Luvvie: Brandy’s Brother

Ed’s Note: If you’ve been reading, you know I have a self-imposed boycott of VH1 going strong. Thus, I haven’t seen one minute of “For The Lust of Brandy’s Brother.” But I know it’s popular — and that some human being nicknamed “Cocktail” won — because it gets too much play on Twitter and Facebook. That said, I’ll feed you with what’s current: Here’s a letter from Luvvie to Ray J. Luvvie and I are swapping posts this week, so look out for a letter to “Non-Celebs Who Wear Shades Indoors” at Awesomely Luvvie.

Dear Ray J,

So somehow or the other, you fanagled your way into a VH1 reality TV show. Then again, the human beef jerky (Flava Flav) had three seasons worth, so clearly caliber isn’t a criteria. Your slut-tastic ways pay off ONCE again! I ain’t gon’ lie though. You had me hooked to your show since the first time I saw the commercial. I knew the foolery would be a-plenty and you did not disappoint. All them girls were magnificent messes. I gotta talk to you about your final three, though, as I watched them yesterday.

This is the part where if you haven’t watched it, you may wanna click off until you finally do. It will come on more times than the Clapper during one of Ray J’s tapes so you are sure to catch it soon enough.

Brandy's brother and one of two women he should be allowed to love. The other? His mother.

Brandy's brother and one of two women he should be allowed to love. The other? His mother.

As I was saying. First, I’mo talk about Danger (and yes, she indeed “SMASHED THE HOMIES”). Danger is gorgeous, even with that Panther on her face. But the chick is crazier than a lil’ bit. Her temper tantrums, her past (which includes inflicting physical injury on an ex), and her aura of DRAMA just startle me. How she even lasted this long is beyond me. Wait, wait, I know why. The power of the P-U- (you know the rest). You and Danger did the southside slippery slide EVERY night she was on the show, so you put up with her brand of crazy. She was Kathy Bates from “Misery” crazy. Danger is so unstable she’d make the scales of justice go wonky. When you finally let her go and she laughed and said, “It’s not like me and Ray won’t be seeing each other,” I said, “Well dang.” Guess that tangled web of insanity ain’t over. Ray, be careful. You may need to carry some holy water, garlic and a wooden cross for the next time you see her. Spritz the water on her and yell, “The power of Christ compels you!” Oh Danger…

Then there was Unique & Cocktail. When you decided that you had to meet their parents, I was excited because it’s interesting to see the foundation behind the attention-whore participants of reality TV shows. First was Unique’s family in Cleveland. She has a beautifully normal family, and I LOVED her mama for grilling you like po’k. Ray, you were sweating like R. Kelly at the Mickey Mouse Club. Now THAT is a Mama. A true gangstress. Mess with her spawn and watch her claws come out.

Oh and Ray, can you pass on this note to Unique for me? I know you’re a member of the IBTC (hey, sistagurl!) but that doesn’t mean you should refuse to wear bras. I mean, DANG! Your headlights are perpetually THERE and methinks you should holler at some underwire. Kthnx.

Anyway, back to you. Iunno what made Unique come on this show. Her family is too much like right for her to be involved in such riff raffery. Oh, and Ray J? Don’t think I ain’t see that tacky white fur you were rocking. Looking like a human Milk Popsicle. Foolish.

On to your other girl, Cocktail. When y’all walked into the threshold of her parent’s crib and there were tequila shots waiting for you, I was thoo! Yes, THOO! I’m mad that Cocktail’s family are caricatures of Mexican people. How do you walk in, trip on the welcome mat and fall into some shots of Cuervo? All that was missing from the scene was a sombrero, a Mariachi Band singing “Aye ya ya ya,” and a cameo from Speedy Gonzales. iCan’t. I’d be HEATED if I was Mexicano. I’m glad there was no watermelon at Unique’s crib. Shoot, I’da been pissed.

Cocktail’s family seemed nice enough though. And the food they were eating looked delicious. Ray, EFF WHAT YOU THOUGHT! Goat meat may not “float your boat” but it rocks MY socks! Especially in some delicious stew and some rice? Abeg, you don’t know whatcha missing!

Fast forward the show and you and Cocktail do the Backwards Boogie in the shower. I don’t think Mrs. Norwood (and her jheri curl) would approve. She’s somewhere scowling right now. I feel her disapproving eyes! This, of course, led me to knowing who you’d pick. It was a clear choice at this point.

