63. People Who Question “Why?”

Ed’s Note: Some of y’all have read this. Others haven’t. Thought I’d run it here on TMCY. Enjoy.

“I learned a long time ago never to ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.” ~ Darius Lovehall departing some of the most salient advice you’ll ever hear in the movie “Love Jones.”

To People Who Constantly Ask “Why?”:

I am a self-professed movie snob. But I do like my fair share of horrible flicks including Jamie Foxx’s “Breaking All The Rules.” I’m a fan of the film because Gabrielle Union stars in it. of its niche: applying employee termination rules to break-up technique.

When you think it through, the idea works … and its application translates to my reasoning for never questioning “Why?” when someone breaks up with you, won’t go on Date No. 3 or won’t give you his/her number.

When you’re fired from an at-will job, your employer is not required to explain why he/she is canceling your benefits, depleting your bank account, ostensibly ruining your life while kicking you toward the end of the unemployment line. giving you the pink slip. It could be because you smell like PigPen, dress like you belong on a pole, sound like Donald Duck or remind your supervisor of The Predator — all reasons you might not get the digits. Or it could be obvious early on that you perform as efficiently as a 1992 Buick LeSabre with 196,421 miles runs — a reason you don’t get to Date No. 3. But your supervisor isn’t required to tell you why.

Foxx's thoughts: "Why did this fool write that I had to say this chick looks like Halle? She looks good, but she ain't Miss Berry. I'd be willing to bet some coons are gonna write a song with this same dumb premise in a few years. Just you wait."

Foxx's thoughts: "Why did this fool write that I had to say this chick looks like Halle? She looks good, but she ain't Miss Berry. I'd be willing to bet some coons are gonna write a song with this same dumb premise in a few years. Just you wait."

Often, you already know the answer. But you still want the firer to humor you with his/her easy words. So you allow the infamous query to roll off your tongue several times before security puts you out with your box of belongings.

It happens at the end of relationships, too. The break-upee queries the break-uper for understanding — for possible, if not probable reconciliation (think: John Legend’s “Again”) or for closure (You give that to yourself). But the break-uper isn’t likely to make you privy to the real reasoning. Nod your head if you have been on either side of this fence. *nods head*

The break-uper might give you the tried and true “It’s not me you, it’s you me” or he/she could list some of the petty things that don’t matter just to throw you off (i.e., you have ugly feet, you’re five pounds overweight and remind him of Roseanne Barr [when you talk, too] or you ate seven pieces of fried chicken (not wings) in one meal. you talk while you eat).

You are smart enough to know none of aforementioned reasons (the non-stricken ones) caused the relationship split. There’s a great chance that he sees you as Jennifer Aniston, but he’s found an Angelina Jolie with whom he wants to start an Octomom-like babyfarm. Still, you keep querying “Why?” with little success and plenty of frustration. Just stop and ask yourself this: Does the “Why?” even matter?

After a few test runs and failures, you should come up with “Why Ask Why?” and move on with your life. You wanna know why she/he broke up with you? Because you keep asking the damn question “why?” he/she doesn’t want you.

That may seem tough. But test the theory out. You might flip the script and leave your antagonist befuddled. But more important, you won’t want to grab a knife and stab him, pick up a brick and bust his cars windows or choke her until you can no longer sing “Take A Bow” do anything vindictive or spiteful. Remember, you probably know why this person is breaking up with you or won’t give you his/her number.

I know what you’re thinking: Why does he think this asinine idea might even work? Because I said so, that’s why.

Seriously, why subject yourself to someone else’s merry-go-round games? Haven’t you heard: wise people don’t argue with fools or chimps … “cause people from a distance can’t tell who’s who”. (~Jay)

Sincerely yours,

Damon

P.S. A white man clearly wrote “Breaking All The Rules” because Gabrielle Union looks nothing like Halle Berry.

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46 responses to “63. People Who Question “Why?”

  1. true, true… and does the why? even matter, the end is still the same: yo ass is through dealin!

