VII. Pedestal Patty(s)

Note: If you read this and think it’s speaking to you, it is. If it isn’t, then I suspect you’ll  be nodding your head in agreement.

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Dear Perched Prima Donnas,

I have a bone to pick break. In my mind, this bone is about the size of Italy’s tibia. If you don’t get that, just know that it’s a bone no dog is burying anytime soon.

I’ve had several conversations in past weeks about relationships (go figure). But more specifically about your kind, the woman who can’t find the upright man.

Hopefully, what follows will hammer you upside your head so hard that you’ll find yourself in front of a mirror nursing the knot that I plan on leaving. While you’re there, maybe you’ll conduct some introspection as well and see that you don’t need all that damn make-up. So if you’re up on a pedestal of any kind, you might want to come down now. I’m about to go Paul Bunyan on your perch with an ax named humility. …

The only woman in America who deserves to be on a pedestal 24/7 ... and she's not even American.

The only woman in America who deserves to be on a pedestal 24/7 ... and she's not even American.

You are single for a reason, and it ain’t because you want to be. It ain’t because there aren’t any good men or that they’re all taken. It ain’t because you’re smarter than every guy you date. You’re not. And it ain’t because you can quote Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I A Woman” verbatim.

Look at the company you keep, and you’ll see yourself. It’s cliche, but true. To understand this, you must choose a road less traveled of introspection, especially if your kept company blots your life story with major flaws and sprinkles of stupidity.

You want to know why [fecal matter] keeps falling on you like Biff from “Back To The Future?” Go look inside — and take cover. People can’t urinate on you unless you allow them to do so. Ask Robert Kelly or his cousin Avant. Even 8-year-old Riley Freeman knew this. Remember what he said: “When I see pee, I move.”

That said, you can’t continually say that there are no good men if you only surround yourself with material fit for a toilet bowl. Good men exist — they just don’t hang around toilets.

I’m not saying you should lower your standards. Just make sure they are reasonable. Try this: Date someone of equal yoke. Remember, yoke yolk is deep within the egg’s flimsy shell.

Most of the guys you date see through that thin exterior — as do you. They see you on your pedestal. So instead of courting you, they chase you because they know that you’re not what they truly desire/need (~ Rob Weave). Trust me, Beyonce had it wrong: If he liked it, he woulda put a ring on it by now.

The catch is that you do several things wrong, and Mr. Right Guy(s) is side-eyeing you like you took the his big piece of chicken… Here’s why:

  • You choose the wrong guys to date, believing you can mold the guy you want into the man you need. You’re actually crazy enough to think that the fella who treats you like [manure] because he has the upper hand is more appealing than the pseudo-Yes man. SMH;
  • You’re too damn full of yourself/ignorant to see that you have a crap-ton of self-repair to do before anyone should seriously date you. If you don’t have a clue as to who you are, how are you supposed to give that to someone else? …;
  • You don’t give of yourself to a point where the right man actually feels secure enough to open up to you. He will. But if you spend the entire first date judging whether or not he deserves seconds, are you really showing him who you are? That’s right. You’re a skilled multi-tasker…;
  • You’re picky. You think perfection is feasible. It’s not. Look no further than yourself. Stop shutting good people out because of minor annoyances. Guess what? You’re annoying, too;
  • You waste the time and money of guys whom you have no sincere interest in dating. Why waste your and his time allowing him to trick off his paycheck on you when he has no hope? That’s stupid — and how you end up on your nightly news.
  • All of the above.
This is Peppermint Patty, and from her thought cloud, it clear she ain't on a pedestal.

This is Peppermint Patty, and from her thought cloud, it's clear she ain't on a pedestal.

If you can find yourself in the bullet points above, you’re a trainwreck waiting to happen.

Face it, you’re just as flawed as any man you choose to date or look down upon. You’re no better than the 29-year-old guy with 21 kids and a minimum-wage gig. Yes, you’d be a fool to date/sleep with him, but you’re not better than him. To think/verbalize that you are, shows just how hollow you are. Gents see it — your shady hollowness. Again, that’s when men decide to chase, not court.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of dumb, unexplainable stuff that guys do while in pursuit. But if a guy shows you too much negativity or doesn’t tickle your fancy, why are you still humoring him with your time?

That was rhetorical. This is the truth: If you’re used to dealing with average dudes, maybe you need to admit that you’re an average chick. Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m definitely an average dude with mad flaws. And remember, we’re in Italy today, realizing that we’re nothing more than Romans who need to turn our swords away from other people.

In other words, get off your high horse. The steep fall off of your 24-inch stilletos platform causes more self-inflicted hurt than any man could ever do you. Stop thinking you’re too good for people. Be who you are. Stop wearing that make-up mask all the time.

Finally, be humble. Humility is infectious, and the desires of your heart will come to pass if you just see yourself for who you are, flaws and all (a decent Beyonce song). Realize that your perch de-womanizes you. Trust me, no man wants a perched Venutican. He wants a Roman who accepts her shortcomings and is willing to walk with crowds and still not lose her virtue.

Fear little… You should know the rest by now.

***still chopping at your perch***

Humbly,

Damon

P.S. On self-reflection: When someone tells you that you need to do some introspection, the result of your reflection shouldn’t be that you need to upgrade from an economy class car to an SUV. Try again.

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146 responses to “VII. Pedestal Patty(s)

  1. Sorry for the length. Y’all know how I can get. … and thanks to Monica for coming up with the name “Pedestal Patty.”

  2. I just hope that the women this applies to are able to look inside and see it and then make the appropriate changes. I’ve been that woman and I’m happy that I no longer am. I wasted too much time and energy on men that weren’t worth it because I hadn’t discovered/accepted what I was truly worth. Once I evaluated myself then I was able to find someone that was right for me. And he was a lot different (in a good way) from those I’d previously dealt with.

