“It’s one thing for the boys to go off by themselves, but on Father’s Day to leave your family behind? That’s erratic.” ~ South Carolina Senate Minority Leader John Land
Dear Gov. Sanford:
I’ve been contemplating what to say to you since you returned from your secret excursion and decided to come clean about your dirt.
While I’ve been thinking, you’ve been bumping your gums at a rate that would make Six from Blossom and the rapper Twista jealous. I don’t know why. Honesty is great, but to a fault. Saying that your Argentine mistress is your soulmate is one thing. Move to Argentina and be with her. But then saying that you want to reboot your marriage is like an obese man professing his desire to lose weight while chomping into two deep-fried Twinkies at the South Carolina state fair.
Neither makes any sense.
Then again, neither does skipping the country for several days — including Father’s Day — to sex your mistress in Argentina while no one knows your whereabouts. Dude, your wife tried to cover for you. She said you were away “writing something.”
Maybe you could run Alaska from Russia (see: Sarah Palin’s backyard). But running the Palmetto State from Argentina without at least a cell phone in 2009 is just stupid. Neither Steve Spurrier or Dabo Sweeney would try to run their football teams from outside the state without their cell phones. But you run the entire state?
This isn’t a surprise, though. We all know people with power are more apt to abuse it. That’s any relationship, governance or presidency. Take the 2008-09 Mount Rushmore of political infidelity — Kwame Kilpatrick (token black guy), Elloit Spitzer, John Edwards and yourself. You’ve all abused your governing power and/or the upperhand in your marriages.
The only real surprise is that you are foolish enough to keep talking. It’s like you watched Rod Blagojevich’s media circus a few months ago and now figure you might be able to capitalize on the attention, garner some public support and get a book deal, too, before you’re kicked out the front door of the state’s mansion.
There’s nothing wrong with saying you’ve made a mistake and that you want to correct it. But saying your mistress is your soulmate is akin to forcing your bride to call you “A Pimp Named Slickback” at the altar.
Your pimp hand isn’t strong, though. Yet, your wife is. That’s why she’s side-eyeing you through her words and lack of action. You should be grateful. She very easily could have given you a face full of hot grits when she first found out about your infidelity (see: Al Green).
But she has grace and humility. It’s sad because you we’re too caught up in yourself to realize what you had. You were too good to be at home on Father’s Day with your sons. Do you see how selfish that seems? It’s as though you care for no one … but yourself.
Should you resign? Yes. Sure, you probably could run the state. But who’s to say that you won’t jump at the urge to take another transcontinental trip for trim? Moreover, why should the people of South Carolina trust you? As an elected official you are held to a higher moral standard. By engaging in an affair, you’ve failed them. Disappearing for a week? Inexcusable as well.
When your character fails your constituency like this, you should step aside. That’s how you show humility. In this moment, though, not relinquishing your power makes you appear selfish.
It’s OK, though. Keep running your faucet-like mouth. Your political career is over. If there’s anything you should be able to comprehend, it’s this next phrase: Politicians lie, but wiretaps passports and salacious e-mails via government accounts don’t.
Praying for your sons,
P.S. A piece of advice: Purchase a muzzle and wear it with honor.