RE: 2. Sarah Palin

Ed’s Note: Another “reply” hit the TMCY e-mail inbox earlier this week. I had to share. In your head, be sure to read this as though your name is Tina Fey.

Dear Damon,

Sorry, I’m just now getting back to you. I got the letter in the mail in early February, and wanted to thank you for your glowing admiration of me back then. But I needed time to think. See, I’ve been busy coming up with grizzly bear-like point guard analogies to explain to America why I was stepping down as Governor of Alaska.

I think they went over well, don’t you?

As dumb as this reply is, you can't tell if Tina wrote it that well or if Sarah actually did it herself, can you?

As dumb as this reply is, you can't tell if Tina wrote it that well or if Sarah actually did it herself, can you?

I’ve been doing that, and I’ve been raising my tribe of children. But your little analogy about playing with my family on The Sims just tickled me so much that I actually created a Sims Palin family. Yes, I’ve failed at the game with the fam. Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but that’s the real reason I resigned. *winks* I realize that I can’t beat this darned *winks* game while committing my time to the state of Alaska and my family. And you know I dislike taking the blame for losing. For God’s sake, I’m a maverick!

But now that I’ve used my right grizzly paw to pass the basketball-like Alaska government on to someone else and retired to my wondrous view of Russia, I’ve found the time to reply to you.

I want to thank you for comparing me to John Madden. In piecing together my analogies and similes, I’ve always thought of Madden as a great mentor and sterling example. I actually own a looped cassette tape of him saying “90 percent of the game is half-mental.” That was brilliant. I’m so sad to see him retire. He made Walter Cronkite sound like a chipmunk.

Your comparison has inspired me so much that I’m considering taking my viewpoints of the Russian sunset to the airwaves. You know, I want to fight for the big businesses little people — and those midgets, too. Collin O’Brien announced the name of my future show on that late show Jimmy Leno used to host. It’s titled: “Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?”

See, I figure it like this: All of these prognosticators, pontificators and left-wing eating people keep blaming me for everything that I’m not doing and saying. And I just want to prove to them that I know that the capital of Alaska is Wasilla. Seriously, I could take Bill O’Reilly AND Rush Limbaugh at that Double Jeopardy game.

As the great Kanye West says, why won’t these people just “LET ME BE GREAT?!” Is that too much to ask? I think not. Speaking of Kanye, I don’t hate all black people. I have two nobly black friends — Michael Steele and Uncle Clarence Thomas. Not just the required minimum.

Anyways, I regress.

If this whole reality television thing doesn’t workout, I have a good Plan B that doesn’t include a trip to Planned Parenthood. (That took me two weeks to think up, but it’s a good one isn’t it?)

I’m gonna move to Dallas so that I can learn from the greatness that was our 43rd President, Dubya. I have dreams of beating Obama in 2012, ya know? *winks* And in my spare time, I’m going to tryout as a cheerleader point guard for Mark Cuban’s NBA basketball team. If they’ll let crazy people like Stephon Marbury play, they’ll give me a shot … to pass the ball and resign. Heck, I’m already a maverick!

And I saw that you named me to your first-team All-American Muzzle squad. So I should be good for something on the basketball field.

Heading into the Russian woods to hunt some duck,

Sarah “The Grizzly Bear Snuggling Seth Green in That Film Preview” Palin

P.S. I really enjoy conversating with you via letter. We should keep this transcontinental penpal thing up.

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31 responses to “RE: 2. Sarah Palin

  1. Sarah,

    There’s so much wrong with this that I don’t even know what to say. Guess I’ll just let you know that I’m not sure you should be digressing, not regressing, in letters. But hey, you’re regressing in life. *shrugs*

    I hope that point guard thing works out for you.

    Dame

  2. Brilliant, I love it! Bye-bye Say-Pay!
    Dear Lord, please do NOT let her actually think about a move to Dallas, we are already ticked off GW is in the neighborhood, Rick Perry is an idiot, the Mavs embarass us every year and don’t get me started on the Cowboys. Life ain’t easy for the Dallasites. 😉

  3. Your use of the words “sterling” and “maverick” have killed me. D.O.D. 8:58 am

  4. Dude, as I read this her annoying voice was resounding in my head. Does anyone remember Howie Mandel’s cartoon ‘Bobby’s World’? Sarah Palin sounds JUST LIKE Bobby’s mom!

    Anyway, I really am more angry at John McCain for introducing this waste of a liquid climax complete idiot to the nation. It’s all his fault that this tool of a woman thinks she actually has a strong political future….smh…

    Good post Damon…

    • @jlbd: That mom’s voice on that show was absolutely annoying … lol … but I did love some Bobby’s World …

      And I don’t blame John McCain. I blame Joe Jackson … smh.

  5. @jlbd: was that the show she was like,” knock me over with a wet noodle?” If that was it, great show don’t cha kno. Lol

    • @Ernesto

      Yesssss!!!! FINALLY, someone else remembers that cartoon….every single show she used the phrase ‘don’t cha know!’ Sarah Palin is her vocal twin….

  6. Favorite part: the well placed winks.

  7. thecomebackgirl

    WAIT…TINA FEY WROTE THIS????

    i can’t breathe.

  8. thecomebackgirl

    oh wait…i only read the first sentence intro from you. Reading is fundamental. LOL

  9. thecomebackgirl

    I can’t continue this letter until I know who REALLY wrote it. Seriously SP wrote this letter?

  10. I know people said she sounds like Bobby’s World’s mother but I think she looks like another Bobby’s mother…Bobby Hill that is.

    The uncanny physical and personality characteristics between Peggy Hill/Sarah Palin are astonishing. From the glasses and red hair to the know it all personality and commonplace misquotes/wrong ideas & facts.

    Sarah Palin = Peggy Hill

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