FRQs: Matrimony, Maybe You

UPDATE: Luvvie posted the letter to People Who Wear Shades Indoors. Check it out if you need the letter fix today.

So as you can tell, there’s been a wedding/marriage/relationship/parenting/coontastic theme to the week. No reason to stop it here.

Five Random Questions:

1. Have you ever been to a wedding that got shutdown like you see on television or the movies (SATC or “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”)? I’ve been searching for someone who has seen this go down for like three years? If you haven’t, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen happen at a wedding?

2. When do you know that you fully trust your spouse or significant other?

3. What is a marriage/relationship deal breaker for you? Just one.

4. How long should a package of 48 rolls of  toilet paper last for a married couple with no kids?

5. What is the best break-up song you’ve ever heard? I’m answering this here on purpose: Maxwell’s Pretty Wings. Best concept album Marvin Gaye’s “Here, My Dear.” 808s & Heartbreaks is a distant 532nd in that category.

—-

The speed dating thing was interesting. Better yet, intriguing. Good story behind it. Might share soon.

Next week: I’ve been toying about which route to go. It was either going to be a letter to “The Swagger Revolution” (that I haven’t written yet) or “Mark Cronin.” Seeing as how I feel like being lazy … we’re going to go with Lucifer’s best friend. That’d be Mark Cronin. … Have a good/safe/blessed weekend, people.

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56 responses to “FRQs: Matrimony, Maybe You

  1. 1. No, but I’ve seen two drumlines perform at a wedding before. Interesting. The first one was cool (JLBD, you were there). the second one, not so much.

    2. Never. But you can come close when you’re able to use the lavatory system in front of that person without stopping the conversational flow one bit. Just my opinion, though.

    3. Cheating. If ever someone feels it necessary to step out, they’re crapping on they’re marriage or relationship. And that’s not cool. It’s over.

    4. Two people? four months. Just a guess, though.

    5. Maxwell’s Pretty Wings. Find another one, please. lol.

  2. 1. No but I was at a wedding that when they said the part “if anyone disagrees” and the groom turned his head back and look right at some woman who I later on learned was someone he had seeing prior to getting engaged. Needless to say, that marriage didn’t last long.

    2. Based on my experiences in life I just don’t feel that you can ever really trust anyone, spouse included.

    3. A child that I didn’t know about popping up. Even IF the child was born before we met.

    4. We’re working on one right now and about half way through at 2 months so I could agree with Damon’s answer of 4 months.

    5. Mya, “If You Died I Wouldn’t Cry” – yeah…it’s messed up…but how I generally felt after a breakup.

    sidenote @Damon – I’m def. going to need you to share your speed dating experience. Thanks!

    • Damn at No. 5 … and I will share the speed dating experience … it’s already written. But I’m trying to do something with it first. I’ll explain over e-mail later.

  3. 1. I’ve never encountered anything horribly weird at a wedding.

    2.Since people always evolve and change I saw you cannot…ever.

    3. Cheating and lying.

    4. Four to six months.

    5. Let Him Fly-Jessica Simpson

  4. 1. No, but I’ve been to quite a few ghetto weddings that are borderline eligible to be posted on hotghettomess.com. A couple of examples, one wedding the groomsmen all had cains and as they walked the bridesmaids up the aisle they flipped the cain around when they arrived at the altar (similar to a Kappa) and then allowed the bridesmaid to walk to her spot. Most recently I was at a wedding where they were two stepping down the aisle. Next thing you know somebody might start doing the stanky leg up the aisle….smh

    2. After they pass a series of tests, of course these tests are not intentional but when they are passed you know it.

    3. Cheating

    4. Given that we live together and have no kids and have purchased a 48 pack, it lasts somewhere around 4-5 months.

    5. I Changed My Mind – Keyshia Cole

    • on No. 1, four words: Saint Louis stand up! lol.

      on 2, give me an example of a test? You always got games to play, JLBD …

      on 5, that’s a good one. Don’t listen to it ever anymore. But it’s a good track ….

      • Hey, back up off my city, man!!

