43. Guys With Platonic Female Friend Issues

Note: This letter is dedicated to my brother Dash, a subject of the letter about my best friend — No. 37. BTW, Dash is one of the best men I know. Period.

To Guys With Platonic Female Friend Issues:

The advice I’m about to give you will only work for about half of you. OK, maybe a quarter. But I think that if it helps just one then I’m doing the world a service.

Ro, Slim and Big Mike from 'Nawth Calina' making "the bet" in the film "The Wood."

Ro, Slim and Big Mike from 'Nawth Calina' making "the bet" in the film "The Wood."

I must start this by saying that all guys, including myself, have the following issue at times: We look at women like poultry, beef, seafood and swine. When we first see them, we determine whether we will buy the rib-eye, settle for the fish sticks or avoid the pork within five seconds (think: Steve Harvey and cookie). It’s about as wrong as the porn problems we pretend we don’t have.

I digress.

I’ve thought through a salient theory for the issues guys have with maintaining platonic friendships with gals. The idea vibes along the line of thinking about baseball (or your grandmother) when you stood before your class and gave your book report with a boner because you were daydreaming about the finest girl in school. Yeah, we’ve all been there (see: Big Mike in “The Wood”).

There’s a simple answer: Think of every female you’d take the cookie from, but would prefer to keep as a friend as your best man’s girl/wife. Avoiding sexual encounters with your best manfriend’s girl is Man Law No. 173,982. (Some) Men follow this rule. (Too many) Women break it.

Remember what Chris Rock said? Men look at their guy’s girlfriend and think, “I’ve gotta get me someone like her.” Women look at their girlfriend’s man and think, “I’ve gotta get him.”

The logic is sound. Men who honor Man Law will not sleep with their guy’s girl. It doesn’t mean they won’t look. We’re men. Gay or straight, we all look, gaze and even stare at times.

How your typical porn addiction starts. Well, actually a boy stumbles upon his Dad's stash.

This is not how your typical porn problem starts. Normally, a boy stumbles upon his Dad's stash.

Undoubtedly, there are some guys you call friend who do — and will — disregard this Man Law. But they are the friends whom you shouldn’t lament if tomorrow they digest salmonella-laced peanut butter cookies (I kid). It and they are that simple.

In theory, this works. Then again, thinking about baseball rarely made me lose my hard on. Instead, I often considered ways I could steal the next base, and you know what I mean.

Still, it’s worth a shot. Let me know what you think.

Stay up (but down around your platonic female friends),

Dame

P.S. 88 Keys’ Stay Up (Viagra) f. K.West.
P.S.S. All kidding aside: The problem is a lack of respect. If you objectify a woman and see her as nothing more than meat in a supermarket, you will not respect her as a friend … or a human being.

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32 responses to “43. Guys With Platonic Female Friend Issues

  1. thecomebackgirl

    “When we first see them, we determine whether we will buy the rib-eye, settle for the fish sticks or avoid the pork within five seconds ”

    I love the way you put this!! lol

    • @thecbg: thanks. Everyone knows it’s beyond true, which damn near makes it cliche. But I had to find some way to spin it. You know. lol.

  2. Most of the guys I’ve tried to be friends with eventually ended up trying to make a move on me. I guess they just saw me as a piece of meat
    :-/

    I think it is possible to be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex but only if certain other things are true..I won’t get into that because it is a whole checklist of things. That being said, I wish my husband would just pop up with a new “platonic” female friend.

    • @tam: yeah, you can’t quite make new friends with the opposite sex once you marry can you? lol. Not unless your partner is there. But I still think people should maintain their real platonic friendships when married. They’re invaluable if platonic is indeed what they are.

  3. I agree, if he would have had a platonic friend when we met then I would have (probably) been fine with it and not tried to end the friendship (unless I got a suspect vibe from her). On second thought, I don’t know, I did date this one guy who had a close “friend” who he ended up cheating on me a few months into our relationship so that kind of soured me to the whole female/male friendship thing. Good thing I don’t have to deal with this anymore.

  4. Very good!

    I think there are some triflin women, but I’m pretty loyal. I won’t date a guy who my friend has dated, kissed or even shared a free lunch with (in middle school). lol

  5. I have exactly two women I would consider platonic friends. We’ve never stroked, kissed, or hugged romantically. But the reality is, within the first few weeks of meeting them, they coulda got the pipe. They are intelligent, attractive women and it was only natural to picture myself playing twister with them, minus the mat and clothes.

    The difference is I never made a move or mentioned it. Nor did they. I actually wanted these two women as friends more than I did a 90-day strokefest that ultimately ends in dislike. And it may be surprising that age had nothing to do with either woman; I was 15 when I met one (she was 16) and 29 (she was same age) when I met the other.

