XX. The Food & Drug Adminstration

To the Persons With Decision-Making Power at the FDA,

I probably should be writing you people about something vital to our society. You know, like the problem with pseudo-drug “cheese” in public schools or the American demise that will be high-fructose corn syrup.

But this letter isn’t about either of those dilemmas. I’m writing you concerning the limitless potential of the deep-fried Twinkie. I’ve believe I’ve heard enough about heart problems — through family issues — to understand them on some level. The deep-fried Twinkie sounds and looks like quadruple-bypass open-heart surgery waiting on an anesthesiologist to do his/her job.

I don't know about you, but that looks scary to me.

I don't know about you, but that looks scary to me.

That said, I’d like to discuss the merits behind criminalizing the frying and eating of such a product before it reaches our grocery store shelves. Note that other such products include, but are not limited to, deep-fried Snickers, deep-fried Mars Bars and deep-fried Oreos. See the common theme?

As you already know, the deep-fried Twinkie is a delight allegedly invented by a worthless Brit named Christopher Sell in his Brooklyn restaurant. The gluttonous treat has exploded in popularity and is now offered at state fairs throughout the United States.

Here’s a description of what happens when a Twinkie is deep fried as told by some then-malnourished writer at The New York Times:

“Something magical occurs when the pastry hits the hot oil. The creamy white vegetable shortening filling liquefies, impregnating the sponge cake with its luscious vanilla flavor.”

Impregnation, for the person who eats two of these, sounds about right. Think about it like this: One Twinkie guarantees you 150 calories. A deep-fried Twinkie? Try 425. Now I’m no math major, but it seems as though you get more calories from frying than you get from the Twinkie itself. That’s insane.

The United States is at least half-full of adults who were loony enough to elect W. to a second term. are curious enough to try this. We need proper guidance. Without the FDA, more of us could be off somewhere tripping off acid like it was still the 1960s. Thus, I’m looking to you to outlaw this tomfoolery. The government is good for making symbolic gestures concerning our nation. That’s why Michael Vick served so much time in prison, right?

This could be a great gesture to show the American people that we’re the most gluttonous group of people on the Earth the FDA is serious about getting our nation’s obesity problem under control.

The rules could be simple: Anyone who mass produces any of these deep-fried sweets with intent to distribute should be tried, convicted and sentenced to hard time at either Leavenworth or San Quentin. There, they will be banished to the kitchen for the duration of their stay. Those caught eating deep-fried delights should be forced to complete a 12-step program with Overeaters Anonymous with an emphasis on avoiding fried sweets.

Seriously, fried sweets. That reads like the health version of a double whammy, and I don’t intend to press my luck.

I know you’re wondering what to do with the confiscated deep-fried delights, right? Bird food seems like the obvious choice, but work with me. Why don’t we also make it illegal for grown people who weigh under 130 pounds — save the little people (don’t you dare call them midgets) — to call themselves fat. If one breaks the law, he/she should be forced to eat four deep-fried Twinkies in Jody Chestnut fashion. Then they might understand how “fat” tastes.

I know this may all seem like a joke. But I’m serious. Frying chicken, onion rings and pork chops is one thing. Americans don’t need to be filling pans with oil to fry HoHos. Again, that sounds like a trip to the surgeon’s table waiting to happen.

You all can prevent this. Please acquiesce.

Sincerely,

Damon

What ridiculous food items do you feel like should be outlawed because of potential health risks?

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69 responses to “XX. The Food & Drug Adminstration

  1. You put it down so heavy I’m running mad laps tomorrow. This is the most absurd treat since yummy ass funnel cake gave me a powdered shirt itch back in the day.

    • @till: It’s just confusing as hell because there’s something that they make look/sound good but you know it’s beyond scary …

      Kinda like the girl being described in Bel Biv DeVoe’s “Poison”…

  2. This made me laugh and think of a few comments to make.

    1) I’m only 5’0. According to the standard charts 130 is overweight for me. I carry it well but I’ve seen others that don’t. (I don’t wanna hear any short people jokes, Thanks.) If you wanna make calling yourself fat when you’re not illegal can we also make calling yourself “thick” when you’re really fat illegal?

