42. People Who Send Forwards

NOTE: If you don’t want your children to develop the combined moral compass of Rod Blagojevich, Tila Tequila and Kwame Kilpatrick, you will forward this paragraph — “No. 42 People Who Send Forwards” — to 12 people within four minutes of reading this open letter … and then commenting. lol.

Was this picture of a forward necessary? Hell, no. But it proves a point.

Was this picture of a forward necessary? Hell, no. But it proves a point.

To People Who Send Forwards Religiously:

If you haven’t learned, I’m a huge proponent of disabling things. There’s the No. 1 on all keyboards so that you can’t misuse the exclamation mark. Then there are the channels VH1, BET and MTV. There’s DJ Unk’s ability to breathe (I’m just serious…ly joking) for making the song “Don’t Hide It, Divide It.” And finally, there’s Rush Limbaugh’s larynx.

But close to the top of this long list is one of your favorite e-mail options: the forward function.

Forget Facebook. Forwards bring about the most distraction and inefficiency in the workplace. There are at least twice as many people looking at forwards right now at work on one of their eight e-mail accounts as there are even registered on Facebook.

Looks like he's working, right? Don't be fooled, he's reading a forward.

Looks like he's working, right? Don't be fooled, he's reading a forward.

Any smart CEO, business owner or boss knows this. He/She should have delegated the responsibility to disable the forward function (both receive and send capabilities) 10 years ago. But we’re clearly in a recession because of some of those brilliant minds. Productivity in the workplace would have skyrocketed in 2002 had companies tested this idea. But to no avail.

I digress.

Your problem has not affected me. My friends know better than to send me forwards. I might get two a month, and I love it. It may be because I never respond or forward an ignorant message that tells me I will have “bad luck for the next year if you don’t send this forward to 20 people in two minutes.”

No, I mock that tomfoolery with wording like this: “If you don’t forward this to one person in the next six months your second fifth cousin will be abducted by a UFO in 23 days. Capiche?”

Read that again.

If that got to Dick Cheney in a forward, he’d wait six months and a day to send it just to see if his cousin — President Obama — really does get beamed up by some angry Klingons (I’m no Trekkie).

Seriously, if the message is not funny, insightful or moving, don’t send it. Don’t tell people they must forward “this message or else you don’t love Jesus.” Send five forwards like that and you should earn a one-way ticket straight to hell. It’s annoying to put something like that on a person’s conscious, and God doesn’t like for you to pester others.

Of all things, though, this is of the utmost importance: If you’re going to send a forward, please delete the mumbo jumbo text that comes before the actual message (see picture above). Scrolling takes away from work productivity more so than reading the forward itself does.

Consider these thoughts. Apply them to your lives. And if you won’t, I’ll just keep praying for the power to disable the ignorant things in life. As some of you undoubtedly know, prayer does work.

Sincerely yours,

Damon

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44 responses to “42. People Who Send Forwards

  1. I HATE forwards. They annoy me. I’m even more annoyed when someone sends me a forward that they think is absolutely hilarious and it’s like 5 years old. *eye roll*

  2. thecomebackgirl

    “Seriously, if the message is not funny, insightful or moving, don’t send it. Don’t tell people they must forward “this message or else you don’t love Jesus.” Send five forwards like that and you should earn a one-way ticket straight to hell. It’s annoying to put something like that on a person’s conscious, and God doesn’t like for you to pester others.

    Of all things, though, this is of the utmost importance: If you’re going to send a forward, please delete the mumbo jumbo text that comes before the actual message (see picture above). Scrolling takes away from work productivity more so than reading the forward itself does.

    Consider these thoughts. Apply them to your lives. And if you won’t, I’ll just keep praying for the power to disable the ignorant things in life. And so you know, prayer does work.


    Would I be wrong and thus go to hell..if I copied the above and sent it to my mother…SHE IS A FORWARD, prayer OFFENDER..this is why I hate non work email.

  3. thecomebackgirl

    Dear Ma…please stop sending me all those {i really wanna cuss but i can’t} 3000 meg emails with dancing fruit and crucifixes. I am so sure these emails are coming from middle aged bored women who just learned about “getting on the computer” three years ago in retirement.