      • Hey look we can go back and forth with the number one because I’ve seen some of KC’s finest do some things that gave me the side-eye….but, it’s all good because most people don’t believe I was born and raised in STL because I don’t have the stereotypical traits…lol

        On number 2…I really don’t have any good examples, if I use my current relationship I would say that I knew I could trust him when I told him we both needed to go get tested (just for protocol purposes) and he had no problem with it at all and we went together and showed each other our statuses. Besides that all I can say is his behavior has always given me a genuine vibe. So, with that said I’ll trust him till he proves me wrong….(hopefully that will be never 🙂 )

        On number 5, Mannnnnnn you don’t know how many times I listened to that track and cried after dealing with you-know-who. That song still gives me chills and it made me a bonafide fan of Keyshia Cole. I remember that was one of her underground tracks when she first came out and people didn’t start tripping off her till the single ‘I Just Want It to Be Over’ and I’m like ‘y’all late!’…lol

        • I’m glad you know what the stereotypical traits are … and there are plenty of you St. Louisians who don’t have them. And a lot of you went to Catholic school …

          There are some who didn’t, like AsYourEditor …

          on 2, let’s hope.

          on 5, yeah I caught the “Change My Mind” track early on some mixtape of K. West productions when every artist was on his/her knees trying to get a K.West beat. lol.

          It’s a great song. And I’m a fan of K. Cole’s because of how she’s tried to bring her fam together. Her music is cool (she has some good writers around her), she just needs to stop screaming sometimes.

  5. So one question about speed dating, any prospects????

    1. I have never seen a shut down wedding besides tv…. remember that episode of A Different World? And I don’t have anything weird either.

    2. When we are carrying on a long distance relationship and I know in my heart that I have nothing to worry about.

    3. Cheating

    4. hmmmm, maybe 3 or 4 months??

    5. Dear John- Musiq Soulchild

    • on your q&A: I was real, but didn’t necessarily take it seriously. I’d have a second convo with almost all of them, but mostly just to because five to seven minutes is not enough to find anything out about someone.

      1. I can’t find anyone who has seen some a wedding go awry.

      on 2, interesting answer … follow up for you: Do you believe in starting a relationship on a long distance basis? Why or why not?

      on 5, whoa … don’t know that song. Must be on the last album. I know the others too well.

      • “on your q&A: I was real, but didn’t necessarily take it seriously. I’d have a second convo with almost all of them, but mostly just to because five to seven minutes is not enough to find anything out about someone.”

        I feel you… did anyone ‘light your fire?’

        I did. Me and my current boyfriend meet on an online dating site. I would have never imagine something like that would happen, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It gets hard sometimes, but it’s not completely unbareable. We are about six hours away and right now, distance works. I work full time time and am a student and he is a grad student and works as well. If we were in the same city, we’d prolly both be failing classes. After we graduate, we will close the gamp.

        Yep, it’s his last album… U must check it out. Musiq is that fiyah!

        • It takes more than five minutes to “light my fire” lol … intrigue me? somewhat. again five minutes to figure someone out and vice versa is like trying to determine whether or not someone is healthy or has the Swine Flu just by the grip of her handshake. I need more time than that …

          on LD dating: Idk, best wishes to you with the new found love. … I’m not a fan of starting relationships that way because it’s tougher to learn who someone is that way, and keep up with the real them. I think it can be good though, too. Especially when you know each other. I think you can learn a lot when you’re forced to do nothing but talk …

          But like i said, I don’t really trust anyone, and especially if I can’t see you a few times a week. Not stalkerish, just real relationship talk.

          All that to say, we all know that LD relationships CAN work. You just have to find the right person, and I hope you have.

          And I have the Musiq album, just haven’t given it more than three spins yet. I’ll get to it, but i’m caught up in the Maxwell track and “Rumor Has It” by Jeezy and Pharrell … google it.

          • What you said was one of our things that I worry about… and I have voiced my concern to him about it. All the time, I wonder if we are “pixie dusting” and when, God willing, we are in the same city, we will end up hating eachother.

            BUT, while keeping that in mind, I do believe I’ve found my equal. He isn’t my first long distance, so I have a lil experience wit this. lol. The first??? DISASTER.

            And thank you for your well wishes!!!

            Hey, intriguing is a good thing. It’s like smelling a baking cake.

            I’m checking out both of those tracks (I love some Pharrell)… Musiq has this song called, ‘So Beautiful’ on the new one. U must hear it.

            F.Y.I: I’ve been there on the trust thing. I think that sometimes you just have to let go. Having that burden is heavy. Trust in God and follow your instincts!

            • Oh, I’ve listened to the Musiq album and had “so beautiful” pushed on me well before it hit the radio … Great, great song …

  6. 1. @jlbd…LOL at the stanky leg comment, that’d be TOO much.
    The only thing I’ve experienced is when my aunt and little cousins walked in late at my cousin’s wedding. It was at this old church that had wood floors and they were wearing heels. Just so happened they walked in right during the vows. Stopped the entire thing and EVERYONE was looking. Needless to say my cousin was heated.

