55. White Kids Who Want to be Black


Ed’s Note: To fully understand this post, watch these two videos, then read the letter: Larry Wilmore’s Black Is In and the video above.

To White Kids Who Want to be Black (especially Larry King’s son):

Larry Wilmore explained a lot to you in the linked Daily Show rant. But I want you kids to understand things from a child’s perspective as well.

If you want to be black, you must give up Sunny Delight. You mustn’t only give up Sunny D, but you have to build up a tolerance to, and then take a liking to That Purple Stuff (TPS). You’re already *syh*, I know. You don’t even know what TPS is.

The dilemma is sincere. White or black really is a battle between purple and Sunny D.

The dilemma is sincere. White or black really is a battle between purple and Sunny D.

TPS could be one of two things, and it ain’t Grape Juice. It’s grape pop (I don’t say soda) or purple Kool-Aid. That means you have to learn to love high fructose corn syrup and mounds of sugar, neither of which is good for you. One goes straight to your gut, and the other will eventually lead to self-diagnosed attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.

And you don’t even get the brand names. No Coca-Cola. No Dr. Pepper. No Sprite. Just Cola, Dr. Thunder and Lemon Lime.

But I can’t be all negative. There is something for you to get excited about. Black kids get to learn their colors by the time they are three. Seriously, there are that many colors of Kool-Aid, and at times you’ll have three of them in your fridge at once (as MB pointed out in “I’m So Hood”). Red. Blue. Purple. Orange. Even Yellow.

Trust me, you’ll be ahead of all the kids in art class. The only colors you won’t know are white and black (they’re not considered colors anyway). But give yourself a few years before you get caught up in that mess. It’s lifelong turmoil. But if you’re old enough to make a conscious decision, these last two paragraphs are vital to your development.

If you want to be black, you will have to commit your life to making the exact opposition transition Michael Jackson has made over 30 years. Do you know how difficult that would be? Seriously, Mike’s favorite food is KFC and he drinks Crown Royal. (Be glad KFC recently added grilled chicken to the menu.)

I know, plenty of white people get a constant “get dark” fix via the tanning booth or under the sun. But those methods cause cancer. There are also lip injections and butt implants (see: Kim Kardashian). You don’t want to go those routes, either. How about you just enjoy being you as you were made? Sounds like a safe idea to me.

Sincerely yours,

Damon featuring the assistance of Dave and Larry

P.S. The Sunny Delight “Purple Stuff” Commercial

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44 responses to “55. White Kids Who Want to be Black

  1. BTW, those clips were hilarious…

  2. I’m a half white/half black mix that is treated like an other and often confused so I don’t know how much I can contribute but here’s what I think.

    These white kids don’t want to be BLACK, they want to be “cool”. Popular media that displays blacks (mainly male rappers and athletes) ballin’ out of control with all of their bling bling and sexy women has kids of both races thinking that this is cool so they emulate it. Black people are very creative, we come up with interesting styles of dress, music, dances etc. These things are different to a lot of white kids. Different is intriguing and so they want to experience it.

    If they really knew what being black meant then they probably wouldn’t want it. And even if they still thought they wanted it they probably wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure of it.

    I feel like I’m starting to ramble so I’ll end it at that.

  3. P.S.

    You might want to apply for a home loan, college, and/or a job before you make that transition.

    • This is for sure the truth … but a black person can get into college, though.

      A black person can score a 16 on the ACT and get into college. I’ve seen it happen. And they weren’t hoopers.

      But that happens, too.

  4. blackgirlinmaine

    Good post. You took me back with the drink references, I swear all we had in my house growing up was some sort of drink…not juice but drink. I hate kool-aid to this day and keep a fridge stocked with juice.

    Anyway good post!

    • @blackgirlinmaine: I don’t do Kool-Aid … ever. I sip Crystal Light. lol.

      And I have an affinity for Ocean Spray’s Cran Mango Juice. Odd taste acquire because of a college friend.

      And link your blog. People need to read you. Hell, I need to read you more.

  5. Honestly when I saw the title I was scared to read it because I didn’t know where it would lead… but I’m glad it made me laugh.

    I hated Sunny D as a kid. My friends had it in their homes, but we had Kool-Aid in ours. And yes I called it by the color. I didn’t know what the actual flavor was til I got older, and even now I still refer to it as red, purple, orange, and blue.

    I think a lot of kids, teens, and adults feed into the stereotypes of what they believe is “black” or “white.” Which I believe is what you are kinda trying to point out, right? They either try to play into those roles or accuse people of doing so. I also believe that many people get wrongly accused for playing into the roles when they are simply trying to be themselves.

    Take me for example, I didn’t grow up in a stereotypical white household. Far from what you’d see on “Leave it to Beaver.” Therefore, how I grew up and how I behave has had people (that don’t know me) say I am either not white enough or trying to act black. I can’t help it that I know about and listen to A Tribe Called Quest, Common, Mos Def, De La Soul (I believe they exemplify true hip hop music)… or that I may talk a little different than some because of where I grew up and who I grew up around. I’ve always been told I have an “accent.”