    • @tam: This letter comes from so many encounters, incidents & conversations over the course of my life that I’m not sure if it’s possible.

      But if I can help just one Pedestal Patty … *smh*

      No. All of us find ourselves on different perches at different points. I certainly perch myself up at different points. But hearing the “there are no good men” line irks me to no end.

      It’s a farce, likely like the Patty spitting out the line. *steps off soapbox*

  3. *starts slow clap…rises to feet…raises right hand and says Amen!*

  4. Dame – once again, this letter is on point. We also gotta be aware as men that we can sometimes fall victim to the picky tricks too. I had a homeboy tell me once that he’d only date light-skinned women over 5’8 because he wanted a basketball team with “good hair”.

    Stupidity surrounds us all.

    • @mrsmartguy: I know that I’ve been guilty of having a few Pedestal Pete (~Sista Toldja) symptoms, too.

      But this …

      “I had a homeboy tell me once that he’d only date light-skinned women over 5′8 because he wanted a basketball team with “good hair” ” …

      … is utter dumbness. It makes no sense whatsoever. There are plenty of 5’8 “light-skinned” women with “bad hair.” smh.

  5. I know females that say there aren’t any good men, but dare I say that is a statement of girls and not women?

    I know we all have our moments where we have gone through rocky relationships, but it isn’t the blame of all men (or women for that matter). But you’re right, it’s all about the company you keep.

  6. if they don’t change, these girls are destined to be perpetually single.

    I think sometimes women make these strict lists on what a potential partner should be but never evaluate themselves to see if they fit their own criteria.

    • @garcelle

      That is a perfect point. I am a true believer that you cannot expect that which you can not or do not intend to give.

      • And now a slow clap for Monica.

        So you want a man with good credit, a good job, nice car, nice house and no kids when you are the ANTITHESIS of all these things? Ma’am, that makes no daggone sense.

        You get what you give, ALL DAY LONG.

    • @garcelle: I think it’s about searching yourself, and figureing out what’s wrong with you. Most often, that’s where the problem is before you start pointing fingers.

  7. DAYUM! LOL but I agree with most of this. I hear women all the time talk about how intimidated men are because they are independant, etc etc…thats rarely ever the case the equal yoked thing is good. How can you hold someone else to a standard you cant even meet? and if you meet him why does he want you and not someone on his level?

  8. I agree Damon. There are too many people out here with requirements that they can even meet themselves. I’m all about evaluating myself on a consistant basis and fixing things accordingly. The phrase ‘there are no good men’ tears my nerves up. Even when I’m completely dis spirited by men…I can never get with that statement b/c it’s simply not true. I simply have to look at the men in my family to disproove that theory.

    Anywho…hopefully this resonates. Great job.

    • @jada: I wondered what you’d think. I’ve gotten some mixed response from some people who don’t know any women like this.

      But they are all around. They just don’t think they fit this role. smh.

  9. It’s funny that Monica is using the church references because I felt like catching the holy ghost after I read this. And, ironically a song by Avant was playing on CBS Radio as I read this (interesting)….but yes, I was once this woman to a degree. Damon, you should have listed women that have no father figures or poor father figures and seek out that nurturing from men that aren’t worthy and then don’t understand why they’re left with nothing and trying to figure out what just happened. I think I had to take a long look in the mirror and figure out why I hadn’t loved the image as much as I should have.

    To be frank, there are plenty of women out there like what you mentioned in the letter and I’ll be blunt: Ladies, just because you are a spiritually grounded, strong, highly educated, beautiful on the inside and out, dignified good catch does not mean that you are better than everyone and that every man you meet should have to work magic tricks for you. He should have to earn your high praises but he shouldn’t have to re-inact David Copperfield’s greatest just to get your attention. Once this is realized, all your man worries will nicely go away…. 🙂

    • “Damon, you should have listed women that have no father figures or poor father figures and seek out that nurturing from men that aren’t worthy and then don’t understand why they’re left with nothing and trying to figure out what just happened.”

      @jlbd: Great point, and Monica and I actually talked about this issue last night. Parental abandonment is real. Ask any therapist or psychologist. I’ve lived it to a degree.

      And most people in single parent home or homes of neglect, do.

      But mentioning that in this letter would have been like having Phat Bastard sit on Mini-Me. It’s already strong enough. If I wrote something like that, it’d likely be about myself (hint, I have), and hopefully people would be able to see themselves in it.

      And yeah, your second graph was on point.

    • @jlbd: Good points in your last paragraph. I agree. It’s concerning when someone not only thinks but truly believes he or she is better than someone else. Some men and women truly believe they are God’s gift to the opposite sex. It always begs the question “who are you?” 🙂

  10. Commander Bond aka Humble One

    Good post Damon. I know a few women that need to hear this. Sad thing is that when you tell them they won’t look at themselves critically. Their thinking is that “it can’t be me” there is nothing wrong with me. They never realize they are the constant in everything.

    • @humble: That’s what the P.S. is about. smh. It’s sad when people don’t actually know what it means to look at themselves critically.

      That PS really happened in conversation about two weeks ago, and made me have to turn a critical eye to someone close to me, and call her out.

      • Commander Bond aka Humble One

        I’ve looked at myself critically and realized that I had to get over myself. I don’t know why it’s so hard for some women and men to do that. What happens is that you end up getting old and looking pathetic.

        • @humble: Trust, I know the pathetic look. Getting older, too. And introspection should be my middle name at this point.