    2) I’ve had a deep-fried Milky Way bar. It almost put me into a diabetic coma but boy was that first bite pure heaven. Still, the way people have no self-control these things should not be allowed to be sold to the general public.

    3) http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/ Everything on that website should be banned. I lose my appetite everytime I visit it.

    • @tam:

      That web site is insane. I’ve been there before. someone tweeted it to me again last night after reading this … lol … Needless to say, the site is a fool ….

      on you eating one: See, I know that first bite will taste good. But it just seems like death warmed over after that … lol

      And I agree with your fat/thick rule. lol. funny …

  3. BTW- why haven’t they changed the weight standards. The people they consider obese, (me), are NOT.

    Anywho, back to the post. The deep friend diabetes food is taking it too far.

    They need to outlaw:

    chocolate cereal (i.e. Cookie Crisp- serioursly, cookies for breakfast?)

  4. Hey, y’all.

    @damon: Good post.

    I’ve seen these things (deep fried Twinkies, candy bars, oreos, etc) at festivals and I know people who actually make them at HOME from time to time because festivals are not year round (at least here they aren’t). But I’ve never had one. I’m not sure that I would try one or even 1/2 of one…especially now that I am more educated on nutrition, overall health and fitness. But there are people who truly believe that everything is better fried.

    @Tam: That site is just WRONG. I just visited it and it made me gag. The photos are GROSS and the names are even worse. WHO EATS THIS?!?!?!? btw…I’m with you on being short.

    @Nicki: I agree; the weight standards need to be adjusted to be more realistic. People do not have the same make-up that people had 50 & 60 years ago. Ugh…I don’t like chocolate cereal. At all.

    @Mike: Funnel Cakes…yum but I can never eat one by myself (nor do I want to) so when I’m in the mood for a funnel cake, I always end up sharing it with my husband or friends. I like ’em plain with the powdered sugar…none of the fruit toppings, ice cream or anything else people put on them.

    • @shawnta: Food tastes good fried… but yeah … frying some things is just wrong.

      Watch, someone is gonna be frying Cheetos next month just to see what happens. smh.

      • @damon: Deep fried cheetos…gross. It’s bad enough that there was cheetos flavored lip gloss. Remember that site @jbgray07 sent? Who would wear that? And why?

    • I agree. I can never finish a Funnel cake myself, but they are THEE BEST.

      At the taste of Chicago, they were putting ice cream on them (yuck)… but I thought that was too much sugar so I didn’t get any. lol.

      . And will never tried this deep fried madness.

      • @Nicki: Yup; I agree. I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth (that title is reserved for my husband) but when I do want dessert or something sweet, I like to keep it simple. Nothing too crazy.

  5. Sorry Damon, outlawing food is fascism. And, as an adult I will not be told what I can and can’t eat. This deep fried twinkie sounds delicious (sorry) and I would like to try just one in my lifetime. I know you’re going to look at me with disgust but that creamy inside oozing out of the fried outside sounds delicious (in a coronary blockage sort of way).

    With that all being said, yes, there should be some laws in place for people who OVER-DO it with food. Like we discussed a couple of days ago in the thread, they should have limited or zero health coverage or be forced into a health program that they either fulfill or face fines or jail time if not fulfilled. I be that’ll get some of these gluttons off their behinds and stop abusing food… Honestly, abusing food is like abusing alcohol and drugs, there should be consequences for it…

  6. I had a deep-fried Oreo at the Strawberry Festival in Ponchatula, LA a couple of months ago… I think I did die and was brought back to life… that was SO EFFIN WRONG.

    I’m a born and bred Southerner, so I do have a deep and abiding respect for food, especially the deep fried variety. It’s a damn shame it was a Yankee that came up with a deep-fried Twinkie.

    Damon, we need to regulate lots of stuff where people’s relationship to food is concerned, but the deep-fried Twinkie ain’t on that list. The deep-fried Oreo, though… un-muthaeffin-acceptable

    • @asmith: You don’t think the Twinkie belongs on the list? Why not? lol … Also, did the Oreo taste OK, but you were disgusted because you knew what you were doing? or was it just disgusting.