  2. “Does the why even matter?”
    -In the grand scheme of life maybe not but in most people’s current realities yes it does matter. Humans are curious, we don’t like to accept things we don’t agree with or don’t understand without some sort of explaination or “data”. Why wouldn’t you desire to know what went wrong in a relationship so that even if you can’t salvage the current one you may be able to use that information to make your next relationship successful.

    I think the bigger problem for me isn’t the people asking why, it is the people that won’t just tell why. Knowing that people have problems but never speaking up about it and just leaving them to continue on in life being a “pedestal patty” or some other jerk without calling them on it is wrong.

    • @tam: You’re right. But The problem is that there aren’t too many people who are willing to be honest about the why when they need to be.

      I just think that if you think your way through the situation, especially if you know the person well, you’ll be able to tell him/her what the why is …

      In most situations I deal in now, I can figure out some piece of the why … but even better, what’s more important: forcing the why out of someone or accepting the actual result?

      IDK, the pride we show in trying to know why someone does something to us often leads us down the wrong path when we could just move on … I’m curious to see what you think of this.

      • I can agree with what you’re saying. I guess I have just been that person who really “needed” to know why a relationship didn’t work. (I know now – he was/is a sorry excuse for a man and even if I was perfect it wouldn’t have worked.) I wrote my 1st response without truly thinking back on that situation or other situations I’ve been in like that. Now that I have, I notice a pattern – nothing was ever gained from trying to figure out why it went wrong. Maybe that’s because there is no point in trying to dig down deep to discover the problems of a relationship or maybe it is because, like you said, it is rare that a person is going to be honest about the reasons it didn’t work.

        This is something I always struggled with in my past relationships. But then again I was also that little kid that asked “why” a million times until I was told “because I said so now be quiet”.

        • @tam: I was/am that kid who wants to know why. I’ve just turned to myself and other to try to figure out the answers without necessarily asking the specific party who has offended me …

          I’ve learned that most of the time the answer is blatantly obvious … You just have to be willing to accept it.

  3. Morning, y’all.

    I love the caption under the Breaking All the Rules photo. Craziness.

    I think it’s hard not to ask (or at least wonder) why in most situations but especially in break-ups. Since relationships/marriages are personal, it’s hard to have the “don’t take it personal” or “it’s just business” attitude about it when it doesn’t work out.

    It’s a blow to the ego when you’re the one one being broken up with vs. the one doing the breaking up. It’s much better when the break up is a mutual decision but that usually isn’t the case. Although we’re all flawed in one way or another (usually in multiple ways), no one wants to be rejected or feel like failures. Although it’s tough not to ask or wonder why, I agree that there are times it isn’t worth asking.

    • @shawnta: You said it’s a blow to the ego … I think people have to learn to accept those “blow of fate” as they accept their triumphs.

      Not making either too big or small. When you do, I think you worry less about the why, and concentrate more on the result and accepting it, which is a major problem for most people with large egos.

      • @damon: I also find it hard to believe that someone really wants to try to be with someone that doesn’t want them…almost like if they know the “why” behind it, they can fix it and force the person to then accept them.

        • @shawnta: But what if the “why?” isn’t something that fixable or if it’s something, better yet, that their SO shouldn’t even be tripping off of?

          Why should you change for someone who won’t accept you for you actually are?

          • @damon: Exactly. I agree 100%. You shouldn’t change unless you want to change on something. We all go through changes. Things that bother us now might not bother us 3, 5 or 10 years from now…but I think the changes we make should be self-induced and not because of someone else. Yes, I believe in compromise in relationships but I don’t agree with compromising on beliefs, faith and things that really matter to you.

          • @damon: And for the record, you have me wanting to hear Sybil’s Don’t Make Me Over now. 🙂 Classic.

  4. Meant to add…some people have really good resons for wanting to know why a relationship didn’t work out – like trying to gain insight to how they’re perceived in a relationship so maybe they can work on improving themselves while others only want to know so they can go back & forth with the break-uper trying to one up him/her w/a list of faults – pointing fingers, blaming, seeing who has the longer list of issues, etc.

