XXXIII. Women Who Don’t Watch Sports

“They still make you?” Chris Rock comparing women who don’t perform a certain act in the bedroom to the BetaMax.

Dear Ladies (especially the talented Comeback Jones):

The aforementioned quote is not just a death sentence for a relationship that lacks the certain bedroom act men have come to expect. No, it applies to our pasttime of sports watching as well.

A major part of any relationship is getting into what your significant other likes to do, right? Men like sports, and over time, most women have figured out that knowing or learning her man’s favorite sport will work in her favor.

Those of you who still don’t quite get this, befuddle me. I know your breed isn’t necessarily dying a quick death. But still, I don’t understand why you won’t conform to the male societal norms.

Yes, there are guys out there who don’t watch sports, if that’s what you’re looking for in a suitor. Problem is, finding a guy like that that you will want to be with is like the CIA trying to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s current location.

Knowing about this screenshot from a football game would have been a great conversation starter with most any man in America this weekend. But you have no clue, do you?

Knowing about this screenshot from a football game last week would have been a great conversation starter with most any man in America this weekend. But you have no clue, do you?

There also are men in this world who don’t want you to watch the game with them, but with good reason. They’d rather watch the game with the fellas and/or Girlfriend No. 2. You know, the girl who actually understands what a first down is because they don’t feel like they should be teaching a grown person about a game they learned at six. They’re annoyed by your nagging questions, most of which you’ve asked before but didn’t take in the answers.

So your man requites you with tomfoolery like this:

Kurt Warner throws an interception in the SuperBowl and you ask, “Honey, what is a turnover?”

He replies, “It’s like a Hot Pocket but with an apple filling.”

Know that if you ask a question like this and he responds in a sarcastic tone, there’s a 97.2 percent chance a break up is imminent. Most men don’t like being forced to reiterate things. It drives us insane.

So hear me clearly: If you want your current relationship to last, you should learn the basics about your man’s favorite two sports and his favorite teams. I’m not saying you should know who Tyler Thigpen is. But you should know Tom Brady for more than being Gisele’s beau.

Perfect example: When my stepmother met my father, she didn’t know much about baseball or football. She couldn’t tell you the difference between a false start or a holding penalty. On the other hand, my father breathed baseball into his 30s, so she didn’t have much of a choice. As an 8-year-old, I knew more about the two sports than my stepmother.

But as time wore on, she caught on to the games because she knew it would help her relationship out and would be a way to bond with my dad. Now, she can tell you the difference between a curveball and a change-up… in person, something most guys can’t do. She knows a turnover isn’t necessarily a Hot Pocket-like, apple-filled delight. And it has served her well since she began learning.

See, a woman who can talk/watch sports is 23 times better than man’s best friend. In comparison to you, the BetaMax, she’s Steve Jobs’ personal iPhone. While you’re at home, watching a marathon of Lifetime movies with your 20-pound tub of popcorn and vat of Chunky Munky, there’s a chance the girl who knows the game, in the literal and figurative senses, is out watching and playing it with the guy you want or your man and his friends.

Monica Lewinsky, anyone? I bet she knows the difference between a fumble and an interception. I’m just saying… If you don’t, someone else will. Step your game up. Football season kicked in Saturday. You’re behind.

Sincerely,

Damon

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59 responses to “XXXIII. Women Who Don’t Watch Sports

  1. Damon you know I usually agree with you but I have to give this post a thumbs down for being extremely sexist (even if a lot of it is true). So a woman needs to learn and like sports to get/keep a man? Are men going to learn and like the intricacies of bargin shopping?

    I guess I’m just one of the lucky women that has a husband that isn’t insane about sports. He watches them regularly but not obessively and we have 2 tvs so if I don’t want to watch with him then I can go in the other room. I know the rules of football and basketball, I know the major players and I can follow a game with out needed to ask questions. I know these things because my father taught them to me and I’ve kept up so that I can join in on conversations that often occur in a male dominated workplace.

    If a man leaves you because you don’t like some sport then it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway and you’ve just saved yourself some time.

  2. It’s hard as hell to understand football, and I don’t want yaw to have to explain to me the game five times (I try not to get yaw frustrated)…

    But I do watch, I have no clue what’s going on… I’m watching butts in those tight pants and enjoying QT with my beau.

