Ed’s Note: If you’ve been reading, you know I have a self-imposed boycott of VH1 going strong. Thus, I haven’t seen one minute of “For The Lust of Brandy’s Brother.” But I know it’s popular — and that some human being nicknamed “Cocktail” won — because it gets too much play on Twitter and Facebook. That said, I’ll feed you with what’s current: Here’s a letter from Luvvie to Ray J. Luvvie and I are swapping posts this week, so look out for a letter to “Non-Celebs Who Wear Shades Indoors” at Awesomely Luvvie.
Dear Ray J,
So somehow or the other, you fanagled your way into a VH1 reality TV show. Then again, the human beef jerky (Flava Flav) had three seasons worth, so clearly caliber isn’t a criteria. Your slut-tastic ways pay off ONCE again! I ain’t gon’ lie though. You had me hooked to your show since the first time I saw the commercial. I knew the foolery would be a-plenty and you did not disappoint. All them girls were magnificent messes. I gotta talk to you about your final three, though, as I watched them yesterday.
This is the part where if you haven’t watched it, you may wanna click off until you finally do. It will come on more times than the Clapper during one of Ray J’s tapes so you are sure to catch it soon enough.
As I was saying. First, I’mo talk about Danger (and yes, she indeed “SMASHED THE HOMIES”). Danger is gorgeous, even with that Panther on her face. But the chick is crazier than a lil’ bit. Her temper tantrums, her past (which includes inflicting physical injury on an ex), and her aura of DRAMA just startle me. How she even lasted this long is beyond me. Wait, wait, I know why. The power of the P-U- (you know the rest). You and Danger did the southside slippery slide EVERY night she was on the show, so you put up with her brand of crazy. She was Kathy Bates from “Misery” crazy. Danger is so unstable she’d make the scales of justice go wonky. When you finally let her go and she laughed and said, “It’s not like me and Ray won’t be seeing each other,” I said, “Well dang.” Guess that tangled web of insanity ain’t over. Ray, be careful. You may need to carry some holy water, garlic and a wooden cross for the next time you see her. Spritz the water on her and yell, “The power of Christ compels you!” Oh Danger…
Then there was Unique & Cocktail. When you decided that you had to meet their parents, I was excited because it’s interesting to see the foundation behind the attention-whore participants of reality TV shows. First was Unique’s family in Cleveland. She has a beautifully normal family, and I LOVED her mama for grilling you like po’k. Ray, you were sweating like R. Kelly at the Mickey Mouse Club. Now THAT is a Mama. A true gangstress. Mess with her spawn and watch her claws come out.
Oh and Ray, can you pass on this note to Unique for me? I know you’re a member of the IBTC (hey, sistagurl!) but that doesn’t mean you should refuse to wear bras. I mean, DANG! Your headlights are perpetually THERE and methinks you should holler at some underwire. Kthnx.
Anyway, back to you. Iunno what made Unique come on this show. Her family is too much like right for her to be involved in such riff raffery. Oh, and Ray J? Don’t think I ain’t see that tacky white fur you were rocking. Looking like a human Milk Popsicle. Foolish.
On to your other girl, Cocktail. When y’all walked into the threshold of her parent’s crib and there were tequila shots waiting for you, I was thoo! Yes, THOO! I’m mad that Cocktail’s family are caricatures of Mexican people. How do you walk in, trip on the welcome mat and fall into some shots of Cuervo? All that was missing from the scene was a sombrero, a Mariachi Band singing “Aye ya ya ya,” and a cameo from Speedy Gonzales. iCan’t. I’d be HEATED if I was Mexicano. I’m glad there was no watermelon at Unique’s crib. Shoot, I’da been pissed.
Cocktail’s family seemed nice enough though. And the food they were eating looked delicious. Ray, EFF WHAT YOU THOUGHT! Goat meat may not “float your boat” but it rocks MY socks! Especially in some delicious stew and some rice? Abeg, you don’t know whatcha missing!
Fast forward the show and you and Cocktail do the Backwards Boogie in the shower. I don’t think Mrs. Norwood (and her jheri curl) would approve. She’s somewhere scowling right now. I feel her disapproving eyes! This, of course, led me to knowing who you’d pick. It was a clear choice at this point.
You picked the human doormat. I can even see the “welcome” on Cocktail’s forehead. She shrieked, “He picked me and that’s all I ever wanted.” I’mo need Cocktail to get some goals in life! Jeebs be some ambition and higher expectations. Her life is that old comedy sketch on MADTV “Lowered expectations.” She is TOO content with her status of subparity. Sheesh! She better enjoy the ride while it lasts. By the time they show the reunion special, you’da dropped her as fast as she dropped the drawers.
Yes you picked a “winner,” but what was her prize? To continue to do the horizontal line dance with a walking embodiment of lacking talent and scandal? Call a spade a spade, Ray J. You’re not looking for love, just some booty and some money to pay your water bill. If that’s all you wanted then hey, admit it. We’re all grown ’round these parts.
Anyway, thanks for the entertainment. I heard there’s already a Season 2 in the works. I’m kinda mad at this, but I have no doubt I’ll be watching. I can’t help it.
Your biggest side-eyer o_0,
P.S. Ray J, for public health’s sake, I hope you get tested weekly. Like for real.