Ed’s note: I’m thinking of reading/reciting this next week at an open mic. Some of you have seen it on Facebook already. But I’m curious to see what others think.
Let’s conversate for second. Just you and I, no big group of people to embarrass you with what I’m about to say.
So here goes. The second set of letters at the beginning of this monologue isn’t really a word. Shocking, huh?
I know you’ve been using it since you began believing you were smarter than the average bear. But even Yogi Bear warned Boo Boo about the dangers of mistakenly replacing converse with conversate. He told him it was sorta like starting a forest fire or forgetting his picnic basket.
OK, that’s not true. But Mama Bear sternly warned me long ago. She told me that I’d come across as a babbling fool if I ever said that non-word in public. She told me I would be embarrassing her.
So I’ve tried to keep that non-word out of my mouth since about 1994. I mean, who would want to upset Mama Bear? Not me.
I’ll admit it, I’ve done it before. See, I once pronounced the word extraordinary as “extra-ordinary” in front a room full of people, including my mother. Trust, she didn’t have kind words for me when next we conversed.
I told her I couldn’t understand why some fool would stick two perfectly fine words next to each other and change the pronunciation. I’d smack that person now if I could.
Taking that into consideration, I’ve posited why you say “conversate.” You break down the word conversation logically thinking “conversate” should be the root word. Makes sense. But it’s extra-ordinarily wrong.
Irregardless of this fact, I sympathize with you. You should want to smack the person who thought “converse” sounded more educated. Don’t do it, though. Refusal to heed my advice might lead to you conversing with your new roommate at your local county jail. Don’t be shocked or get upset if he or she asks you to “conversate” from time to time.
Look at it this way: At least you’ll be able to teach a not-so-extraordinary lesson or two. Again, the word is converse. You know, like the shoes Dwyane Wade wears while hooping. OK, maybe not. Those are called Con-verse, not “converse.”
Anyway, I’ll mute my monologue here, so you can tell me what you’re thinking. See, I can’t tell you how many idiots it takes to conversate while screwing in a light bulb. But I know it takes at least two people to converse.
I blame Biggie Smalls because of this lyric: “Conversate for a few, cause in a few we gon’ do what we came to do/ain’t that right boo? ‘True.'”
And yes, I know irregardless is not a word.