          I just think people think it’s easier to push their issues off as problems other people have caused rather than accept fault for the stuff that happens to them.

          I promise you, I beat myself up all the time for the dumb situations I get into. And Lord knows I’m good at blaming other people for stuff. But I also try to blame myself.

          I guess it’s because I have good friends who don’t pat me on the back. The criticize me when people offend/cross me.

  11. I do want to add though that while this post is true.. it also goes both ways. There are a lot of men who have gotten a lil money, a lil education and jumped they a$$ up on that podium as well. …..

  12. Great post. I read it last night but didn’t have time to comment.

    A few things (okay, quite a few):

    1. I really like the quote you used at the beginning.

    2. I think that this “Pedestal Patty” complex/syndrome/sickness (whatever you want to call it) begins very early in the lives of women. Parents/family teach us at a very early age that no one will ever be good enough for us. After hearing this over & over from childhood to adulthood, I think some women take this to heart & take it to the extreme.

    3. I think it is “brave” of you to write & post this because women don’t always receive these things well when a man tries to tell them why they don’t have or can’t keep a man. I know this stems from your observations, conversations & maybe even experiences, so it’s good that you’re writing from that perspective because you’re going from what you know and no one can accuse you of not knowing what you’re talking about. You have a receptive audience here and the feedback is great.

    4. I think some women can hear this from men they’re dating or considering dating and actually reflect on it while other women see it as men trying to use reverse psychology or something and force the women to give the men a chance.

    5. Several commenters brought up a good point – women should not expect or demand anything from a man that they’re not willing to offer to him.

    6. Of course, some women are so choosy because they sincerely believe they are inspiring & encouraging men to be better & do better but this can’t be done by tearing men down. I hate when I hear women say (especially around other races) “there are no good, black men” or “all the good ones are locked up, gay or married”…I think this does an extreme disservice to our race and our men. It makes me think of a saying my grandma and older people used to say when I was younger (usually when I couldn’t find something I was looking for) “You can’t see it for looking.” I think that sometimes women can’t see a good man for what he is when he’s in front of her because she’s too busy looking.

    7. I also think that some women truly fear giving someone they don’t think is quite on their level or their equal a chance because they don’t want to be unavailable and miss out if/when someone better comes along…a dangerous way to think because they can always find something to convince themselves that someone BETTER is still out there just waiting to be found or waiting for that chance encounter.

    Okay…enough for now. 🙂

    • @shawnta: Your perspective/insight is uncanny and on point.

      I think you’re in my head, actually. Get out.

      to your third point: I think I asked three or four women to read this before I posted it for opinions. All of them said it was strong. I just felt like hopefully I’d built up enough credit with y’all that it would go over OK.

      If not, at least y’all could still read Monica. lol.

      But yeah, it’s definitely not about reverse psych … It’s about trying to get people to see the stupid ish they do. Period. That’s what TMCY is about period. But you already know this. This is just one of the things that irks me to no end.

      • @damon: That’s cool that you let a few ladies read through it first and offer their opinions. Although some women don’t like to hear this from men, sometimes it’s best to hear it from a man because it gives a different perspective. I do believe that there are a some “Pedestal Pattys” who are genuinely clueless and have no idea the types of vibes they’re putting out and how men read those vibes so hearing it directly from a man (especially one they know) opens their eyes to it.

    • Shawnta’

      You make a good point and the phrase ‘looking for’ is something that women should just STOP doing. I don’t know what your faith is, but the bible speaks on how a man finds his wife. That means that the woman should just sit pretty and wait. PERIOD. I know this sounds virtually impossible but a man that is worthy of your time and affection will have already made his mind up about what he wants and he will go out looking for it…not the other way around…

      But, while women sit pretty and wait, they also need to do work on themselves in the meantime and prepare themselves to be wife material. You can’t wait for a man to come along and then when he does decide that you still want to strut around with that independent woman attitude…it’s a two-way street…

      • @jlbd: IDK. See, I slightly disagree. I don’t think a woman should be looking. But waiting pretty is a bit much.

        “Waiting pretty” is on the pedestal in my book. No, mingle amongst the common folk, and know how to deflect the stupidity some people bring at you. You’ll happen upon what you need.

        Not that you’ll be seeking for it, but it will just happen. But that doesn’t happen on a pedestal. Ever. Some guys will look at you and keep walking. Others will try to chop you down by getting in your pants. Sad, but true.

        • Damon,

          ‘Waiting Pretty’ is a figure of speech. It means, live your life, have fun, be successful, but don’t have that ‘desperate chick in the club every weekend on a mission to find me a good man swag’ going on. While you are enjoying your life and making yourself better, Mr. Right will come along. I met my fiance’ after going to a Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Zab Judah fight party. I was mingling with the masses but I wasn’t on the lookout for my next conquest either….get it?

      • @jlbd: I agree. It’s a preparation phase that occurs simultaneously for the man and the woman. The woman is preparing herself to recognize and receive the right man for her, the man that God sends her while the man is preparing himself to have something to offer a woman and preparing himself for the courting…I’m old fashioned when it comes to courting and dating. 🙂

        • @Shawnta’

          Exactly. Too many times women will get with men and the one that is the arsehole and has communicated either directly or indirectly that he has no desire for anything long term; she will do everything in her power to try and make him the one….it doesn’t work like that. When a man decides to marry is when he will marry, not when the woman bribes him into it. And if a woman is successful with the bribery, the marriage will be a disaster.