    2. I know I trust someone when I can tell them about the things I have been through in my life.

    3. Cheating is a huge no-no.

    4. I agree with about 4 months.

    5. Not Gon’ Cry- Mary J

    • … the Stanky Legg is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

      on 2, do you open up first or do they? Do you feel he needs to open up for him to trust you?

      5. Interesting choice, especially considering where it comes from… It’s a Waiting to Exhale soundtrack song, right? And it concerns Angela Bassett’s character, who clearly has anger management issues (burning up clothes and cars … lol) …

      I’m joking, but is that a sign of what you might do if your No. 4 happens in a marriage? lol.

      • Normally I wait until the guy opens up first. Usually it makes me feel more comfortable. If he can trust me enough with whatever he may have gone through in his past [skeletons in the closet], then I can trust him.

        5. LOL… I didn’t even think of it being on Waiting to Exhale’s soundtrack. Angela’s character did have issues in that movie though. The song did help me through one of my break-ups though. Letting me know the guy wasn’t worth my tears [ironically he cheated lol]

        • at 5reply: hilarious. It happens to too many.

          on trust: This is why I try not to have a problem opening up with anybody. There’s a give-and-take catch … I know that if I give a little, I’ll be able to pull something out of them, and get them to open up/be real.

          It’s an interesting tactic to use in conversation. Almost always works. But for real, it’s called “be real.” lol.

  7. 1. I went to a ghetto wedding a few years ago where the guys had had their hair braided and had on white snakeskin shoes and the girls had on these tacky red dresses. Anyway, the church was in the hood and this homeless woman just came in and sat up at the alter. Then she started watering the fake plants and Pledging the lecturn.

    2. I’ll let you know when it happens.

    3. Lying.

    4. Depends on how many bathrooms you have. If you have two, then I’d say six months.

    5. My initial response was “Ex-Factor” by Lauryn Hill, but I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about “Tyrone” by Erykah Badu. I think they’re a tie.

    • @no 1: YIKES?

      “Tyrone” is murderous assault of a relationship. I wish Ne-Yo and Beyonce listened to it before they decided to write “Irreplaceable.” They would have put the pen down, and realized they could do no right.

      But they just kept stepping … to the left to the left. …. *barf*

      “Ex-Factor” is a great one. The bridge on that song still gets me with how real the words are.

      • I’m with you on “Tyrone.” That song cuts like a knife. She get’s him in the beginning with “I’m getting tired of yo’ [stuff]” and then tells he needs to call his boy, “But you can’t use my phone.” That song is a killer every time.

        My favorite line in “Ex-Factor” is “You let go, and I’ll let go, too.” That’s when you KNOW a relationship is no good, but you don’t know how to break it off.

        Good stuff, both of them.

        • Honestly, Ex-Factor is one of the best songs ever, it actually makes me cry to this day when I hear it because you can hear the sincerity in Lauryn’s voice. I heard she was singing that song to Wyclef. My favorite part is ‘no one loves you more than me and no one ever will….no one’s hurt me more than you and no one ever will…’

  8. It’s been a good week…

    1. Nothing remotely weird. Cutest thing was a friend of mine met his bride via eHarmony and they played “This will be” as they walked down the aisle. It was good for a laugh.

    2. If you can’t fully trust your spouse then you might have the wrong spouse. That said I hope you figure it out before you get hitched. I’m not sure when this happened for me. I think it’s more of building process than BAM I trust you now.

    3. Infidelity

    4. Man I sooo wish we’d get 4 months out of a pack of TP. Those were the days. lol

    5. Hit the Road Jack, Ray Charles

    • @no. 1: that’s pretty good. lol.

      on 2: I can definitely see what you’re talking about concerning it being a building process … that’s with everything, though right? You build trust in everything and everyone. It’s not just there. Kinda like you don’t start out a class with an A, you start with either an F or a C.

      4… She uses more doesn’t she? lol. Every woman I know uses way more toilet paper than her man, and depletes the stock. (that’s why I asked the question).

      5. Classic …lol

      • “4… She uses more doesn’t she? lol. Every woman I know uses way more toilet paper than her man, and depletes the stock. (that’s why I asked the question).”

        Dude, I have 2 girls at home with a 3rd on they way. I might have to get direct Charmin shipments of industrial sized rolls soon.

  9. thecomebackgirl

    “f you haven’t, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen happen at a wedding?”

    I kind of think this only happens with white folks..Ive noticed that at least pre-ceremony, pre preacher marrying folks, black folks seem pretty tame.