    I also can’t help it that I am in love with history and am specializing in African-American History and Culture. Does that mean I am trying to be black? No, that just means I am trying to educate myself on what we weren’t really taught in school. The history that was given only a chapter. I’ve read The Autobiography of Malcolm X, Waiting ‘Til the Midnight Hour, The Covenant with Black America, Race First (yes I know about Marcus Garvey), Too Heavy A Load, etc. (I suggest all of these books for anyone that hasn’t read them). And I read some of them because I wanted to not because I was told to.

    Sorry to take a serious tone when I know your post didn’t have any hurtful intentions. But I do think people should realize that sometimes it isn’t a laughing matter.

    • *starts slow claps*

      Don’t ever worry about being serious or funny in a situation that doesn’t particularly call for it. Be you in the moment.

      Be you period. This comment is on point. And I get where you’re coming from. … I can tell you right now that every black commenter who has posted on this blog has been cracked on at some point or another for “sounding too white.”

      That’s life. People are ignorant. Be who you are. 100 Grand. And everything will fall into it’s place. Whether you listen to “Ms. Fat Booty” once a week or rock out to U2 or your fav local band every night. …

      And every kid, no matter the race, associated Kool-Aid with the colors. The color is all that mattered at the point.

      Just like with Starburst. Nobody calls the yellow Starburst banana. IT’S YELLOW. AND IT’S NASTY AS HELL. lol. (Starburst, my fav. Candy … And JLBD, no you can’t have none. You’re on punishment from the sweets… lol).

      • At first I didn’t want to elaborate on this post because I really wish that racial stereotyping and division would just end cold turkey. But, since you called me out on the candy reference (yes, I love candy and yes Damon used to hide it from me when we were in college because he knew I’d want some 🙂 ) Love ya kid….but, anyway, getting back on topic. I come from a big Catholic family and my mom put me in Catholic school from Kindergarten to 8th grade (she wanted me to go to a Catholic high school but I refused) anyhow, I was the only black kid in my class all throughout this time and in the whole school I can only remember there being a maximum of 5 black kids at one time in attendance. So, I’m sure it’s easy to see how I was influenced from a young age but I never wanted to be white. I used to feel out of place at times and wish that I didn’t stick out so much (not only was I the only black girl, but I was always very tall), but my parents kept me grounded. The worse experience I had during that time was my own family (cousins my age) accusing me of trying to be/talk white. That really hurt my feelings because all I was trying to do was speak proper english that was taught to me in the classroom. I agree with the poster Sarah that said that white kids don’t necessarily want to be black they want to be ‘cool’. I can remember during those elementary years hearing and seeing my classmates do stuff that I had been saying and doing for a long time but they were just picking up the trend. Believe me, EVERY race in this world looks at other races and admires SOMETHING about them no matter how much people may deny it. That’s what makes us beautiful as humans and able to live happily in this world as people with different walks of life and different cultures. It needs to be embraced not disputed…..

        • Everything here, I can vibe with … but i have to say this, and you’ve heard it a million times before … Racial stereotyping will never end.

          Stereotyping period will never end. We’re too judgmental as a people. I say it in No. 9, No. 10 and in Monday’s letter …

          That’s what we do as a people.

        • That was Tam that said that not me…. just fyi

          • @sarah: I’m confused? Explain further.

            • jlbd said: “I agree with the poster Sarah that said that white kids don’t necessarily want to be black they want to be ‘cool’.”

              That was a statement Tam made in her post. Mine was referring to how much people stereotype into what being white and black is. White kids (just as well as black kids) get accused of being “too black” or “too white” when they are just acting themselves.

              • Ok, I’m with you now… It was just from earlier in the day, and I didn’t want to read back and see what was what. Figured I’d just ask.

                Thanks for the clarification.

  6. You know, I didn’t understand that I was different from other (black) kids until this girl in my first grade class asked me why my grandmother was white. She had come to see me be Harrigan in my school’s tribute to St. Patrick’s Day. And since my grandmother was half Irish, she felt it would be a nice addition to our family’s celebration to see me play the part of a jaunty little Irish man.

    From that point on, I tried to prove my “blackness” by attempting to style my hair like the other black girls at school in the early 90’s (waterfalls, the fan, big french roll), but my mixed[up] hair just wouldn’t cooperate. Eventually (while planning my grandmother’s funeral freshman year of college) I realized that it didn’t matter how “black” other people perceived me to be, because to her, I was just Monica.