          True story: I have a close girlfriend that dated a guy casually for a few years. This guy was up front and honest about his other lady friends and about his desire to not have a girlfriend. She was madly in love with him and after much heartache and pain she decided to move on. Ironically around that same time he decided that he wanted to be married and have a wife to care for. He had loved her already so he pleaded with her to come back to him and to be his one and only girlfriend. He courted her, then proposed to, then married her, and just recently they had their first child. They’ve been happily married for four years. I say all that to make the point that a man decides when he is ready for marriage and that’s why we need to be ladies in waiting for the one that God sends to us.

          • @jlbd: Thanks for sharing. Interesting story. I’ve heard other “Right Love, Wrong Time” (does anyone remember that song?) stories from other people. I definitely think that if you want it to be right (the right time, the right person, be in the right place to recognize & receive), you can’t rush it or go at it prematurely.

  13. I “tried to date” a Pedestal Patty for the longest time. She knew I was a good guy, but I didn’t fit one or two things that she was looking to check off on her list. When I finally had had enough I tore her down (much like this letter) with as much tenderness I could muster. I felt better and she agreed with me while crying a bit. Gave her one last kiss and left that there. Fast forward 17 years and I’m happily married and she’s still looking for the man that she can check off all the boxes on her list. A darn shame really.

  14. Commander Bond aka Humble One

    I think this also stems from being spoiled or not being held accountable for your actions. Even if a father is present he may be providing but not raising a stand-up person.

    • @humble: This surely plays into it as well. As does being sheltered, and being forced to experience most of the what the world is after that 18th birthday on your own …

  15. @jlbd: Good figure of speech.

  16. I was just thinking that if there can be an upside to “Pedestal Patty” (I try to find an upside in everything) it would be that at least rather than wasting his time and money, she turns her nose up and he can keep on moving. Also, if she is rejecting him, she’s not trying to change him which I think can be just as detrimental. I commented about this on Single Sisters Speak last week and said that when people try to change people to be their ideal person, it reminds me of “Don’t Make Me Over” by Sybil (an old school fave). So, in saying all this, I guess I’m saying that it’s better she’s rejecting him than trying to make him over to fit the ideal/standard she has in her mind. Hope that makes sense.

    • @shawnta: I know you noticed it, but I mentioned that there are several kinds of Pedestals Pattys.

      I think there are upsides to most of them save your Gold Diggers. There are those who reject from their pedestal and say no not for me, but where are the good men … and they’re rejecting good men daily. … (here’s where I can see your positive, somewhat)

      Then there are those who are dumb enough to date men they will never seriously consider. They’re just doing it to do something. … there’s no positive here whatsoever.

      • @damon: I did notice that & it’s very true…all different kinds of Pedestal Pattys.

        Do you know what is even worse (or at least equally as bad)? Men who place themselves on pedestals and think they are God’s gift to women. Some of them are mama’s boys and taught from an early age (similar to that of Pedestal Pattys) that no woman will ever be good enough & no woman will love them, cook for them, do for them like their mothers do. You should do a letter on them with some input from the ladies.

        • @shawnta: Pedestal Pete is in the works. I’ve got a specific outsider that I want to take a shot at him. Namely, the person who came up with the name Pedestal Pete … Sister Toldja. lol.

          If she wants it, she gets first dibs.

          • @damon: Cool. I read her stuff sometimes & she’s good. “Pedestal Pete”…funny.

          • I’ve dated a couple of Pedestal Pete’s and they are just as annoying as the Pattys. Trust me…

            • @jlbd: just as a comeback to your earlier comment,

              I can think of those “Pedestal Petes,” too. lol. It’s crazy when you put it in perspective, but they definitely exist.

              • You need to incorporate the fact that most of the time Pedestal Pete’s are momma’s boys. There’s nothing wrong with being close to your mother and having a healthy relationship with her but most Pedestal Pete’s I know have been crowned king by their momma and it carries over into ALL their relationships…

  17. “Ya got that right!!”

    1. I love Riley!!
    2. “Flaws and All” is one of Bey’s best!
    3. I hope that the poor unfortunate souls that continue to surround themselves with such riff raff will have a chance to experience this, and in the words of MJ, “…take a look in the mirror, and make that CHANGE!!”

    • @Mal & @damon: “Flaws & All” is a great song.

      • @mal@shawnta: notice how I didn’t link it. I really don’t like Beyonce that much. Still upset over the first DC break-up.

        I was in love with LeToya then. smh.

        • @damon: I saw the original DC in concert. They were part of the opening act line up for Boyz II Men. The other opening acts were Uncle Sam (Sam Salters, I think it is) & Next…such a long time ago. Wow.

    • Re: “Ya got that right!!”

      LOLLLLLLLLLLLL and L.

  18. While all those suggestions may hold truth for some: I truly believe that a woman has to be at peace with herself FIRST before she embarks on the journey to find “that one.” Did I miss that?

  19. I would also venture to say that a lot of women who think they are good catches…actually aren’t.

    They think that because they look great on PAPER (i.e. educated, great resume, financially independent, etc.), that it means they’re relationship material. FALSE. If a chick has issues that she hasn’t worked through, is intolerable to be around, selfish, narcissistic, bossy, etc., none of that will show up on a resume. But it can certainly prevent a woman from getting and keeping a man.

    Great letter, Damon!

    • @Senorita: Very true. A person can only hide his or her true self for so long…it all comes out eventually.

    • @theseniorita: I’m more than happy that you could grace us with your presence so that you can approve of me “killing a hoe” or two.

      I’m only trying to learn from you, the best. And yeah, you need to go ahead and purchase babyhurr.com … like for real. lol.

  20. @Damon – I’m certain when the other two run out of funds or stuff to do….and after B drops a few children…there will be a DC reunion.

