XXIX. Brett Favre’s New Teammates

“You’re not George Foreman. You’re not going to win the Super Bowl with one haymaker-like Hail Mary TD pass akin to the one that floored Michael Moorer.” ~ From my open letter to Brett Favre.

Dear Vikings,

I feel sorry for you gents. You fellas are like the good guy who scores the girl you think is perfect, but all of your friends are side-eyeing you for falling for this she-devil, a girl who will have you talking and dreaming about jumping off the top of the Metrodome.

This is your new quarterback, the NFL Drama Queen himself, Brett Favre, better known as The AARP’s King of Indecision. And you really want him? Take him. But don’t you fellas realize that indecision is one of the worst qualities for a starting quarterback? It usually results in fumbles, sacks and interceptions. Remember, Favre has thrown more INTs than any other quarterback in the game’s history.

Jared Allen, my favorite Viking for obvious reasons. Still can't understand why they'd want Favre as their quarterback.

Jared Allen, my favorite Viking for obvious reasons. Still can't understand why they'd want Favre as their quarterback.

It also isn’t all that great to have a prima donna quarterback who’s willing to skip half of training camp and allegedly start a preseason game three days after he’s signed. He’s too good for a full training camp, but good enough to slide into the starting lineup as a quarterback?

There’s something very Allen Iverson circa “Practice” about that. If someone was foolish enough to sign Pacman Jones, he could probably catch on and play a decent nickelback in three weeks when the regular season begins. But an almost 40-year-old virgin Viking quarterback who skips training camp? You all would be better served if Tavaris Jackson — wh0, mind you, is a Section 8 version of Michael Vick — went Tonya Harding on Favre’s left knee.

Yes, I understand that there are veteran players who don’t play in the preseason. But Favre wasn’t on your team last year. No, he was crash-landing the New York Jets 2008 season with his tired arm. And now, he’s preparing to turn your Viking ship into the Titanic.

This is simple. I don’t care what he says, Favre cares about getting vengeance in the games against Green Bay. Yes, that’ll be great for the NFL and its broadcasting partners. It’s great for Michael Vick — who is likely doing back flips in his Philly camp dorm room right now because all of his deer-hunting, dog-loving haters can swoon over their favorite signal caller for another year.

But for you fellas, it’s all bad. My Magic Eight Ball is bringing back eights, two of them in your regular season record to be exact. It’s also telling me to warn you of the following:

Don’t be shocked if Brett decides to re-re-re-re-retire (I think that’s the right number) after game three of this season and then unretires just in time for game six. Don’t be surprised when January comes, and you’re playing with your kids instead of playing football. And surely don’t be surprised when the rest of the world screams “I told you so,” and begins smh’ing at you.

Sincerely,

Damon

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34 responses to “XXIX. Brett Favre’s New Teammates

  1. I really try to be interested in sports and keep abreast of what is going on in the world of sports but I just don’t care. Based on facebook and twitter this is apparently a big deal. *shrugs* Maybe I’ll google the details…..

  2. Nickelback? Turn your Viking ship into the Titanic?? Re*4-retire??? LMAO!!!! Brett needs to sit down somewhere. I remember kids wearing his jersey when I was in elementary school. I’m surprised his 40 year old bones, aren’t bent out of shape. I mean gosh! Major contact sport and you’re the player everyone is trying to contact!!! I guess he just can’t give up the glory. I’ll cosign that smh!

  3. I don’t know much about football, but I’ll say,

    “Dayum those butts in those tight white half pants.”

    That is all. Carry on!

  4. Back in my high-rolling days, I met Brett. It was right after his Super Bowl win and he was the most selfish, spoiled, “look-at-me-look-at-me” redneck I had ever met. Apparently nothing has changed in the past 10+ years.

    This guy won’t retire until they carry him off the field. Those laser-fast bullets his arm used to shoot only worked when he had time enough to pull the trigger. If the Vikings O line couldn’t give a mobile QB like Tavaris Jackson time in the pocket, they are doomed with Favre.