    What if yall actually did useful things with al gore’s internet like read up on all the cool stuff AARP has planned for you overly googlely women.

    Thanks..love ya.

    • I actually sent this letter to my mother earlier today. She is good for sending meaningless e-mails, period. She got a good laugh out of it. lol.

  4. I have banned some of my friends from emailing me ANYTHING because they abused the forward button.

    While an occasional funny picture of an animal does bring a smile to my face I don’t want to get those annoying emails telling me that I will have bad luck in love if I don’t send the email to 10 people in 10 seconds. I always feel paranoid when I get these, like because I didn’t forward it that something bad is going to happen.

    Funny enough, I always wondered WHO does enjoy these and I got my answer today…old people. They looove forwards, I heard this old lady at the gym say “you can send me all the forwards you want, I just love reading them”. That just cracked me up.

    • thecomebackgirl

      “Funny enough, I always wondered WHO does enjoy these and I got my answer today…old people”

      im very sure..the old people are starting this foolishness…and people with govt jobs..actually old people on govt jobs..who in the hel@ has time to compose a dag on power point presentation with flying hearts and leprochans..i mean really. its out of control.

  5. (Slow clap)

    Can this be applied to those damn text forwards too? Shoot, at least you can have unlimited e-mails. Please don’t play with my texts. What’s most disturbing is when I know they sent it to me just because it said “something bad will happen to you if you don’t…” I mean, how OLD ARE WE?!

    • @asmith: yes, please do. But also know that there is a set of letters for texting, and the people who refuse to do anything else but text.

      • Damon, that is my PET PEEVE of all time. Please learn how to call me in addition to texting. Text messages should SUPPLEMENT not REPLACE phone calls. Lord, sweet baby Jesus I can’t stand that.

        • I’m such a hybrid it’s ridiculous. I can talk on the IM, Facebook and blogs because I can type. But don’t you dare send me a serious question and respond with something that’s meant for actual conversation via text. I won’t say anything to you, but I will go apeshit in my head and will likely respond in some sort of passive aggressive manner like a one or two word answer so you know you just pissed me off.

  6. I actually hate forwards myself. Especially the meaningless ones, however, I’m the type of person that will just delete it if it’s not moving or meaningful or funny. I won’t get offended or ban my friends from sending them, I’ll just exercise that ‘delete’ button. Also, Damon quit being lazy and just freakin’ scroll…it’s not that hard, and it takes more energy for me to delete the mumbo jumbo…get over it!…lol

    • @jlbd: you know you’re the inspiration for this, homeskillet? lol.

      • I don’t know how, I don’t even send you forwards and the ones I do send, I send them because I liked them and thought you would like them too… 😉

        • I know, you only send ones I’d like, but I still get discouraged every time I see “FWD: The Christ Walk” because I’m scared of the “if you love Jesus, you’ll send this…” lol

  7. love the nice touch at the end. i didn’t know you were so technologically savvy, or witty for that matter. haha. 🙂

    • “i didn’t know you were so technologically savvy, or witty for that matter.”

      @Lynn: That means you haven’t been reading down there in the Guate. I see how it is. Just because you’re in Middle America our friendship sours. lol.

  8. AMEN! I ABHOR people who do not erase all that junk before the actual meat of the email. I feel I am smarter than people who do that. And ditto on
    “Don’t tell people they must forward “this message or else you don’t love Jesus.” Send five forwards like that and you should earn a one-way ticket straight to hell. It’s annoying to put something like that on a person’s conscious, and God doesn’t like for you to pester others.”

    • @D-mils: Look at who I drummed up a comment from … lol … the people who don’t erase “that junk” really, really bother me. They have no regard for anyone’s time.

  9. I don’t know if I ever told you about this, but I kid you not…my mom has a friend who somehow acquired my work email address and I get no less than 7 forwards a day from him. I think we need to organize an intervention.

    • @shari: You don’t need intervention. You just need to forward the link to this entry to him (along with 11 other people). The passive aggression will work. Trust me. lol.