  21. This letter is on point! I had a personal experience with a “Pedestal Patty” a few years ago. When I met this girl, I was interested in her, but noticed that the caliber of guys she would talk to was subpar. Being that we had mutual friends, I would always hear her complain about not being able to find a good man. So when I expressed interest in her, I made it a point to be the best man that I can be to her. She even told me that she was a “sucker for nice guys” (go figure) and that’s what put me over the top. After about a year of dating, she called things off because she said I was too good for her. What I had to learn from the situation was that even though telling someone that they are “too good” for you is as back handed as compliments can possibly get, I had to let her go because she had issues that were too severe to deal with (to paraphriase a quote from my older brother). I would like to send her a link to this letter, but I don’t think we’re cool like that anymore and I don’t want to risk seeming like an a-hole.

    On second thought, maybe I should. She would probably like me better for it. 😀

    -RVS

    • @RVS: Yeah, I’m curious to see how sending this plays out.

      I’ve had several convos in recent weeks that led to me writing this. There are several different pedestals within this, and the one you speak of is one of the worst … mostly because you can see the good, she can see the good … but she won’t acknowledge what’s really wrong with her, and instead points the fingers at the negative people.

    • @RVS, I don’t think that’s a backhanded compliment at all.

      When somebody tells you that you are too good for them, BELIEVE THEM AND PEACE OUT. They clearly are accustomed to fuckery and mediocrity in their lives and that aint got shit to do with you. Don’t stick around trying to convince them otherwise. They are showing you who they are. Accept what they say and bounce.

      And apparently you did! HIGH FIVE!

      • co-sign … Any time some fool actually says “It’s not you, it’s me,” there’s a 100 percent chance they he/she is telling the truth.

        He/She just doesn’t know that truth. lol. This totally contradicts something else I wrote. But I think that you can figure out what you did wrong and what that person did wrong without them saying so.

        Anyway, any person who uses that line has issues that I can’t even begin to explain (because i don’t know them, mostly). That’s a copout.

    • Ha. I had a GF that broke it off with me like this…”You’re too nice.” WTH? You want me to slap you around a lil bit?

      • @Travis:

        girl’s response:
        “Why yes, would you please rough me up a bit? Call me a whore. Throw me in front of a bus. Cheat on me …”

        *man side-eyes woman while feverishly running out the front door never to return* … lol.

  22. “{After about a year of dating, she called things off because she said I was too good for her. ”

    @ rsv – that chick was beyond stupid. since when was someone being “too good” grounds for break-up. that’s just as dumb as dumb can get. but like senorita said, no use trying to convince someone like that otherwise.

  23. You already have my thoughts on this. Just wanted to say the commentary was worth the read.

    • @ash: I just wish there was more dissent in the commentary. Because I know it’s out there. I’ve got some on twitter. *shrugs*

      • @damon: What was the dissent on Twitter? Were women arguing that they have a right to be Pedestal Pattys?

        • @shawnta: just claiming that they didn’t know any Pattys and that they’d love to meet some of the people I’m talking about.

          IDK. Everybody knows stuck-up people. *shrugs*

          • Funny…the first thought that came to mind when I read your comment about them not knowing a Pedestal Patty is that maybe they are one…but since I don’t know them, I can’t & won’t go there. You know along the same lines of if you can’t identify the weakest link in any corporate/team setting, you’re it.

            • @shawnta: You know, I thought the same thing, but refuse to judge someone like that. Especially via a social network. lol.

              But … yeah.

              • @damon: I hear you. It’s hard to call, especially from a social network where you may or may not actually know the people you’re communicating with.

      • The only people who would disagree with this letter are broads who fit one of your four descriptions. LOL! I would be on Twitter like “U MAD?”

        I’m not saying anyone is perfect, certainly not me. But fuckery (excuse my English, Damon) is a spectrum. And some people are closer to the far end of the fuckery spectrum than others. Let’s keep it real.

        If they don’t want to engage in the self-introspection necessary to overcome their problems, that’s on them. In case they didn’t know, we have a Black President now. And how is that relevant? Because people’s tolerance for excuses is getting lower and lower every single day. Personally, I’ve learned to weed out people whose problems are everybody else’s fault. Everybody comes from different places, but the onus is on the individual to deal with their issues/problems.

        Their being in a horrible, dysfunctional marriage or relationship OR dying alone with their 37 cats won’t affect anyone else but them.

        • @theseniorita: I said that in the note atop the letter. lol.

          And I started to edit one of your fav words. But then i was just like, “Let the Seniorita be herself.” lol.

          And this …

          “Their being in a horrible, dysfunctional marriage or relationship OR dying alone with their 37 cats won’t affect anyone else but them.”

          … is the damn truth.

        • @Senorita: I thought the same thing about the dissenters.

  24. natural nubian

    wowzers! 60+ comments and here’s my 2 cents in the collection plate:

    my pastor dropped some knowledge about singlehood a while ago saying one doesn’t have to pursue what one attracts.
    i was one of those women many men defined as “perfect on paper” and i constantly declared how men are ‘intimidated by me’ so it’s great reading this from a man’s POV. also, great point about chasing vs courting….feel free to elaborate.

    • @nn: just go back to the post and click the link to Rob’s post. He broke it down so that it could “forever and consistently be broke” if you know what I mean. lol.

  25. jlbd got my mind running…

    Daddy issues, people. Daddy issues.

    At some point, I’m gonna get my act together and do a real post on my blog, but I’m telling you daddy issues are real and the exist in both men and women and they can either help or hinder how you date.

