To the Persons With Decision-Making Power at the FDA,
I probably should be writing you people about something vital to our society. You know, like the problem with pseudo-drug “cheese” in public schools or the American demise that will be high-fructose corn syrup.
But this letter isn’t about either of those dilemmas. I’m writing you concerning the limitless potential of the deep-fried Twinkie. I’ve believe I’ve heard enough about heart problems — through family issues — to understand them on some level. The deep-fried Twinkie sounds and looks like quadruple-bypass open-heart surgery waiting on an anesthesiologist to do his/her job.
That said, I’d like to discuss the merits behind criminalizing the frying and eating of such a product before it reaches our grocery store shelves. Note that other such products include, but are not limited to, deep-fried Snickers, deep-fried Mars Bars and deep-fried Oreos. See the common theme?
As you already know, the deep-fried Twinkie is a delight allegedly invented by a worthless Brit named Christopher Sell in his Brooklyn restaurant. The gluttonous treat has exploded in popularity and is now offered at state fairs throughout the United States.
Here’s a description of what happens when a Twinkie is deep fried as told by some then-malnourished writer at The New York Times:
“Something magical occurs when the pastry hits the hot oil. The creamy white vegetable shortening filling liquefies, impregnating the sponge cake with its luscious vanilla flavor.”
Impregnation, for the person who eats two of these, sounds about right. Think about it like this: One Twinkie guarantees you 150 calories. A deep-fried Twinkie? Try 425. Now I’m no math major, but it seems as though you get more calories from frying than you get from the Twinkie itself. That’s insane.
The United States is at least half-full of adults who were loony enough to elect W. to a second term. are curious enough to try this. We need proper guidance. Without the FDA, more of us could be off somewhere tripping off acid like it was still the 1960s. Thus, I’m looking to you to outlaw this tomfoolery. The government is good for making symbolic gestures concerning our nation. That’s why Michael Vick served so much time in prison, right?
This could be a great gesture to show the American people that we’re the most gluttonous group of people on the Earth the FDA is serious about getting our nation’s obesity problem under control.
The rules could be simple: Anyone who mass produces any of these deep-fried sweets with intent to distribute should be tried, convicted and sentenced to hard time at either Leavenworth or San Quentin. There, they will be banished to the kitchen for the duration of their stay. Those caught eating deep-fried delights should be forced to complete a 12-step program with Overeaters Anonymous with an emphasis on avoiding fried sweets.
Seriously, fried sweets. That reads like the health version of a double whammy, and I don’t intend to press my luck.
I know you’re wondering what to do with the confiscated deep-fried delights, right? Bird food seems like the obvious choice, but work with me. Why don’t we also make it illegal for grown people who weigh under 130 pounds — save the little people (don’t you dare call them midgets) — to call themselves fat. If one breaks the law, he/she should be forced to eat four deep-fried Twinkies in Jody Chestnut fashion. Then they might understand how “fat” tastes.
I know this may all seem like a joke. But I’m serious. Frying chicken, onion rings and pork chops is one thing. Americans don’t need to be filling pans with oil to fry HoHos. Again, that sounds like a trip to the surgeon’s table waiting to happen.
You all can prevent this. Please acquiesce.
What ridiculous food items do you feel like should be outlawed because of potential health risks?