“They still make you?” Chris Rock comparing women who don’t perform a certain act in the bedroom to the BetaMax.
Dear Ladies (especially the talented Comeback Jones):
The aforementioned quote is not just a death sentence for a relationship that lacks the certain bedroom act men have come to expect. No, it applies to our pasttime of sports watching as well.
A major part of any relationship is getting into what your significant other likes to do, right? Men like sports, and over time, most women have figured out that knowing or learning her man’s favorite sport will work in her favor.
Those of you who still don’t quite get this, befuddle me. I know your breed isn’t necessarily dying a quick death. But still, I don’t understand why you won’t conform to the male societal norms.
Yes, there are guys out there who don’t watch sports, if that’s what you’re looking for in a suitor. Problem is, finding a guy like that that you will want to be with is like the CIA trying to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s current location.
There also are men in this world who don’t want you to watch the game with them, but with good reason. They’d rather watch the game with the fellas and/or Girlfriend No. 2. You know, the girl who actually understands what a first down is because they don’t feel like they should be teaching a grown person about a game they learned at six. They’re annoyed by your nagging questions, most of which you’ve asked before but didn’t take in the answers.
So your man requites you with tomfoolery like this:
Kurt Warner throws an interception in the SuperBowl and you ask, “Honey, what is a turnover?”
He replies, “It’s like a Hot Pocket but with an apple filling.”
Know that if you ask a question like this and he responds in a sarcastic tone, there’s a 97.2 percent chance a break up is imminent. Most men don’t like being forced to reiterate things. It drives us insane.
So hear me clearly: If you want your current relationship to last, you should learn the basics about your man’s favorite two sports and his favorite teams. I’m not saying you should know who Tyler Thigpen is. But you should know Tom Brady for more than being Gisele’s beau.
Perfect example: When my stepmother met my father, she didn’t know much about baseball or football. She couldn’t tell you the difference between a false start or a holding penalty. On the other hand, my father breathed baseball into his 30s, so she didn’t have much of a choice. As an 8-year-old, I knew more about the two sports than my stepmother.
But as time wore on, she caught on to the games because she knew it would help her relationship out and would be a way to bond with my dad. Now, she can tell you the difference between a curveball and a change-up… in person, something most guys can’t do. She knows a turnover isn’t necessarily a Hot Pocket-like, apple-filled delight. And it has served her well since she began learning.
See, a woman who can talk/watch sports is 23 times better than man’s best friend. In comparison to you, the BetaMax, she’s Steve Jobs’ personal iPhone. While you’re at home, watching a marathon of Lifetime movies with your 20-pound tub of popcorn and vat of Chunky Munky, there’s a chance the girl who knows the game, in the literal and figurative senses, is out watching and playing it with the guy you want or your man and his friends.
Monica Lewinsky, anyone? I bet she knows the difference between a fumble and an interception. I’m just saying… If you don’t, someone else will. Step your game up. Football season kicked in Saturday. You’re behind.