      • No sir, the deep fried Twinkie does not belong on the list, though no one should consume more than one in a 24 hour period, for sure.

        The fried Oreo was disgusting. It was like if you shoved an oreo in the middle of a thick piece of fried bread. That’s not quite the effect I was going for… it was too much at once… ew..

    • @ASmith: I agree; I still like some fried foods from time to time (namely fried veggies at festivals, fried green tomatoes). I’m still in the process of being delivered from the spirit of ‘fried food’ ( 🙂 ) so I don’t eat nearly as much as I did when I was younger before knowing and fully understanding the impact.

      • I hardly eat fried foods either… even fried chicken (ya’ll, I don’t eat watermelon and rarely consume red kool-aid… I’ve been looking for my black card for a minute now, I think someone finally took the daggone thing… <<<— jokes, jokes, all jokes… well, I really don't like watermelon nor consume red kool-aid).

        My mom never cooked a lot of fried stuff so I think that helps me now — I dont' crave it and I'm not often drawn to it. However, if you're frying some fish, my name is A.Smith and I'ma be FIRST in line… uh-huh and I want white bread, coleslaw, mustard and some looziana (I know I'm going overboard with the extra…) hot sauce… yes I do.

        • @ASmith

          I’m a sucker for fried cat fish myself. And, I want all the trimmings you just mentioned too!

          • @ASmith & @jlbd: I agree on fried fish but seafood is my favorite so just about any fish or sushi makes my life complete.

  7. I’ll go ahead and add fried Coke on the do-not-fry list. I’ve never tried it, but the idea of it grosses me out. It’s dough that’s infused with Coke and then fried. Ick!!

    I don’t like Twinkies to begin with, so I’m OK with banning them at all costs. And frying those other sweets just doesn’t sit well with me either. However, I will tear up a funnel cake with the quickness. Fairs just aren’t the same without fried foods, especially funnel cakes and bloomin’ onions.

    • fried coke? really?

      I don’t think my problem is with fried foods. It’s with frying finished products. lol.

      • Fried cabbage, fried green tomatoes, and fried okra is off the hook!

        • @jlbd: I do like fried green tomatoes. A lot of the restaurants around here serve fried pickles too as an appetizer. I haven’t tried them yet. Has anyone? Are they good? Taste wise…not health wise…lol.

        • never have, and hopefully never will try fried cabbage. My mom (Lord, please don’t let her come and comment today) loves fried okra.

          I can’t get down with okra at all. ever. It might be my third kyrptonite behind any white condiment and peanut butter.

          • Damon, do you like boiled cabbage? If you like boiled cabbage you will LOVE fried cabbage. Fried okra is just downright delicious…

            • @damon: I agree with @jlbd; cabbage is really good. Yum! I only eat okra in gumbo. I remember reading in the “about me” section your dislike for white condiments but what’s with peanut butter? I love peanut butter.

              • one day … I’ll write about peanut butter. We have a mutual disdain for each other. That’s all I’ll say.

                • Honestly, I sit up and watch tv while eating spoonfulls of peanut butter. It is an EXCELLENT source of protein for when I go through my vegatarian phases. I love the taste of it…

                  • you know you’re making me want to barf, right? lol.

                  • @damon: I’ll be awaiting the post on peanut butter…but please try not to ruin it for the peanut butter lovers.

                    @jlbd: I agree. I eat spoonfuls of it too. I eat PB sandwiches (rarely w/jelly), dip veggie sticks in it, put it on apples and sometimes on bananas. It’s so good. I’ve never purchased the Reese’s Peanut Butter. I usually get Jif, Skippy or this organic, natural kind that looks so unappealing but is really good. I like PB to be creamy…not chunky though, especially on sandwiches.

                    • I hate chunky PB. I believe it to be of the devil and I feel that when you consume it you are doing the devil’s work.

                    • Yeah, chunky peanut butter is pretty gross… I remember one time my fiance and I went to Bread Co. and I ordered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he looked at me and goes ‘are we 5 years old with our lunch boxes today?’ and I told him that I just truly had a craving for some peanut butter….yum!