    But then again, we common-sense having folks knew this all ready. Brett – GO. SIT. DOWN.

    • @onechele: Tavaris Jackson is a horrible QB. They’d have been fine with Sage Rosenfels (sp). But no they had to bring in an almost 40-year-old, indecisive drama queen…

      I know he says he’s doesn’t care that much, but I wonder if he realizes just how much of the world sees him as a spoiled brat.

  5. I’m gonna say they are going to end up with a losing season…in fact.. the most disappointingLions might have a chance to actually not be at the bottom this year..

  6. It’s not like I have any stake in any team he plays for. I don’t really care for the Vikings, Jets or Packers. It’s his mere presence that annoys me to no end. I’m sure there are plenty of steroid stories or PETA protests of Vick that could be on constant replay at ESPN. But the Prima Donna of the NFL can’t let the preseason get into full swing without stealing a little limelight before he retires again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Ugh, Brett Farve. Just ugh!

  7. Hey, y’all.

    I agree with @aye. It’s his presence that annoys me most. He. Is. Everywhere. He never seems to go away and even when you think he is gone, he isn’t. He always comes back. I also agree that he’s a Prima Donna. Yesterday I kept using the term diva…either way, he commands that ALL attention be on him at all times. Craziness.

  8. Ok,

    I got conflicting views on this. I hate that he’s comeback because I literally didn’t catch any highlights on SportsCenter this morning because the full 30 minute block I get to watch was dedicated Favre. No Royals highlights, no baseball highlights, hell not even the Little League World Series! All 30 minutes = Favre.

    Now, I cannot hate on this man and his comeback because he doesn’t want to stop doing what he loves to do. For some of the guys, football is all they have ever known. When I played baseball, I had to be dragged from the field if I was hurt or was the guy saying “its not raining that hard” or “it isn’t that cold/hot”.

    Favre is in the same category as Michael Jordan (and probably Kobe Bryant in the future). There is no better warrior/General to have out there with you on the field. Not one athlete you can think of today will go out there and give everything to win more than those guys will. If you are a fan of their team, you know that you won’t be cheated by lack of effort, even if there skills have diminished.

    On the Tom Joyner Morning Show, some comedian said that Brett Favre was like the old dude that be at the club every Saturday and always says to his boy “Ay man, this clubbing stuff just isn’t for me anymore” but always be back at the club the next Saturday.

  9. this is def one of your funnier letters damon. very very good job. “T.Jackson being the section 8 version of M.Vick” had me in tears.

    i understand the frustration/annoyance at mr. farve, but yall gotta see things from his perspective (‘member my lesson learned i gave u yesterday D?)–farve & his fam are soooo good it’s no joke. what other person/profession u know where an employee can tell their employer “um, i’m ’bout to dip. thanks for the check” and then get re-re-re-re-hired BACK into the same position, only to collect millions more!?!?! ….mind u, he’s only working part time to still get paid full time ’cause he never gets enough wins to get further past regular season.
    personally, i ain’t mad at him.

  10. Brett Favre is weird. Doesn’t he have enough money already? Can’t he just coach something if he misses it so badly?

    Go Steelers!

  11. *their skills have diminished*

  12. As someone that grew up in Wisconsin, worshiping Brett Favre like the rest of the state, I think I’ve got a unique perspective from others commenting so far. The guy’s the only QB I’d ever known for the Packers and he was truly one of us. Through the trials & tribulations of his painkiller addiction and the rumored extra-marital affairs, he showed a human side that, in the end, endeared him even more to people, especially Wisconsinites. His play on the field mirrored his real life, with tremendous success or epic failure a constant trend. But whether he was winning an NFL-record third MVP award or throwing an NFL-record number of interceptions, he played with joy and a became one of Wisconsin’s favorite sons, alongside Vince Lombardi and Robin Yount in our pantheon of sports greatness. His final year in Green Bay was magical – his best season in years, the Packers with a 13-3 record, the record-breaking moments throughout the year and that same joy. Then, he choked in the NFC Championship game against the Giants, who eventually won the Super Bowl. Not a Jordan-esque picture-perfect ending, but he then sat at a press conference, choked-up with emotion and retired. We all were saddened but understood it was probably time.