    • Shari, that is beyond rude, I think you need to actually ban his email address and tell him indirectly that it’s innappropriate and offensive…lol

  10. The forward you sent me about this post went straight to my Forward folder. I open them once a week and even then I start deleting once I read the subject line. Unless it looks mildly funny. But for the most part I’m usually left disappointed when it’s a Jesus forward or a forward about some kid that went missing 15 years ago in a Kroger parking lot that people are just now looking for. However, the Baby Beyonce forward was high-larious—four years ago!

  11. This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

  12. Forwards are thee worst. I have a friend who’s always sending me lewd cartoon texts. I want to choke her.

  13. I’m of the opinion that not all forwards are bad. For example, if you’re forwarding me the 30% coupon to the Kenneth Cole, Footlocker or Sony Style store, then I’m appreciative.

    It’s the “How in the hell did you come to the determination that this would somehow improve my life today . . . Forward” that I shun the most.

    Like really, you felt as if sending me an email that would undoubtedly give me a conniption fit because I haven’t forwarded your email to 10 people in the next 43 seconds cause you said my Mother would have a stroke was a good idea?

    And just to piss you off, I always make sure one of those people that I forward to is your dumb ass for sending it to me in the first place. And I hope everyone you forwarded to does the same, because then you’ve have 10 of the same emails requiring that you send it to 10 more people, wasting your day away in the fashion you wasted mine when you sent the forward in the first place.

    Okay Rob, Breath.

    All that was said to say this.

    We shouldn’t be so harsh on the forward in general, just the “are you f’in serious? you sent this crap to me” forwards that are a reflection of how unimportant your life is to have had the time to read and forward the crap. . . . or a reflection of how unimportant my life is to have actually taken the time to read it. Either way, I’m pissed.

    • @Rob: It’s clearly tongue and cheek. But you do loathe the unnecessary “You don’t love Jesus if you don’t send this” forward. You have to. Everyone does. And everybody gets them.

  14. The folks that should be most concerned with the forward are women with attention-grabbing email addresses (e.g. foxxymama@yahoo or ineedsomeD@gmail) that have just been sent to the very dudes they pay no attention to at work, the club, and the mall.

    Additionally, you have no idea how many dudes troll through forwards looking for women with hot-sounding names like Lala Cummings or Tiffany Christmas, and then proceed to email them… or worse, call them since their work number is clearly in their signature block along with the inspirational quotes of the day from Lil Kim such as “I can make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth.”

    This is not fallacious either; I know such dudes who so troll. LOL

  15. I’ll make sure I forward something to you today ;-). I think some are stupid, but actually if the job gets boring during the day, I am reading a few of the silly forwards I get. Not all are bad. Some actually give me a laugh during the day. I just don’t like my mailbox cluttered in it. What really gets me is that “REPLY ALL” function. That’s a whole other topic.

    • britt: the “reply all” function truly is another topic. I get off of list serves just because people have a conversation for two in an e-mail for 200. It’s one of the most annoying things concerning e-mail.

  16. The email forwards I can handle for the most part. It’s the stupid text fowards that I wish would stop.
    People, here’s a hint: Just because you’re drunk and want to send a text to everyone about how funny something is doesn’t mean it’s actually funny, or that it even has a point.

  17. what really boils me up are the text message forwards. i don’t get it…. you’re wasting my time and my 400 texts i get a month with my cell phone plan.

  18. my mother and mother in law are in desperate need of this post – everyday I am confronted with the fact that jesus wont love me if i dont send this or that, its national girlfriends day, pictures of baby animals, etc…
    its ridiculous and I am happy that someone finally said something about it!

  19. So how do you tactfully inform someone that forwards that they apparently think are interesting and significant, are a waste of your time, energy, and an insult to your intelligence? I have a classmate that insists upon forming a ‘study group’ so we exchanged emails. Unfortunately she has abused the use of my emails by sending me tomfoolery- some I cant even scroll past the topic because it is THAT apparent that foolishness lies beyond the 1 million other people who have forwarded/have been forwarded this rediculous email. I was so close to just sending her the link to this particular blog entry. You know what, I think I may abuse both the ‘forward’, and ‘reply all’ on this one. Word needs to get out. Stop sending me this *hit.

  20. My thing/rule is this:

    No Christianity
    No conspiracies, hoaxes, or schemes
    No texting me stupid jokes when you won’t respond to me inviting you out.

    I’m all for more MP3s, sale codes, and free music functions however.

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