    “2. When do you know that you fully trust your spouse or significant other?”

    I think you get an inner calm and knowing..where NOTHING seems to bother you related to things that once set you off with someone else. Like a call at an inappropriate time or just unanswered questions..none of that comes up with someone you trust. its hard to explain really but i think its just a gut thing.

    3.4. How long should a package of 48 rolls of toilet paper last for a married couple with no kids?

    WTH??? idk..i use lots of paper on my own..I one of those people that needs to wrap around like 5 or 6 times..LOL so alone i go through quite a bit.

    “Best concept album Marvin Gaye’s “Here, My Dear.” ‘

    i think Here My Dear has got to be the best most detached song..when you’re ready to give up money to be left alone ..knowing the other person is in the button pushing business…its a wrap.

    • @comeback:

      on no. 1: you need to read these comments, crazy stuff happens at black weddings.

      On no. 2: I get where you’re coming from … good answer.

      no three?

      Four: SMH. Women. lol.

      Five: … You’re right about “Here, My Dear” … but it’s brilliant. You must admit. And that it didn’t sell well initially was a great thing because ole girl didn’t get that much dough up front. God works in mysterious ways, right?

      • thecomebackgirl

        re: 3

        “3. What is a marriage/relationship deal breaker for you? Just one.”

        I think i left it out on purpose..I was thinking and couldn’t really find anything..i hate speaking in absolutes..because those come back ALWAYS to make you look like a fool.

        I guess gay is high on the list.

  10. 1. Nope, I’ve never been to a wedding that was shut down. Weirdest thing? Hmm…I’d have to think about this one.

    2. When you trust the other person to make decisions that will directly impact you for you and you know they will make the very best decision possible with your best interest in mind. This is especially important in marriage because EVERYTHING the other person has an impact on you (and the family if there are children), whether directly or indirectly. And you definitely want to be able to trust the person that will have the sole decision making if it came down to it in medical situations. 🙂

    3.

    4. 4-6 months sounds about right.

    5. Good question. There are SO many good ones but the BEST? Hmm…Ex-Factor is classic but since it’s been listed, I like Roberta Flack’s Killing Me Softly and John Legend’s Used to Love You.

    ** Can’t wait to read about the speed dating experience & whether you rec’d good responses to your questions.

    I’ll have to check out Luvvie’s post. Her response to Wow was funny. 🙂

    • at No. 2, This is one of the main reasons why Letter No. 50 (My Crush) exists … When you find someone who pushes/nudges you to be the best you and knows how to do it from the proper perspective … it gets no better.

      … no 3 either? interesting.

      5 … Is “Killing Me Softly” a break up song? “Used to Love You” is a crazy track, especially the Bobby & Whitney line …

      ***just be patient. lol.

      And Luvvie is a straight clown. lol. She clowned him very succinctly whereas I had to write a thesis statement. lol.

  11. 3. Oops…I originally skipped this one planning to go back. I think physical or verbal abuse would be my one thing.

    • I wondered when someone was going to get to this one. It took a good minute. But it’s no. 1 on my list.

      • Yeah, I couldn’t imagine actually fearing the one person that is supposed to love and protect me. Nor could I imagine feeling bad about myself and having low self-esteem because the one person who is supposed to lift me up is constantly putting me down.

  12. It’s not really a break up song but I do think it is about someone else singing about & describing the exact same pain/feelings you’re going through…so, maybe it could be one? 🙂

    • @shawnta: I see what you’re saying about the song now. That song was written by a person in a dark, dark place…

      off the wall question: Have you seen “About A Boy?” … if so, do you remember the song from the movie? thoughts?

  13. I had trouble coming up with a break up song. I was on the phone with a friend while answering this and asked him and he said Ne-Yo’s, Go On, Girl.

    He struggled too for a minute and he’s a DJ. :-)Funny. I think he’s going to pose the question to his Twitter folks.

  14. @ Damon – I haven’t seen that. Worth checking out?

  15. An observation:
    The majority of the people have listed cheating as the one thing that would be a deal breaker (as I expected) and yet we all know of more than one person that has taken someone back after they cheated on them.

    • Noted observation:

      And like I explained why, I want everybody who just said “Cheating” to come back and explain why … please, peeps?

      thx, D

    • I’ve been cheated on before but I have to say I have never taken the person back. Part of that reason could have been due to the fact that the first person that cheated on me was living a double life and he was actually living with the other woman, so he was technically cheating on both of us but he met her long after him and I had been together so you be the judge. Long story but Damon knows what happened…The other person I knew they had other women but nothing was ever proven or in my face, just so happened this person didn’t really want me (so his actions said) so there was nothing to take back…

  16. @CBG – #3 is a good one and so is the response to the trust factor.

