly posting some of the random ways people find this blog through a search. There are over 100 hits from people who type something in Google like: “My friends think I’m gay.” …

    It validates that this stuff is what people are dealing with. …

    damn … you’re going to have me write a letter to the word humility. lol.

  35. natural nubian

    JLBD!! I HOPE U FOUND A ICE BUCKET ‘CAUSE I KNOW YO AZZ IS ON FIRE!!!

    the residue vs the experiences: this is what i meant by how you must leave in order to cleave. residue is left behind on what should have been cleaned off in order for you to continue to have more experiences. the definition of residue is something that remains. it’s the remnant of something no longer.

    i think you need to differentiate between appreciating your ex versus appreciating the intimacy you get to partake in by keeping her included in your life, in such depth and with such frequency. clearly it takes time to cultivated and develop this level of intimacy. there’s just a fine line you must decipher whether that time of shared personal & confidential parts of yourself is what you yearn for to experience again, or that time of shared is what you want to continue to share with your ex.

  36. thecomebackgirl

    ““My friends think I’m gay.” …”

    yeah…for a long time my highest search was like “comebacks for bit!ches” highschool girls who are tortured by bullies..i get a question like that once a week still.

    i was thinking about a childrens book that addresses stuff like that..(toned down for the kids of course).

  37. @natural nubian

    **pops collars and dusts shoulders off after drinking that tall glass of cold water***

    MMM, Ahhhh…..lmao!

    Honestly, my words are from my actual life experiences and some of the priceless lessons I’ve learned. Ironically all those lessons were learned with a massive amount of pain involved….that’s the only way the lessons really stay with you….

  38. @NN: Don’t ever give JLBD any fuel … she doesn’t need it. She’s your proverbial swarm of moths to a flame. And because you she’s popping collars like it’s 2003. smh. lol.

    @thecbg: that’s an interesting topic, but a tough read/sell. A better way would be to write it to parents about how to deal with/talk to a gay teen. But you’d have to have a plethora of gay friends to pull that off seeing as how you’re straight.

    @jlbd: collar-popping clown. I’ll call you when my night minutes kick in. lol.

  39. Lol@night minutes..as much as I work I don’t worry about minutes anymore because they are never used during the day. Additionally, I rarely talk on the phone. You must be a triple clicker ( a person without a qwerty keyboard on their phone)

  40. @jolie: I abhor text messaging. I’m old school, receiver to the ear til I die. Please believe there is a set of letters about texting.

    And I will never have a qwerty keyboard phone (knock on wood). I have the Sprint Instinct, an iPhone knockoff. And it’s cool. But I rarely use it to do anything but check (not send) e-mail and talk.

  41. (Hangs head in shame)
    Damn! You just made me feel like crap. Let me give everyone in the address book a call to say “I just wanted to hear your voice”
    I really think I became this way due to my former occupation. I just don’t talk on the phone like I used to but I can email, gchat and text all day long.I have even convinced 85% of my friends to get blackberrie when all along qwerty=devil..lol
    Long live the triple clickers?

  42. I can e-mail, gchat, facebook and AIM with the best of them. … But people try to do too many dumb things over text message: Break-ups, make-ups, other serious conversations … and then you have clowns (including myself at times) who will try to text while driving.

    Make that make sense … Now try to make sense of a person who has a serious conversation via text messaging while driving … *tires screeching* … he/she just ran over a stray dog and hit a light pole.

  43. All I want to say Damon is woooo…. I am glad I am not an ex of yours! haha Man you are a great, great writer! Please don’t ever write a letter to me! I am sensitive! haha! Cant wait to see you again…(hopefully its before the wedding! haha it better be!)

  44. @Meghan (my brother’s fiancee for clarity’s sake): thanks, sweets. And you will. I’m just busy as hell. I’ll probably stop out that way some time this weekend.

    And no, I won’t write a letter to you. But I did recently write one to your soon-to-be husband bka my broham. … I’ll post it in a few weeks.

  45. future mrs. brown

    love you man to pieces and you know this, but seriously it’s been like 10 yrs. it’s time.

  46. future mrs. brown

    ok it feels like 10 yrs although its been like 5

  47. @fmbrown: I know. it’s at six years on and off. I need to call you so you can better understand, and you will. But you’re right.

  48. “The two people who do fall into that trap, but won’t get together, will be in dire need of therapy two years from now. I clearly won’t be in attendance (see: This May Concern You header).”

    YES! This is the truth. S3x with an ex is a disaster… someone always ends up being the crutch.

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