You picked the human doormat. I can even see the “welcome” on Cocktail’s forehead. She shrieked, “He picked me and that’s all I ever wanted.” I’mo need Cocktail to get some goals in life! Jeebs be some ambition and higher expectations. Her life is that old comedy sketch on MADTV “Lowered expectations.” She is TOO content with her status of subparity. Sheesh! She better enjoy the ride while it lasts. By the time they show the reunion special, you’da dropped her as fast as she dropped the drawers.

Yes you picked a “winner,” but what was her prize? To continue to do the horizontal line dance with a walking embodiment of lacking talent and scandal? Call a spade a spade, Ray J. You’re not looking for love, just some booty and some money to pay your water bill. If that’s all you wanted then hey, admit it. We’re all grown ’round these parts.

Anyway, thanks for the entertainment. I heard there’s already a Season 2 in the works. I’m kinda mad at this, but I have no doubt I’ll be watching. I can’t help it.

Your biggest side-eyer o_0,

Luvvie

P.S. Ray J, for public health’s sake, I hope you get tested weekly. Like for real.

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27 responses to “Luvvie: Brandy’s Brother

  1. @Luvvie: it’s cool to read your letter on here. I’ll check out Awesomly Luvvie as well. I love reading good blogs.

    I never watched For The Love of Ray J but my husband did. He usually watched in a room that I wasn’t in but every now and then he’d watch it in our bedroom while I was getting ready for bed and even then I still wouldn’t watch but I could definitely hear it until I fell asleep. What I heard…craziness. LOL!

    The names that the ladies (and I do use this word loosely) allow him to call them were bad enough. My husband told me that Ray J. chose someone that looks similar to Kim Kardashian. Does she? I have no idea what she looks like. He also told me that Brandi was a guest on there…how could she co-sign on that show? I thought she loved her baby brother and considered him her best friend. I know it’s all for entertainment but I would be so embarrassed if my little brother had a show like this & there is no way I’d dignify it by chatting it up with the contestants.

    Thanks for the guest post. I enjoyed reading it (although I don’t know much about the show) and will check out your blog soon.

    • That show was straight foolery from beginning to end and I couldn’t help but watch it. Yes, Brandy was on one episode, and I just shook my head. She needs to get some business. For real.

      Glad to know you enjoyed the post! Take a peek at my page when you get time 🙂

    • @Shawnta: I’m really glad that I don’t know what any of these girls look like. But Ray J picking a Kim K look-a-like seems plausible.

      That’s the best looking girl he’ll ever get in his life. And I’m sure he’s watched that tape of himself and her so many times that she’s ingrained in his brain …

      Honestly, I think I may have turned to the show if they promo’d Kim K. as coming in as Ray J. “ex-girlfriend” to give him advice on who he should pick … a la Flavor of Love …

      The ratings woulda been through the roof for that one.

  2. Good post Luvvie.
    I’ll admit I watched the show too. Sometimes I just get hooked and I can’t help myself.
    Danger was a HOTT mess…. and there were rumors of her being pregnant with Ray J’s baby, which she later dismissed. But you should have seen the look on his face at the reunion when it was brought up. It was PRICELESS.

    And as far as his choice….he picked Cocktail because she “needs a man.” Unique was too independent for him. He probably figured he can control Cocktail.

  3. @Luvvie – I read this post on your blog and thought it was hilarious even though I refused to watch the show. After that whole Flava Flav debacle I vowed never to watch VH1 again.

    I will say that the phrase “She smashed the homies” was about the best thing I heard about from the show (via fb and twitter). I even found a way to use it in a conversation, LOL.

    • @Tam: I’m just glad there’s someone else personally boycotting VH1’s “find a true lust” shows…

      And I’m glad that I missed the whole “she smashed the homies” debacle until now… lol. That makes me want to see it in context. But I never will, which is clearly fine by me.

  4. This letter was incredibly perfect.

    But I disagree on Danger’s level of attractiveness- she looks like a pug dog. And maybe it’s those lips- and that god awful shade of prostitute red lipstick…

    Now, I know, I know, I have big lips too so I shouldn’t talk. lol. But I’m not feeling hers, they always look like a kissy face.

    And I agree, Unique is not a woman who should have been on this show. Perhaps it was an experiment for her but she’s a lilttle too normal for the foolery.

  5. thecomebackgirl

    im confused you;re boycotting the show but apparently you’ve seen every episode and know the ends and out better than I? so when did the boycott start?

    As for the family grill..i was a little annoyed that MORE grilling wasn’t done by the father. Of course Imma have my two cents to say about a man who obviously came to major fame with a se@x tape..thats natural. But for the daddy to sit there (is it a white man married to a domineering black woman thing??) like nothing..is a little troublesome.

