Ed’s Note: Another “reply” hit the TMCY e-mail inbox earlier this week. I had to share. In your head, be sure to read this as though your name is Tina Fey.
Sorry, I’m just now getting back to you. I got the letter in the mail in early February, and wanted to thank you for your glowing admiration of me back then. But I needed time to think. See, I’ve been busy coming up with grizzly bear-like point guard analogies to explain to America why I was stepping down as Governor of Alaska.
I think they went over well, don’t you?
I’ve been doing that, and I’ve been raising my tribe of children. But your little analogy about playing with my family on The Sims just tickled me so much that I actually created a Sims Palin family. Yes, I’ve failed at the game with the fam. Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but that’s the real reason I resigned. *winks* I realize that I can’t beat this darned *winks* game while committing my time to the state of Alaska and my family. And you know I dislike taking the blame for losing. For God’s sake, I’m a maverick!
But now that I’ve used my right grizzly paw to pass the basketball-like Alaska government on to someone else and retired to my wondrous view of Russia, I’ve found the time to reply to you.
I want to thank you for comparing me to John Madden. In piecing together my analogies and similes, I’ve always thought of Madden as a great mentor and sterling example. I actually own a looped cassette tape of him saying “90 percent of the game is half-mental.” That was brilliant. I’m so sad to see him retire. He made Walter Cronkite sound like a chipmunk.
Your comparison has inspired me so much that I’m considering taking my viewpoints of the Russian sunset to the airwaves. You know, I want to fight for the big businesses little people — and those midgets, too. Collin O’Brien announced the name of my future show on that late show Jimmy Leno used to host. It’s titled: “Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?”
See, I figure it like this: All of these prognosticators, pontificators and left-wing eating people keep blaming me for everything that I’m not doing and saying. And I just want to prove to them that I know that the capital of Alaska is Wasilla. Seriously, I could take Bill O’Reilly AND Rush Limbaugh at that Double Jeopardy game.
As the great Kanye West says, why won’t these people just “LET ME BE GREAT?!” Is that too much to ask? I think not. Speaking of Kanye, I don’t hate all black people. I have two nobly black friends — Michael Steele and Uncle Clarence Thomas. Not just the required minimum.
Anyways, I regress.
If this whole reality television thing doesn’t workout, I have a good Plan B that doesn’t include a trip to Planned Parenthood. (That took me two weeks to think up, but it’s a good one isn’t it?)
I’m gonna move to Dallas so that I can learn from the greatness that was our 43rd President, Dubya. I have dreams of beating Obama in 2012, ya know? *winks* And in my spare time, I’m going to tryout as a cheerleader point guard for Mark Cuban’s NBA basketball team. If they’ll let crazy people like Stephon Marbury play, they’ll give me a shot … to pass the ball and resign. Heck, I’m already a maverick!
And I saw that you named me to your first-team All-American Muzzle squad. So I should be good for something on the basketball field.
Heading into the Russian woods to hunt some duck,
Sarah “The Grizzly Bear Snuggling Seth Green in That Film Preview” Palin
P.S. I really enjoy conversating with you via letter. We should keep this transcontinental penpal thing up.