  17. I just remembered another really good break-up song: “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt.

  18. 1. i guess it is a STL thang, lol. i’ve never seen a wedding get shut down. BUT i have seen an uncle of the bride, sitting in the church pews, get up and take the mic out of the soloist’s hands because he wasn’t singing Kenny Lattimore’s “You” well enough for his liking. that was interesting. i’ve also seen plenty of weddings that stopped, then started again because of family members or even the couple arguing. 🙂 gotta love the Lou.

    2. hard question. i think there’s just one moment that verifies that it’s time to fully trust that person. i think when a person is completely uninhibited, spiritually and otherwise with you (and if you’re intuitive, that moment is pretty easy to recognize), i think it’s easier to trust their motives/actions/judgments in the relationship.

    3. i’ll go with the no. 1 family feud answer of infidelity. or if i find out the man can’t clap on beat or sings completely off key.

    i’m serious.

    4. seven months. why do you ask??

    5. the three of these aren’t blatant breakup songs, but i’d say– “lately” by stevie, “ain’t no way” by aretha, and “whenever you’re around” by ms. jill scott.

    • “take the mic out of the soloist’s hands because he wasn’t singing Kenny Lattimore’s “You” well enough for his liking.”

      @meka: That would have made my year…

      3. I like the Family Feud reference. good stuff. And not clapping on beat and singing off key are things you’ll know long before you get to deal breaker potential, I hope. lol.

      4. It’s an ongoing war with a friend concerning how long it take for a man or woman to use a 48-pack of toilet paper. Frivolous thoughts, I know. But you know how my mind works.

      5. “Lately” is a sad, sad track … and I’ve never listened to the Jill track and heard “break up” or sadness. I need to listen to the words for real, I guess. I normally just vibe out to it.

  19. 1. Been to a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle chewing gum and I was pretty sure the groom was gay. This turned out to be true.
    2. I’ve been with Intrepidblackwoman for 11 years and there was no one thing that led me to trust her completely. Just realized it when I gave her the password to my email account.
    3. No relationship deal breaker for me, I think comeback girl is right, absolutes make life more difficult.
    4. Dunno. my son is 15 and NOTHING lasts with him around.
    5. Sade, “War of the hearts’

    • @intrepidblackman: Welcome, sir.

      Your No. 1 is worse than being left at the altar in so many ways. SMH. But it’s funny as hell.

      Your No. 2: Gave her the password to your e-mail account? wow. Idk. I guess you don’t have anything to hide, and you shouldn’t. Make sense on some levels. … then again, IDK.

      3. The Comeback Girl is right about a lot of stuff … We say that cheating is a deal breaker, but need to be in that situation to see how we handle it. … I for one hope that I never have to go there with my woman/wife. … but if I do, I think I’d be playing Lil Flip’s “Game Over” or going Taye Diggs in “Brown Sugar” on my wife …

      4. Dag, your 15-year-old son rids you of all the toilet paper, a five-course meal and all the OJ in the fridge (accept that little bit he puts back that pisses you off) in two days, huh?

      5. need to listen to that, never heard it. And I grew up on Sade as a kid.

  20. 1. Nope. I haven’t been to a wedding since I was in one at the ripe ol’ age of 14 and since I’m Nigerian, all the weddings I’ve been to have really been people who are already married making it legit in America.

    2. I don’t know. Is it sad to say that I don’t think I’ve ever fully trusted someone I’ve dated? I completely understand the weakness of the flesh.

    3. Well marriage, I don’t have one. I think that marriages=work so you’re going to have to do a lot to make it work. With a relationship, incompatibility. If we can never seem to get “right” then you need to get gone.

    4. I’m not even going to lie to you … I didn’t know that women used so much toilette paper until I had my girls spend the weekend at my apt in college (I’m a girl — for clarification purposes). I went through a 12 pack in three days. I ended up yelling “DO YOU GUYS EAT TOILET PAPER” like I was my moms. I still say at least 2 weeks if not longer. Guys don’t use that much I assume …

    5. HA! No, best breakup song ever, You Made A Fool of Me, by M’Shell Ndgeeaklasnaguion (I can’t spell her last name). I wrote a whole blog dedicated to break up songs and at least 4 of them would stomp Pretty Wings to def. http://blaquedawl.blogspot.com/2009/04/young-sad-and-blue.html

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