On Cinco De Mayo (May 5th), I finally came to a realization concerning something I should have noticed long ago: Americans will make up any excuse to blame it on the alcohol.
Wife cheating? Take two shots of Patrón, go to the club and find some new booty. Ashanti mumbles the word “baby?” in a song? Vegas bombs around the bar. Watching Half-Baked? Take a drink every time any synonym of marijuana is mentioned.
I also realized that Americans drink more alcohol on holidays, a time where it seems it should have little place. Isn’t there supposed to be something “holy” about some of these days?
We’re going to run through some of the major ones, and reasons why you drink or things that you’d drink on these special occassions. Feel free to add reasons to blame it on the alcohol on these holidays — or others we leave out — in the comments.
New Year’s Eve: Drink because you want to forget the previous year in its entirety, and because you know you’re gonna give up on your resolutions before January’s end.
Martin Luther King Day: Pour out a little liquor for the righteous homey who is dead and gone. But only a little because you must drink the rest of the bottle.
Valentine’s Day: You’re either drinking because your depressed by your lonesome or at some Italian restaurant with the love of your life, and a Cab(ernet) and a cab are a must.
President’s Day: If you lived in America from January 2000 to January 2008 you have plenty of reason to drink on this day. Enough said.
St. Patrick’s Day: Because it’s the only day you’ll ever desire to drink green beer. And who can pass up green beer? Even if you’re not Irish and you’d point to Africa if someone asked you where Dublin was on a map.
Easter: I can’t even joke about this. The story and meaning behind is too good to find a reason to drink.
Cinco De Mayo: Because Americans think they need to celebrate the fact that they weren’t born in Mexico. Seriously, why are non-Mexican Americans celebrating this day? Because Patron and Jose Quervo offer IVs on the low low? No.
Memorial Day: Must pour out a little more liquor for the real homeys who are dead and gone. But only a little. You must drink the rest of the bottle.
Independence Day: Because you want to be incoherent when that bottle rocket blasts your arm and in honor of the wondrous freedom of speech you have because of Ben Frank, Thomas Jeff, Geo Wash and Co. Also because of the ignorance that same freedom of speech allows some clowns to spew out daily.
Labor Day: Because you don’t have to work. Period.
Halloween: Do you see how foolish some grown people dress on this day? In order to laugh you must be drunk enough to blow over the legal limit or else you will have nightmares.
Thanksgiving: It’s the one day you could down 10 Jaeger bombs and 5 shots of Patron and still be just “tipsy” because of all of the food you’ve consumed.
Christmas: Because Jesus turned water into wine. Because you didn’t get what you wanted from your ‘rents, your significant other. Because you just broke your bank account for the next month to give some kids gifts from a fictitious man for whom they will hate you for a week when the find out he’s not real. (In case some kid stumbles upon this, don’t say his name.)
So what are some other excuses for partaking in Holiday spirits?