    Then, late in the spring of 2008, he changed his mind and told the Packers he wanted to play again. They agreed and began making plans. Then, Favre again told them he wanted to retire and they told him, “Ok, we have to move forward with Aaron Rodgers as our QB then.” A month later, the king of indecision changes his mind again, only to find the Packers didn’t want him anymore. They’d moved on because they had to, they couldn’t keep waiting for him to make a real decision.

    He then began to transform into the sad character he’s become today. With highly orchestrated press interviews and snide comments, he began turning his back on the people that had worshiped him for 16 years. He ended up with the Jets, which wasn’t that bad. I mean, MJ finished with the Wizards and it didn’t really diminish his career in Chicago. We still remember #23 in red.

    And then this winter, he retired again. Only to start the whole process over again this summer with the Vikings. After far too much drama and indecision, he’s a member of the Vikings. The frickin’ Vikings. I understand why he likes the opportunity – he knows the offense, he’s got a fantastic O-Line and running game to take the pressure off himself. But seriously, the Vikings are the most-hated rival of the Packers – I hate them more than the Bears. For him to put on purple and turn his former house-of-horrors (he couldn’t ever win at the Metrodome for the first decade of his career) into his home stadium is blasphemous. He hasn’t just turned his back on Wisconsin; he’s given all of us a giant middle finger and said, “Your support for 16 years doesn’t matter. I’m still bitter as hell that the Packers wouldn’t let me change my mind the 18th time so I’m after revenge. F*ck all of you.”

    And the Vikings sold their credibility up the river by letting him play this silly game, skip training camp and still join the team when they said he couldn’t do so. I predict a lot of locker room turmoil and an early playoff exit. I only wish I could be in Green Bay in week 8 to boo him mercilessly. The guy went from the most beloved athlete in America to a wishy-washy, incredibly-selfish egomaniac that can’t live without people fawning over him, and it’s said. Maybe I’ll forgive him in seven years when his number is retired in Green Bay and he enters Canton as a Packer, but for now, you’re dead to me Brett Favre.

  13. Damon, you know I am now forced to write a response to this, right? It’s going to be interesting for the NFL and I love it. We (as a Packer fan) haven’t seen anything like this since the days of when Tampa Bay was in the NFC Central and Brett would square off agaist Warren Sapp.

    The only thing else to add, for now, is: doesn’t stand to reason that the guy with the most yards passing in NFL history has the most interceptions?

    • @rippa: I’m with you… I leave you to respond, and you know I can’t wait. But you and I know that a good 70 of the those INTs make no sense whatsoever.

  14. Funkyheadhunter

    Well at least now everyone will be focusing on Brett “the Brat” Favre and not Micheal “Hide Your Pooch” Vick and the bitter pill of him joining my team. Every cloud has a silver lining.

  15. *punts Brett Favre*

  16. I’m afraid Favre is still the best QB on that roster. The Vikings need him.

    Sage Rosenfels is NOT the answer. Perhaps neither is Favre, but he’s the best thing they have going for them at that position. TavJack won’t cut it either.

  17. I AM THE BEST EVER! YEA I HAVE THE MOST INT’S BUT I ALSO HOLD MANY OTHER RECORDS YOU DIP SHITS! HOW AM I DOING SO FAR THIS YEAR? FUCK YOU ALL BRETT IS BACK AND IM GONNA GIVE YA THE OL FAMOUS FAVRE’S FARMER FUCKIN!

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