    In the end I thought he picked the chick he could mess over. Who he could screw and trash without remorse. and be done with in six months..so he can do for the love of Ray j 2.

    These shows are utter jokes to me cause if I can recall flavor Flave picked the woman OFF THE SHOW ..his baby momma to be with…not some chick vying for his attention on VH1.

  6. DANGER! SHE SMASHED THE HOMIES!…..**looks down in shame because I watched this show from beginning to end**….LMAO! Luvvie this was a good post, and I agree with your whole assessment. I also agree that Danger was very beautiful to me at first (she has a wierd shape) but her face was very pretty even with that god-awful tattoo. But, as the show progressed and I saw how evil and vindictive she was she started to get uglier and uglier to the point where she looked like the devil to me…real talk…She was scary and I’m glad Ray sent her home. I had a feeling he was going to pick Cocktail too because Unique was very much a strong independent woman and he saw that he could not run her and her mama would be a strong force (think New York and Sister Patterson) LOL! I know I know, Unique and her mother were far more classy but you get my drift…Honestly I thought Caviar was the prettiest chick on this show but she was as dumb as a box of rocks and listening to her talk was so so painful…

  7. Oh and another thing….has anyone seen the triple X rated all up in her ovaries pics of Danger on the Internet? Somebody sent them to me and I’m still scarred…

    • Please e-mail. this is a forward you should know that you can send. thank you, kindly.

      Your good friend, Damon

      • Well um, I happily deleted it…but you can do a google search and find it pretty quickly I’m sure…I would think to type: Danger Nekkid pics…lmao! Let me know how traumatized you are after you get done looking at her uterus…

  8. Yeah, I’ve been AWOL on VH1 for a while. Just can’t wrap my brain around them shows…

    • @CDF: I can’t wrap my brain around most reality television. It’s not real. And that we actually watch it scares me.

      It’s a potent formula that spells disaster for the American way of life. It’s worse than the Swine Flu, if you ask me.

  9. (Edited by Damon for clarity. We want your debut comment to be legible, and not use offensive language.)

    Honestly, If you people hate the show or Ray J as much as you claim, Why bother, watching, or being concerned about it or what he is doing?

    At the end of the day this is entertainment, He isn’t the first and won’t be the last. He found a way to make money, a Job, and he did it. I can careless how someone makes money as long as they are not on the corner feeding crack into our youths blood.

    As many people who don’t like the show, it has the highest ratings… As many people that Don’t like Ray J… his fame isn’t decreasing if anything he’s getting more popular then he ever was.

    I mean sure have your opinion but at the end of the day your opinion won’t stop people from doing what they want or cutting them checks.

    As far as him getting tested I hope everyone gets tested but as far as I have noticed, the boy may be a male hoe but as seen he uses protection and I don’t see him with not one child so I believe he’s smart enough to play it safe.

    Either way cry a river, it makes no sense. People complained when he was just Brandy’s little brother. Now he is much more than that to the public and it’s still not good enough.

    Do something with your life other then waste time writing such bull(manure).

    • Wow is right, in response to your post. I think you missed the bigger picture, it’s not about this particular show or how many ratings it is getting….the point is that reality television is comparable to an obese person constantly reaching for the last piece of german chocolate cake….it’s slowly making them less healthy but it tastes oh so good…get it? And, for the record this is America so people have every right to write how they feel about something and it not being called bullsh1t….calm down…

    • @Mr. (do you go to Jacob with $2,500?) Wow

      Thanks for coming through, and commenting. Your view is respected, just try not to curse for us. That’s one of the aims here.

      As for your rant (here’s the river you wanted some one to cry for you. Really, it’s a Tsunami): WHAT RAY J AND MARK CRONIN AND CO. ARE PEDDLING IS GENERATION Y CRACK. Yes, I used all caps. no, it probably didn’t emphasis my point anymore. But whatever. I felt like it.

      Just like some people feel like watching Ray J’s show and bagging on it because of how coontastic it is. ….

      His fame is increasing because there are too many fools like him out there who think making a dollar at $0.15 is most important.

      It’s not.

      Please comeback on Monday, when I personally roast the pot-bellied pig that is Mark Cronin.

      Sincerely yours,

      Damon

    • Dearest Wow,

      Jeebs be some sense of humor for you and some removal for the stick you CLEARLY have up ur anus.

      Sincerely,

      Luvviekins

    • If it is a waste of time to write a letter to Ray J and his sorry excuse for a show then isn’t it an even BIGGER waste of time to actually read said letter and then write a long comment about it?

      Just a thought…..

  10. Hi, good post. I have been thinking about this issue,so thanks for sharing. I will certainly be subscribing to your posts.

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