          • “My mom (Lord, please don’t let her come and comment today) loves fried okra. ”

            @damon: Hilarious at the prayer.

      • “I don’t think my problem is with fried foods. It’s with frying finished products. lol.”

        @damon I understand what you’re saying. But there are two finished products that I LOVE fried…fried macaroni & cheese bites & fried sweet corn nuggets. I don’t eat them often because a lot of restaurants don’t serve it and I don’t make them at home but they are so good.

    • @aye: I’ve never heard of fried Coke before. Craziness.

  8. natural nubian

    i’m from the south so i LUV me some fried foods and i’ll try anything fried once. why not? i can’t see being hooked to it though because i equally love my green veggies, but hook me up on a fried buffet feast & i won’t complain. we all gotta please our lil inner fat kid from time to time.

  9. I never had a fried Twinkie, but I definitely want to try one, and the fried Oreos too.

    And the http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com website is beyond gluttony. There just are no words for it. I remember seeing the fried coke on there.

  10. I’m the only one that eats fried sweet corn nuggets and fried mac & cheese? Uh-oh…well, at least I don’t eat them often, right? Lol.

    • I’ve only ever had mac and cheese bites from Sonic and I wasn’t impressed.

      Fried sweet corn nuggets sound magical, though.

      • @ASmith: I didn’t even know Sonic had them. I’m glad you weren’t impressed though because if you told me they were GOOD, I would be mad that you informed me they carry them in the first place.

        The only place I’ve had either of these is at a local soul food restaurant here. SO good.

  11. @jlbd: I eat peanut butter sandwiches all the time. They’re fast to make & pack for lunch, inexpensive and depending on the bread can be healthy.

  12. I’ve had a fried twinkie before and it was pretty freaking good. Not sure if I’d eat two at one sitting, but I’d eat it again. It’s been a few years since I had the one maybe I can have another soon, Comrade Damon?

    • I’m telling you, I want one now and I want it fresh out the grease! Then after that, I likely won’t have another till at least a year later…

    • I’m gonna tell y’all the craziest thing about this post: I asked for people talk about foods they felt like should be outlawed …

      Yet somehow, everyone is talking about fat foods that they love … how is that? lol. Carry on.

      Trav, do what you do. lol.

  13. Jeanette Nicole

    I agre with you 100%! As far as what food I’d banish? There’s this place near my aunt’s house that makes a “ViceLord Burger”. It’s a regular burger, gyro meat, chopped steak, melted cheese and other assorted condiments. It needs to be condemned.

  14. Deep fried Twinkies? That sounds disgusting! I’m sure the youngins would be the 1st to try it, but as I got older I got smarter abt the foods I put into my body and that just sounded the alarm.

    Fried oreo’s and candy bars should be on the list, who thinks of this stuff?

  15. I can’t stand extreme foods. And I thought the deep-frying was extreme enough until I saw the thisiswhyyourefat.com website some time ago. I thought of that site as soon as I saw the pic of that deep-friend Twinkie. Which…

    Ew! A deep-fried Twinkie? I ain’t never been a fan of Twinkies period (my sister said they were way better back in her day…I believe it) and the thought of deep frying it only makes me e-vomit. Some things just should be fried period, let alone deep fried.

    I agree with the new set of laws. I mean, some folks can control their indulgence of fatty sweets, but most can’t. We need to nip this ish in the bud before they come out with deep fried salad*.

    *I would only be partly suprised if this already existed.

  16. Ok, I just went to http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/ and literally gagged at my desk. YUCK!

  17. This article is so true lol. We live in such a greedy society and that is translated into the way we eat. You know some hillbilly (no offense to the hillbillies) was the first to attempt to fry the twinkie (in a turkey deep fryer no less) and thought this was a brilliant idea. Spawning a field of dreams moment – If you fry it they will come. And of course as consumers people have bought into. Please dispense this article all over the internets so this madness can stop lol. Great post!

    Fave Line: “Seriously, fried sweets. That reads like the health version of a double whammy, and I don’t intend to press my luck.”

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