    Daddy issues are NOT an excuse, but they must be acknowledged first. When you see how your relationship or lack thereof with your daddy clouds how you view the opposite sex then you can start to see how you can right that.

    But again, as Damon has pointed out time and time again, it comes back to introspection. STFU and think about YOU for once and do it honestly. The hardest person to be honest with is the person in the mirror.

    Oh, and let me emphasize that I blame daddys around the world (deadbeat or spot on) NOT for the women out there who don’t see that they “do it to themselves” when it comes to relationships. Like my BFF and I like to say, there comes a time where “my daddy left me and my mama didn’t hug me” is a moot point and you gotta get on your grown (wo)man ish.

    • STFU and think about YOU for once and do it honestly. The hardest person to be honest with is the person in the mirror.

      @ASmith: I love it. So true & so succint.

    • @asmith: Dude, I have Father issues. That’s the third to last letter of this project/book.

      But that ASNF stuff is the truth. And if you can take that mess, internalize it and learn from it, you’ll be a better you.

      I earnestly believe 95 percent of the Pedestal Patty and Pedestal Pete’s problems derive from parental neglect. Monica and I had a lengthy convo about this last night.

      But it’s like you said, and like I say day after day, LOOK AT YOUR DAMN SELF.

      • @damon: I agree that a lot of it most likely stems from parental neglect but I think it could also be the opposite extreme as well…parental indulgence.

        Mama’s boys & daddy’s girls. They are so spoiled rotten and indulged in every way from childhood up that when they become adults they truly cannot believe someone would say “no” to them, challenge them, not wait on them hand and foot, etc., etc., etc. These parents truly believe their child can do no wrong and enables their child to continue blaming others for their own shortcomings.

        There has to be a balance…neglect & indulgence are opposing extremes so there must be a middle ground.

        I’m not a parent yet, but I already know that without my husband’s balance & God’s grace, I’ll be more indulging than I should…which is why I pray every day that God works on me about this because I don’t want to set my child up for a lifetime of craziness because they don’t know how to cope with other people and co-exist without putting them down to make themselves feel better.

        • I’m not a parent yet, but I already know that without my husband’s balance & God’s grace, I’ll be more indulging than I should…which is why I pray every day that God works on me about this because I don’t want to set my child up for a lifetime of craziness because they don’t know how to cope with other people and co-exist without putting them down to make themselves feel better.

          Oh gosh, CO-SIGN.

          I can’t be a single mother. My kids will be SO BAD and I HATE bad kids, but I’ll be the indulgent one. If I like you, I’m such a sucker, it’s not funny.

          • @ASmith: Yup, I already know that I’ll indulge my child (or children if we have more than the one we plan on having)…but I really don’t want to overindulge.

            This will be a struggle for me especially since I pray to have (and believe I will have) an all around good kid…does extremely well in school, doesn’t give us grief, never has runs in with the law, etc. It will be hard for me to say no to things if he or she is an all around good kid.

            Kids will be kids and will make mistakes and challenge us here and there so I definitely believe in discipline. There has to be some sort of balance. The first time a child hears “no” to something shouldn’t be from someone else. Parents have to teach the children that the world isn’t solely theirs and they can do and say as they please without any consequences.

            Sorry to get off topic here but I really do believe the pedestal mentality is influenced by parents/families.

        • @shawnta: balance. If INTROSPECTION should be Sesame Street word for today (see CoCo’s comment below) …

          Balance should be tomorrow’s word.

          • @coco & @damon: I agree. Introspection & balance…can’t go wrong.

            • extremists are on a pedestal…yes BALANCE MUST be present. once you look in yourself, you can’t go off the deep end and onto another extreme which some folks tend to do (ex. i’m need to lose weight therefore i won’t eat)…yes…balance…very important.

              • @coco: Right. Balance is key. I am the oldest child and oldest grandchild so I was spoiled, pampered & indulged (as much as one can be indulged by a single teen mom – we were poor; I just didn’t know it 🙂 ). I was also taught to never “settle” and to strive for the best in all I do…HOWEVER, my family was QUICK to put me in my place and snap me back into reality if I ever got too full of myself and had delusions of grandeur that things applied to everyone but me.

        • AMEN! I know some boys that could be great men if they would only let go of their mother’s teet and actually take some responsiblity for their lives.

          Sidenote: I get these notices through my gmail and one of the ads now popping up is for Pedestal Sinks which I found to be very funny.

      • Commander Bond aka Humble One

        “I earnestly believe 95 percent of the Pedestal Patty and Pedestal Pete’s problems derive from parental neglect.”

        I think so too. There is a problem when all of he women in the same household have similar traits.

    • this is so true. people are always looking to someone to blame. in the end, you have to evaluate your own life and make changes. no one can force you to live a certain way…people can change. but you said it right…it must first be acknowledged but it doesn’t stop there. you must move to working on you.

      if this were sesame street – INTROSPECTION would definitely be the word of the day.

    • ASmith

      Good analysis, and I have to clarify what I meant in my original post regarding daddy issues. My father was there for me but not how I needed him to be. He was/is a very loving person and to this day would lay down his life for me and I know this from the bottom of my soul, but in many ways he was a weak man when it came to the things a girl needs to see and hear from her father growing up. He and my mother divorced when I was 8 years old and he NEVER got over it. I mean never as in 20 years later (today) he still longs for my mother and has not had a successful relationship since. He even moved away for years because he said he couldn’t be in the same city with a woman he loved so much and watch her date other men. Long story short, I spent my entire childhood babysitting his feelings, nurturing him, making him feel better and longing for his presence. I think this transcended into my womanhood and it allowed me to feel the need to take care of and long for the presence of the men I dated. This lead to me allowing men to be part-time lovers and me taking any and everything that was given to me just to say I had someone….SAD SAD SAD! My issue is my issue, but I think that other girls have other daddy issues of a different nature that will be continued on to impact their MAN issues….

