NOTE: If you don’t want your children to develop the combined moral compass of Rod Blagojevich, Tila Tequila and Kwame Kilpatrick, you will forward this paragraph — “No. 42 People Who Send Forwards” — to 12 people within four minutes of reading this open letter … and then commenting. lol.
To People Who Send Forwards Religiously:
If you haven’t learned, I’m a huge proponent of disabling things. There’s the No. 1 on all keyboards so that you can’t misuse the exclamation mark. Then there are the channels VH1, BET and MTV. There’s DJ Unk’s ability to breathe (I’m just serious…ly joking) for making the song “Don’t Hide It, Divide It.” And finally, there’s Rush Limbaugh’s larynx.
But close to the top of this long list is one of your favorite e-mail options: the forward function.
Forget Facebook. Forwards bring about the most distraction and inefficiency in the workplace. There are at least twice as many people looking at forwards right now at work on one of their eight e-mail accounts as there are even registered on Facebook.
Any smart CEO, business owner or boss knows this. He/She should have delegated the responsibility to disable the forward function (both receive and send capabilities) 10 years ago. But we’re clearly in a recession because of some of those brilliant minds. Productivity in the workplace would have skyrocketed in 2002 had companies tested this idea. But to no avail.
Your problem has not affected me. My friends know better than to send me forwards. I might get two a month, and I love it. It may be because I never respond or forward an ignorant message that tells me I will have “bad luck for the next year if you don’t send this forward to 20 people in two minutes.”
No, I mock that tomfoolery with wording like this: “If you don’t forward this to one person in the next six months your second fifth cousin will be abducted by a UFO in 23 days. Capiche?”
Read that again.
If that got to Dick Cheney in a forward, he’d wait six months and a day to send it just to see if his cousin — President Obama — really does get beamed up by some angry Klingons (I’m no Trekkie).
Seriously, if the message is not funny, insightful or moving, don’t send it. Don’t tell people they must forward “this message or else you don’t love Jesus.” Send five forwards like that and you should earn a one-way ticket straight to hell. It’s annoying to put something like that on a person’s conscious, and God doesn’t like for you to pester others.
Of all things, though, this is of the utmost importance: If you’re going to send a forward, please delete the mumbo jumbo text that comes before the actual message (see picture above). Scrolling takes away from work productivity more so than reading the forward itself does.
Consider these thoughts. Apply them to your lives. And if you won’t, I’ll just keep praying for the power to disable the ignorant things in life. As some of you undoubtedly know, prayer does work.