    • @offdwall: I totally agree with what you’ve just said. You have to respect a woman as a person (even if you know you could play naked twister with her), then a platonic friendship is feasible.

  6. You should write a letter to men that have girlfriends/wives/fiance’s with platonic friends. Do trust, when ‘you know who’ and I first started dating he had somewhat of an issue with you my friend….lol…I know, I never told you that before; but he’s all good now…

    • @jlbd: I knew it without you saying. Remember the trip to the STL? California Pizza Kitchen? yeah, I knew then. It’s not a big deal, though. A man wants to mark his territory (or as Steve Harvey says “profess” and “protect” his territory). But once he understands there’s no threat, he could careless. Now that still doesn’t mean we (you/i) talk at 2 a.m. on Saturday nights. That’s just stupid.

      • LMAO! Yeah, I remember that, and I was hoping that you didn’t get offended because I tore him a new one that night! He came with a lame excuse that he was dressed like a bum and didn’t want to go to the restaurant looking like that….but, whatever…He knows that you are one of my best friends that I have never even remotely had an innappropriate relationship with and he’s cool. I guess I can kind of understand his sentiment b/c if it were the other way around I might be having an attitude, but I know for a fact I could find a way to be civil…

        • @jlbd: you know how keen I am. It’s just hilarious because I was clearly in STL “doing my own thing” and he knew it, which makes it more hilarious.

          But I understand his pause. Like this post says, it’s hard to find a man who would turn down booty from a beautiful woman AND men know this as well. … But I have morals. lol.

          • He had this notion that it was weird for all three of us to meet up in a restaurant. He was like, ‘Y’all will be sitting there catching up and talking about stuff I don’t know about and I’ll be sitting there looking stupid…’ I’m like, ‘Ummmm, no…that would be dumb for us to use that time up talking about old times when I’m clearly just trying to introduce you guys’…. and then he’s like ‘Well, if I were to meet him in a social setting like at a bar or at a party then that’s different, but to just meet up at a restaurant is gay’….lol, I just shook my head and said….aiiiight….

  7. “I think there are some triflin women, but I’m pretty loyal. I won’t date a guy who my friend has dated, kissed or even shared a free lunch with (in middle school). lol”

    *shrieking with laughter”

    I wholeheartedly co-sign. I do this because when I was in HS I had a certain female friend who crushed on this guy on the basketball team…(Damon, get with me via e-mail on the guy from Mizzou I went to HS with…I can tell you who he is now) Anyways, she would get angry if you even spoke to him…this is when this whole thing became the rule to me..like I can speak to you, but please no extended convos unless we’re in a large group of people.

    R.E.S.P.E.C.T

  8. Glad I grew up with the right people, this has never been an issue.

    Anyone who’s SO popped up with an issue with it (me and my folks have known each other since the multicolor mat in 1st grade), that bf/gf didn’t last too long cause it was too much of a hassle to hang with “the group” cause the SO was tripping.

    I guess when comparing 6 Great friends you’ve known all your life VS. one new boyfriend/girlfriend

    6>1, SO loses everytime!

    • I wish I could say that I haven’t had friendships fizzle because of the situation you just wrote. But I have. And that (manure) eats at me to this day.

  9. Since this letter is about guys like me, I guess I should defend myself. I will start with some clarification. I do indeed have female friends where the relationship is platonic….but just not 100% platonic. I respect our friendship and being the supreme gentleman I am, don’t overtly cross the friend line. I believe women are valuable friends in that they provide different perspectives and insight than men. With that being said…

    In the back of my mind I still wouldn’t mind getting busy with pretty much all of my female friends. It’s not being disrespectful or objectifying women. It’s just the truth. I would be a bold faced lie if I said I’ve never thought about doing the nasty with the majority of my female friends. Maybe not long thoughts, but thoughts none this less AND on top of that if the situation somehow came up and all of the inhibitions came down then “the cookies” to borrow from the author, would be eaten. Devoured even. Once again just the truth.

    So if you are a female friend of mine and you know who I am, now you know the deal. I’ve pictured you naked and I will continue to do so. Yes, we may wax poetic about religion, politics, relationships, etc. and 90% of my thoughts will be engaged in our conversation. The other 10% though…well you get the picture

    • @dash: that’s my dude. I agree with just about everything you just wrote. great points/comebacks … curious to see what other people think.

      @thegallery: I need to edit/clarify this, but so you know, Dash is one the best young black men I know. Bar none.

    • You’re entire post is exactly how my fiance’ feels…and that’s why he said he doesn’t believe in platonic friendships because every man when he meets a woman and begins to talk to her has thought about plugging her…..it just happens to end in the friend zone after the woman doesn’t comply….lmao!