      • And this was exactly where my head was.

        Daddy issues don’t always stem from bad things. That’s why I say we all have ’em. Parents aren’t perfect, they mess with their kids somehow. The true test of a good parent is one who can teach their kids (essentially) “I’m going to make bad decisions, but the plan is to give you the tools to overcome ANYTHING I may have done, big or small, to screw you up…” it’s not only the true test of the parent, but of the kid as well.

        Ultimately, good parents can only bring more good than bad, but we have to acknowledge how the way we see our fathers (and mothers) effects how we relate to the outside world. They are, after all, our first glimpse at how relationships work.

        My father has never been in my life. Not ever. My mother didn’t really date when I was younger. That translated to me having a hard time figuring out how a guy fit into my life in a larger role than just a “friend” because I grew up only seeing how to “do me” by myself. I still struggle with that, but I GET that I struggle with it so it’s something I watch for…

      • and that’s the thing…we all have issues which will impact various areas in our lives. but for you, you’ve identified the issue, pinpointed its root and now you’re able to make wiser, better, sound decisions about men and your relationships. sometimes it takes people longer, if ever, to do what you have done.

        • @Coco

          And, I thank God for my realization of this early on in my life. A good book for the ladies to read are a couple of books by Michelle McKinney Hammond. One is called ‘If Men are Like Buses then Why Can’t I Catch One’, and another is ‘What to Do Until Love Finds You’. I read both these books while going through a deep depression that SURPRISE! a man put me in and it really helped me do some soul searching and see what areas I could fix about myself that would keep the same hurt from happening again. It will also help those Pedestal Pattys look at themselves and dig deeper…lol

          • I love Michelle McKinney Hammond and her books…just heard her speak in person last summer too.

            I read What To Do Until Love Finds You when I was 18 or 20 or something but her wise advice has definitely help me focus on that which is important. I can honestly say I’ve been in only a couple relationships, none have ended badly and I’m still friends with all.

            It’s all about taking heed yourself and taking heed to wise advice/counsel.

  26. Someone has to invent a virtual slow clap for this letter!

    I wish more people overall (esp us college graduates) would learn to continue our walk w/o losing the common touch.

  27. Much truth is in this letter. I will be forwarding to a few folks. I share many of these sentiments. Actually, I share all of them.lol.

  28. So….who do I make this check payable to?

  29. As usual, FABULOUS letter Damon.

    “You’re picky. You think perfection is feasible. It’s not. Look no further than yourself. Stop shutting good people out because of minor annoyances. Guess what? You’re annoying, too; ”

    I had to remind myself of this one at one time.

  30. Oh wow. This letter was that good hotness right there. 🙂
    I’ve been lurking round ‘chere for a whole minute, I may have to comment more after reading this.

    • @mist-lee: Welcome, know that you have free reign to comment/dissent with whatever Monica or I write … just keep it civil.

      “that good hotness.” … I haven’t heard that one in a good minute. lol.

  31. I’m definitely no relationship expert. Although I do feel like I know women pretty well. If that makes sense. Anyway, its been my experience that many times women, especially younger women get it twisted when it comes to what they want in a man. For a reference point see Jill Scott and Common’s High Post Brotha.

    You may want the brotha with the money, looks, swag, and mouthpiece on him, but guess what. So does every other female out there. AND he knows that so of course he’s gonna play the field. Like my man Dave Chapelle sd, “the price of kitty cat is falling like a rock cause females are practically giving it away”

    Like my mama always told me-Whats good to you, aint always good for ya.

    • @dash: good insight, bro. I need to listen to this “High Post Brotha” *hangs head in shame*

      But it is that simple, a man who can play on the football field is apt to do so than the guy playing on the pingpong table … It’s the abuse of power thing I queried in Friday’s FRQs …

      And yeah, your mom’s always has the good insight. lol.

  32. thecomebackgirl

    “That said, you can’t continually say that there are no good men if you only surround yourself with material fit for a toilet bowl. Good men exist — they just don’t hang around toilets.”

    I think I’ve been saying this for a LONG LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

    In my case and in alot of women I know who are around my age, many of us could have been married and chained AT LEAST ONCE. I can also name a couple of REALLY good men that I’ve been involved with. But instead of being a serial relationship jumper..(of which I have been most of my life-with this time of 1.3 months..being THE LONGEST unattached moment of my life.)

    I’m happy. I don’t really think the argument with smart, mature, single women are about their being a lack of good SINGLE men, im working at a site today where I look across my little work station and I see one (how you doin?? sike let me stop).

    but for me and a few of my women friends like me…we’ve never really learned HOW to be single..and HOW to enjoy it..AND HOW to spend that time on perssonal development and being good partners.

    I can say that for at least 2 of my relationships demise I WAS THE PROBLEM..

    Not all single women are a) lonely and b) waiting to exhale.

    some of us are out here learning to be GOOD pickers and pickee’s.

    • I love those last two lines Comeback!

      I will admit sometimes I get lonely and holding your breath ain’t easy — BUT risking and picking sans wisdom and introspection will not be an option. For Me that is…

      • thecomebackgirl

        “BUT risking and picking sans wisdom and introspection will not be an option. For Me that is…”

        when i get some time im going to try and find a report that newsweek did a few years back about the phenom. of women who were single in their early 30s to early 40s…cross demographic

        long story short Newsweek had to print a retraction because MOST of the women they profiled across race-location etc..WERE married or otherwise committed.