    • @shawnta: I’m gonna put this here, but the logic I thought up in that caption is stupid. But revealing: What fool really thinks Halle Berry and Gabby Union look alike? One hint: it’s not a black man ….

      But that song, it’s a travesty. It’s as though they’re desecrating on all things Halle Berry … including Wesley Snipes, David Justice and Eric Benet …

      • @damon: Yeah, that song is awful.

      • I for one, like this song. Every time it comes on I get my groove on to it. I know, it’s ‘hood and it’s ghetto but I like it. Maybe it’s because I liked seeing Halle actually dance to it on the Ellen show. She looked so cute, and I really like her as an actress and she always seemed genuinely nice so I like that fact that men are paying homage to her beauty because it’s inside and out IMHO.

        • @jlbd: *side eye* … I have no words for this. ….

          Actually, I do. You know Halle made them take her name out of the song, right? She danced to it on Ellen, but denounced it as well. lol.

          • Yeah, I heard the boring version ‘Ms. Berry’, but the radio stations here still play the original version… *side-eye back atcha!*

        • @jlbd: Hilarious. I am just now seeing this. You really like the song? Get it, girl. To each her own. 🙂

          • lol, I know I know…but honestly I just like the beat and I think it’s cute that a guy that was likely not even born when she first became a household name has a song paying homage to her beauty. It’s kind of surreal.

        • @jlbd: But I do agree she is very beautiful.

  5. “Seriously, why subject yourself to someone else’s merry-go-round games? ”

    Very good point! And this is exactly my reason for not asking why… I believe (read: a lot of) people like extra attention so they will do all they can to bait you. I hate that game!!!! So I refuse to give a person the satisfaction of having me hanging on a line for their words!

    • @sunny: The merry-go-round games are what happen when you try to debunk someone’s answer to “why” he/she doesn’t want to be with you.

      And when you debunk it, sometimes they let you back in … but yeah, they kick you back out … and let you back in, and like Luther said: “you got me going in circles …”

      And only kids like getting dizzy.

      • “like Luther said: “you got me going in circles …”

        @damon: Reading this made me think of the song by Friends of Distinction…good song but not an easy song to get out of my head. Thanks. Not. 🙂

        I still enjoy getting dizzy but there is a time & place for everything and I get what you meant here.

  6. thecomebackgirl

    “Often, you already know the answer. But you still want the firer to humor you with his/her easy words. So you allow the infamous query to roll off your tongue several times before security puts you out with your box of belongings.

    EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think its a game. Why would a person want to be with someone who no longer wanted to be with you?? The question really is about, “well maybe I can change your mind.”

    Love is not supposed to be that difficult.

    • Why would a person want to be with someone who no longer wanted to be with you?? The question really is about, “well maybe I can change your mind.”

      @cbg: I agree. Why WANT to be with someone that explicitly does NOT want to be with you? Where is the logic?

    • @cbg: Love isn’t that difficult, like you say. But we make it such a game instead of just saying what’s real …

      IDK, it’s just life I guess. I just know I’ve been in enough situations — firee and firer — to know that it’s tough to get the truth out, and you’re better off figuring it out on your own …

  7. I think it’s more accurate that a white man cast Gabby than wrote “Breakin’ All The Rules”– they were the ones who needed to find a Halle Berry look-alike.

    I have a friend who always asks why. ALWAYS. At first it was just effin’ annoying, then I decided maybe it was a good thing… sometimes her asking why made me reconsider what I’d said and reconsider it’s validity but you know what? At this point it’s back to being FRIGGIN’ ANNOYING. Sometimes, it’s good to ask why, but most times — it’s just not necessary. Why? Because you know why, already.

    • @ASmith: I agree…sometimes it isn’t even worth asking why. One of our good friends is a psychologist and of course he’s good at getting us to analyze the “why” and the thought process behind everything when we’re all out together and in our group conversations. It can be exhausting at times.