  10. You don’t mess with your friend’s girl. There are too many girls on the girl tree for that. There is no excuse for violating that man law.

    I may be in a minority on this, but if I meet a woman I’m interested in, and we date for a while and she just wants to be friends, I cut it off. If she knows I want more than a friendship, she can’t tease me by lurking around, calling all the time, then start telling me about some guy she met. We can be cool, but we aren’t going to be talking all the time.

  11. What is this mythical creature, a platonic friend of the opposite sex?

  12. Yeah Damon I see you’re still nuts! Glad to see you blog is blowing up, but I see you’re still spitting the craziness! lol

    I haven’t read through all the comments so I’m not sure if this has been said. However, that rule in which you speak of pertaining to men ‘ look(ing) at their guy’s girlfriend and think, “I’ve gotta get me someone like her.” is complete bullshit!

    Maybe if you replaced ‘girlfriend’ with ‘wife’ I might feel you a bit more, but men are always trying to ‘test’ the situation by sleeping with there man’s girl. Instead of the boyfriend getting upset with the sneaky friend they turn around and dap each other up while saying, ‘Forget that b!tch. She’s a whore!’ So even if the friend really liked the girl, he’ll fake it as if he’s cool with the situation because guys hate to trip over a chick…

    Now perhaps you need to revisit that bullshit @$$ rule in which you speak and blog about that nonsense because you’re dead wrong homie. Don’t put it on the woman. 😛 LOL

    Funny Post though…Definitely served for some good entertainment.

    • @cag: Great comment. And in some situations you’re right: there are some men who will sleep with their man’s girl. But I totally said that in the post. lol. Remember, I said something about them eating salmonella-laced peanut butter cookies. lol.

      Also recall that the rule isn’t mine. It’s Chris Rock’s.

      Now, I have to play off of what you just said with a real story. Me and my boys celebrated Dash’s birthday (the guy who the post is dedicated to).

      Dash has a beautiful girlfriend who has a posterior that rivals the Kanye lyric: “girl he had with him’s ass coulda won the horse awards.”

      When Dash’s GF showed up with her girls, he gave her a big hug and grabbed/nestled his hands on her behind. Me, Freeze and Absolute all watched wide-eyed thinking the same thing. And I simply said this:

      “Dash’s your girlfriend behind cannot be denied or ignored.” We all burst out laughing because it’s true. ………..

      And none of my fellas that I’m extremely close with would cross that line. Just trust me on that one. Hope you got another good chuckle. lol.

  13. Hi, nice post. I have been pondering this topic,so thanks for posting. I will definitely be coming back to your blog.

  14. Yeah, I can’t do platonic with women I’m interested in. If I’m attracted to her, I’m attracted to her. Feeling’s not mutual, what I look like still tryna keep in touch? Whether you tryna work it out with your ex or just plain ain’t interested, I’m kcufin’ DONE, son! She’s pretty much just another chick at that point…the calls and texts stop and the whole shot. I don’t care if I’ve literally known you since fifth grade. Maybe women shouldn’t let guys they’re not feeling like that pay their way to stuff as if they are.

    Only once was I kinda still keeping in touch with a FB of mine who then cut me to get married and crank out two quick kids with her longtime space cadet bf. And she’s a proven unreliable flake, so I don’t put much weight on association with her.

  15. I enjoy the female perspective as it sounds off against my eclectic way of thinking.

    Unfortunately, having gotten married to someone who is so insecure to think all I want a female friend for is to have sex with is depressing me to no end.

    If you have platonic female friends, honor them well. They are rare gems to find!

  16. Wow, so glad I came across this. I’ve been having an issue with my man having a female friend. But the way you put it, it’s all good now. He loves me and respects me and it’s unrealistic to think that some fairy dust is gonna get sprinkled on any of us in a relationship, that’s gonna make us stop being physically attracted to someone. It’s all about the character of the man. He won’t cross the line. Thanks guys!

  17. I am a woman and I have had a male friend for a couple of years who I have kind of really grown to like strongly, even while I was dating someone else. He is a gentleman. While my boyfriend was being an asshole, he was being a gentleman. While my boyfriend was being a narcissist, he was being generous. My boyfriend eventually dumped me and I have told my friend about my feelings and he has not responded so I am assuming he just doesnt feel the same way. I guess women also put men in categories of whether they would like men in a sexual way or not, we just arent as crass as you about saying it out loud. I knew from the moment i met my friend i liked him but i am not really the type to hit on anyone, especially my friends.

  18. I have a question…….can males and females be platonic friends if the male is not attracted to the female???? just wondering

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