        I think most of this is a function of some time and perspective. Im interested in learning about how longer life spans and quality of living play into delayed adolescence etc.

        • thecomebackgirl

          …and how that plays out into BETTER relationships with BETTER partner choices.

          true dat..our parents and grand parents stayed married longer..but those relationhips were often a matter of convience and not necessarily life long ..forevership love.

          I mean my grand and great grands didn’t work. They didnt have life skills that enabled them to say..I may decide to wait than gett married NOW at 17 or 18.

          • I’m a big believer: We don’t go through the B.S. that life has a tendency to throw at us for no reason. LEARN FROM IT.

            So one relationship didn’t work out — I tell my friends all the time, take a minute, think about it and make sure you learn whatever lesson there was to learn before the next go-round. NO relationship ends just because of one person. Takes 2 to tango at ALL times.

            We all know that one kid (and it may be ourselves) who stays getting in the same relationship and having the same problem and they just can’t figure it out. Because that time, even if it’s a week, in between is so crucial.

            “Everyday is a new day to make bad decisions to learn from so that one day, you’re making only good decisions” (A.Smith)

            • thecomebackgirl

              “NO relationship ends just because of one person. Takes 2 to tango at ALL times”

              I agree with this wholeheartedly!!!

              I don’t really think the issue to most men’s point is necessarily about the lack of “GOOD” Single partners. I do think the issue is finding the RIGHT lid for your pot. Whats good for some may not be right for others, there are varying communication styles, passions, hobbies, preferences etc.

              I will agree that sometimes women do mask personal issues with “IM JUST NOT READY YET” or “THEY ALL SUCK”.

            • thecomebackgirl

              “NO relationship ends just because of one person. Takes 2 to tango at ALL times”

              I agree with this wholeheartedly!!!

              I don’t really think the issue to most men’s point is necessarily about the lack of “GOOD” Single partners. I do think the issue is finding the RIGHT lid for your pot. Whats good for some may not be right for others, there are varying communication styles, passions, hobbies, preferences etc.

              I will agree that sometimes women do mask personal issues with “IM JUST NOT READY YET” or “THEY ALL SUCK”.

              • “I will agree that sometimes women do mask personal issues with “IM JUST NOT READY YET” or “THEY ALL SUCK”.”

                @comeback:

                They mask it with that or by dating the guy they know has no chance in hell or the guy they like but is only stringing them along ….

                But then want to step up on the pedestal. That’s Patty in her finest hours.

        • thecomebackgirl

          “WERE married or otherwise committed.”

          after a few years.

    • “but for me and a few of my women friends like me…we’ve never really learned HOW to be single..and HOW to enjoy it..AND HOW to spend that time on personal development and being good partners.”

      @comeback: I knew either way — agree or dissent — when you showed up, you’d take it a different route and make it make sense.

      I’ve been screaming he above graph that I quoted at a few choice friends for quite some time. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t properly give of yourself. It’s not feasible.

      • thecomebackgirl

        “If you don’t know yourself, you can’t properly give of yourself. It’s not feasible.”

        True. But I don’t really understand the “why are you single” sentiment from men. Its like alot of them are pisse!d, curious or single themselves..

        but their gaps are shorter.

        I mean i could write a letter in reverse…about men having significant cooling off periods whereby there isn’t tons of unresolved CHICK residue..that they put on other women.

        hmmmm!!!!!!!!!

  33. Can I just add that I don’t see ANYTHING wrong with taking “living and learning” literally. We don’t have to be perfect when we get in the relationship, we just need to be open to making changes (on occasion significant ones) as well as clarifying when it’s us who need to change vs the relationship itself.

    To know those things, you do need to know yourself — but sometimes I fear we make it seem like as individuals we better have all our ish together before we go looking and there are just some things only a person on the outside can point to you, but THEN it’s a comment on your character as to how you take that information and what you do with it…

    There’s always a new opportunity to enhance who you are and the people I know in good and healthy relationships weren’t anywhere close to perfect when they met, but they were ready to do what it took on a personal as well as together level to make sure their relationship remained healthy and functioning…

    • exactly ASmith. I mentioned that to jlbd — we all have our issues. And some don’t become apparent to us until a specific point in time. But we must address them once they come to the surface not just move right along and ignore it. anyway, yes i agree with this…live and learn.

  34. Very well said; slow clap!

  35. on point letter as usual, yo.
    if this letter was written two years ago, i would’ve sent it to my best friends. Lawd KNOWS they all needed it back then.

    …you know what…i’m sendin’ this ish anyways.

  36. “Face it, you’re just as flawed as any man you choose to date or look down upon. You’re no better than the 29-year-old guy with 21 kids and a minimum-wage gig. Yes, you’d be a fool to date/sleep with him, but you’re not better than him. To think/verbalize that you are, shows just how hollow you are. Gents see it — your shady hollowness. Again, that’s when men decide to chase, not court.”

    WTF does this degenrate have to do with black women and their choices in men. Really you were reaching on this statement sorry to break up the dick sucking party that all the other posters seem intent on giving you but that was a dumb ass statment.

    • @bellydancer:

      Why don’t you use a real e-mail address so I can explain to you the simple concept of not being better than anyone else.

      That’s clearly all I’m saying … It would have been no different had I said Abraham …

  37. “You waste the time and money of guys whom you have no sincere interest in dating. Why waste your and his time allowing him to trick off his paycheck on you when he has no hope? That’s stupid — and how you end up on your nightly news. ”

    See that’s what happens to men when they chase and not court and why every women should arm herself against silly as niggas who try to put them on the nightly news.

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