      • I bet it is exahusting…

        I think there are ways to provoke deeper thought processes on stuff than just to ask “why” — in fact, I rarely feel like people truly want to know “why” when they ask that…

        • @ASmith: Yup, the “whys” are often used more for debate prep.

        • @asmith: I think what people want is to hear what they think the “why?” is …

          I think they want to permit the person a chance to say something so he/she can debunk the theory/idea put out there by the break-uper … In essence, they just want to argue/vent. *shrugs*

          Little positive comes of that though … Oh wait, I’m just reading Shawnta’s response. She just said what I said in a few paragraphs in one sentence. *smh at myself*

          • @Sawnta’ & Damon: DING DING DING… you guys can share a twinkie for that.

            This is reminiscent of a conversation I just had with a friend a couple of days ago. She kept asking me a question (“why” was ultimately the question) and I kept answering it, but I wasn’t giving her the answer she was expecting so she kept saying “you’re not answering my question…”

            If you’re going to ask why, then be prepared for WHATEVER the answer is, don’t go fishing for what you hope it is or want it to be; that’s how mistakes happen.

            • “If you’re going to ask why, then be prepared for WHATEVER the answer is, don’t go fishing for what you hope it is or want it to be; that’s how mistakes happen.”

              This is such great advice. I’ve had to learn this the hard way. I’m good for arguing the same point in circles (wait until JLBD sees this. She’ll concur/cosign).

              But what I’ve learned is that if you make your statement/argument and leave it be, it holds more validity. It sticks in a person’s mind a bit harder. Your words resound when there aren’t so many.

              So you let them reply/apologize, and then you move on. You can’t continue to argue in circles because nothing will get accomplished.

              • lol, I just saw this and yes you will argue a point until it’s a horse that has ‘gone up beyonder’ like 24-hours ago, but it’s all a part of our human nature to really find the answer or response that we are hoping for. As stated down below, I know all my exes were crap and that’s why they behaved the way they did, but I still carry around a ‘why’ when it comes to your name doppleganger. That situation was atrocious and I am still scratching my head on it (funny thing is, we are friends on Facebook now…lol). Yeah, Ice Cube’s character in Friday was worse but his personal f’d uppidness and lack of integrity was way more apparent, thus making me not even need to ask why…lol

          • @damon: Surprising, huh? I mean, really, who knew? Who knew I could keep a comment to one sentence? LOL! 🙂 Brevity has its place…I’m still working on it.

    • @asmith: They should have wrote that stupid theme out of the film. lol. But seriously, Daniel Tapitz (sp), the director/writer, is a white guy. I think.

      I’m not looking it up because it’s the comments … lol.

      And your supporting argument is appreciated. That ish is annoying as can be.

  8. Well I guess I must intimidate the h3ll out of every one of my exes because NONE of them had the [testicular fortitude] to actually face me and tell me that they had either moved on with a live in girlfriend and baby, or decided to partake in criminal activity and run off with my property investments (long story)…They all just disappeared off the face of the earth only to come back apologizing later or explaining their lame stories till they were blue in the face. So, with that being said, I have never known the ‘why’ because in my case there never really was a legitimate reason for the ‘break-up’ outside of the fact that none of them were man enough to admit their f’d up ways. I actually believe the line “it’s me, not you” because I know for a solid fact that I was not the one with the problem…

  9. Andre Jones Jr

    My sentiments exactly. It’s like–trying to find the truth in things. There are just some things out there that appear to us to be so ethereal and airy; however there’s a logical explanation for them. And it’s deflating.

    The same with asking the question “Why?”: to hear the truth? To be “politely” told off? Because that’s what “why” gets you: answers that you wouldn’t want to hear on any other day, but because of the circumstances you become a Grand Inquisitor. “why” is like :-X [that the putting-foot-in-mouth symbol right?] Don’t bother asking [in situations where you, yourself, can generate a bunch of reasons and answers to yourself] We all can’t handle the truth.

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