To White Kids Who Want to be Black (especially Larry King’s son):
Larry Wilmore explained a lot to you in the linked Daily Show rant. But I want you kids to understand things from a child’s perspective as well.
If you want to be black, you must give up Sunny Delight. You mustn’t only give up Sunny D, but you have to build up a tolerance to, and then take a liking to That Purple Stuff (TPS). You’re already *syh*, I know. You don’t even know what TPS is.
TPS could be one of two things, and it ain’t Grape Juice. It’s grape pop (I don’t say soda) or purple Kool-Aid. That means you have to learn to love high fructose corn syrup and mounds of sugar, neither of which is good for you. One goes straight to your gut, and the other will eventually lead to self-diagnosed attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.
And you don’t even get the brand names. No Coca-Cola. No Dr. Pepper. No Sprite. Just Cola, Dr. Thunder and Lemon Lime.
But I can’t be all negative. There is something for you to get excited about. Black kids get to learn their colors by the time they are three. Seriously, there are that many colors of Kool-Aid, and at times you’ll have three of them in your fridge at once (as MB pointed out in “I’m So Hood”). Red. Blue. Purple. Orange. Even Yellow.
Trust me, you’ll be ahead of all the kids in art class. The only colors you won’t know are white and black (they’re not considered colors anyway). But give yourself a few years before you get caught up in that mess. It’s lifelong turmoil. But if you’re old enough to make a conscious decision, these last two paragraphs are vital to your development.
If you want to be black, you will have to commit your life to making the exact opposition transition Michael Jackson has made over 30 years. Do you know how difficult that would be? Seriously, Mike’s favorite food is KFC and he drinks Crown Royal. (Be glad KFC recently added grilled chicken to the menu.)
I know, plenty of white people get a constant “get dark” fix via the tanning booth or under the sun. But those methods cause cancer. There are also lip injections and butt implants (see: Kim Kardashian). You don’t want to go those routes, either. How about you just enjoy being you as you were made? Sounds like a safe idea to me.
Damon featuring the assistance of Dave and Larry