    By the way, the Corn Refiners Association says high fructose corn syrup is “fine in moderation”, and Kraft Foods (maker of Kool-Aid) agreed until the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) threatened them with a law suit in 2006 for passing the sweetener off as “natural”…

    • @moni: I know I don’t even need to reply to this with what I’m thinking. This is for whoever reads this:

      But yeah, proving blackness is a crazy position a lot of us find ourselves in from time to time. As you know, I will forever say be who you are. (Forget) what other people think/say at this point. Listen to the ideas and opinions of your close friends and hear out the arguments of people you don’t know, just to see where they go and if you need to be listening …

      But be you.

      oh, and if high fructose corn syrup is “fine in moderation,” that whole free refill thing should be tossed out the window. But who wants pop in moderation? Who really drinks an eight ounce can of Coke or eats on Pringle? *crickets*

  7. In the South, Purple drink is one of three things:
    – Purple Kool-Aid
    – Syzzurp
    – or most commonly, the quarter drink. EVERYBODY knows the “quarter drink” (as seen at this link: http://lh5.google.com/lookytasty/R5fS42Vq78I/AAAAAAAABLg/SoIwMSOg–8/s400/IMG_0531.JPG ) Apparently, they are called Little Hugs, but in my house they were the quarter drinks or purple, red, blue, green drink.

    Also, the word (in North Carolina at least) is that Sunny D makes your nuts shrink. We stayed away from the stuff. LOL

    For White kids wanting to be Black, the best movie I’ve seen of this phenomenon is Whiteboys. Hilarious.

    • that picture is spot on. … and so is people in the south drinking Syzzurp.

      I’m still trying to understand what would make someone want to drink cough syrup to get high … also, “cheese” … I’ve read enough about it, and that stuff is going to ruin America’s youth if they don’t get control of it.

    • I’m from NC too! Okay, just wanted to say that and I never heard that Sunny D makes your nuts shrink but perhaps that’s a guy thing.

      • LOL… in the RDU area, that was certain folklore amongst the fellas in the two high schools I attended.

        • @offdwall and tam: So y’all definitely know about Mountain Dew and it’s “supposed” dangers for men, too?

          • Yup! I heard that too and swore Mountain Dew in the summer of 1987 when its supposed effects were told me to me while watching the Price is Right. I also remember the day I learned of Sunny D… summer 1991. LOL

            Nut shrinkage is terrifying to me… it must be if I remember where I was when I heard these things.

            • @offdwall: I remember where i was when Mark McGwire hit No. 62. I wish I could forget now.

              I remember where I was when Obama won the election: working.

              Can’t remember where I was when I found out about Mountain Dew. Probably in my high school.

              Sunny D: this blog. this morning. lol.

          • Oh yeah I heard about Mountin Dew but I don’t believe any of that mess, I also don’t have nuts so it doesn’t apply to me.

            Sidenote: @offdwall: Are you still in the RDU area and what chapter Que did you cross? I went to NC State and crossed Delta in ’01.

            • Tam: I’m not in the RDU area anymore…. left for college and never came back, but my parents are there and I come home quite a few times a year. I crossed @ Phi Omicron… you’re a Delta from State… my sister went there, but didn’t pledge. I bet you probably know her.

  8. Dang I want some purple Kool Aid now.

    You forgot they must start playing games like:

    N*gger Knockers and Hide n’ Go Get it.

  9. thecomebackgirl

    “and butt implants (see: Kim Kardashian). ”

    Wait Kim K has butt implants…

    • I really don’t think so … but if they were, would you be surprised? lol.

      The same logic to “No E. Lynn” applies.

      • thecomebackgirl

        I love Kim…No Ellen!!! she’s an “ethnic european” LOL..wit a booty.

        • This “No Ellen, No E. Lynn” thing is going to catch on. watch. lol.

          • LOL… yup, especially since they spell/sound a little bit alike.

            As for Kim, while she is still eye candy, I just can’t shake the image of Ray J beating her down. She lost some of her allure after that. lol

            • Kim K. is fine. But being Ray J bank of choice for quite some time definitely takes away a slew of cool points.

              Honestly, Reggie Bush doesn’t bring them back either. He’s cool. But there’s a part of me that thinks he’s dumb as rocks. It’s just a guess, though. But he’s definitely smell himself a little too much.

              • “But there’s a part of me that thinks he’s dumb as rocks.”

                I agree… but I’ll take his dumb “a” for a spin. lol

              • Yeah, and how smart of a man are you really if you are cavorting about town with some chick who Ray J pipe’d and sold on the Internet??? I mean, that’s like me bragging about dating Monica Lewinsky.

                • I never thought about it like that. But that’s very true … wonder if Ray J has a blue dress of Kim’s?

                  on Reggie: I’m just not a fan of those quasi-hood people who are trying to be proper in front of the television cameras, but don’t know what to say.

                  That makes you fake in my book. Be who you are. If you’re hood, allow your true color to shine on thru. If you’re “square like a matchbox” (can’t stop this pimpin, UGK for your southern tastes) be square.

                  your life will be infinitely easier.

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