Three weeks ago, we delved into things non-blacks shouldn’t do if they want to keep their one black friend(s). We found out that there’s a laundry list of things that irk black people. Go figure.
Well, I’ve decided to even it out some by creating a list of affirmative things you can do to maintain your friendships with black people. Feel free to add to the list in the comments.
5. Say that you hope Michael Vick succeeds. In your heart, you could hope that Mike Vick is thrown into a ring and forced to dance with flesh-eating wolves. But as long as you tell us of your positive hopes for Vick, your blacks friends will admire you. And if you actually mean it? Man, you might almost earn yourself a pseudo black card. Black people love redemption tales more than the average American. We want to see Vick do well. In fact, the team that signs him might just become the new Georgetown Hoyas.
4. Know more about black history than just President Obama, Martin Luther King, Jr., slavery and hip hop. Yes, black people do more than work on expanding Webster’s dictionary with ridiculous non-words like irregardless and giving new definitions to words like swaggeriffic. If you can name at least five things George Washington Carver made with the peanut, you’ll score a few points. If you can tell me who invented the stoplight and and , you’re well on your way.
3. Ask us what we read. It’s a great/safe conversation starter. It makes it seem as though you’re giving us credit for doing something most people don’t think black people do. You’ll be shocked to learn that we read the same periodicals and authors you do. Like Dave Chappelle said, we’re studying you. Note: If the black person you’re with replies by saying they love Soulja Boy’s Twitter feed, you’ve friended the wrong kind of black person.
2. Attend all-black events. Black people loathe being the only black in the room much the same as a man hates being trapped in a room with 20 women he knows he can’t take home. So when a black person invites you to a place where you’re guaranteed to be the minority, and you not only don’t sink, but you swim like your last name is Phelps, you will earn respect. Note: Hip hop concerts do not count. Period.
1. Admit that Elvis can’t touch Michael Jackson AND that Stevie Wonder is a better songwriter than John Lennon was. If you can say these things and mean it, someone will show up at your doorstep the next day with a shiny, new black card — your name already engraved. … OK, maybe not. But your black friend might invite you to the next year’s Essence Fest. … OK, maybe not.