  3. And on the opposite side are the women (such as myself) who watch sportscenter, play fantasy football, and get super annoyed when someone calls them in the 4th quarter of her favorite teams game.

    I have had the unfortunate experience to meet men who are like, “Oh, I don’t follow sports that much.” I look at THEM as though they are the Loch Ness Monster… I thought you were an urban legend. 😉

    • “I thought you were an urban legend.”

      I wanna believe they are… LOL. But we all know they’re not. They amaze me, too. Most guys I hang around know sports…

      As a matter of fact, this weekend we spanned the range of sports from Venus & Serena all the way to the business side of UFC…

      • *** RED ALERT ***
        *** RED ALERT ***
        *** RED ALERT ***

        Blog Imposter, Alien Organism Detected!

        Damon. Please, at whatever cost, find this OneChele person and verify her sex as if she was on the South African 800m relay team!

        If she is real . . .send her to the cloning lab . . . IMMEDIATELY!

      • It was a great sports weekend, Tiger and the Williams sisters capped by that Miami/FSU joint last night. And the NFL kicks off this week?! I’m giddy.

        @Robert Weaver – I do exist in female form 😉 I was a daddy’s girl and daddy was about the sports.

    • Girl! I thought that was just me. My whole face gets all Scooby Dooed like, “arugh? You don’t watch sports?! Do you even have a d**k?!?!”

      I too am the girl that watches sports like a man, Sportscenter gets me hot an bothered and I WISH YOU WOULD call me during 4th quarter while my squad is playing. Luckily my phone gets ZERO reception at my sportsbar. Yeah, “My Sportsbar” as I am there EVERY Sunday holding it down during football season.

      IF you are going to implore women to learn sports just to please their men please also teach them to dress appropriately for the bar. (Chicks look like streetwalkers tryin to find a john in the sportsbar these days. Also and most especially, teach them to identify their own kind and NOT try and trash talk with REAL female fan. I hate having to embarass the female AND her dude when she gets to poppin off at the mouth about how my squad sucks or her squad is hot. If that Breeze can’t name 5 players and their positions for her (man’s) “team” after I’ve given her the first 3 keep her at home. Don’t clutter up my bar with their foolishness please and thank you!

  4. There are so many things wrong with this post. First, if a woman is taking out the time to actually ask her man about the game then that’s progress. I don’t care if she’s asked the same question 20 times, if she’s still caring enough to ask, then you should be happy. A lot of older women just leave their men to watch it and catch them when it’s over. Second, my man is not a sports buff but he does love boxing. I still ask him silly questions and he’s happy to answer me because he gets to talk about it and express his sentiment towards the fight. Third, if a man is trying to skip out on his chick for another chick that’s into sports then he needs to drop the first chick and be with the second one. How lame is it that a woman should be scared that her man is going to step out on her just because she can’t get into the game? There are things that men refuse to get into but that doesn’t mean we’re out kicking it with a man that does get into it. I like my man to shop with me, he doesn’t like to shop with me, I call my girlfriends…it’s that simple….Damon, rethink the tone of this, did this stem from my question about Mizzou this weekend while on the phone with you? lol!

  5. My wife understands hockey. I win.

  6. I will also add…

    -Ladies, never ask what the score is. Men already know not to ever ask that question. It is a direct violation of Man Law. The score is always located somewhere on the screen and it is the most annoying question ever.

    -If its looking like the game/match is intense, try to hold your questions till commercial or a break. Perhaps making some sort of anecdote will do but absolutely no questions. Requiring thought during a clutch situation will frustrate those involved.

    Also, I think you all above are taking this post the wrong way. No one is saying that you should become Peter Gammons/Dr Jack Ramsey/John Clayton, he’s just saying try to gauge if a situation is correct for questions and also take it among yourself to figure out. Sometimes during QT w/ the woman, I’m forced to watch America’s Best Dance Crew or Real Housewomen of Atlanta. Every now and then I’ll chime in w/ something anecdotal like “Man, that group is gay” or “Why are they so mean to the Anglo-Saxon?” but never “Why did they choose Atlanta” or “What’s her name” (esp when its located on the screen…)

    • The little comment about Monica Lewinsky was uncalled for, I’m sorry.

      And this comment: ‘there’s a chance the girl who knows the game, in the literal and figurative senses, is out watching and playing it with the guy you want or your man and his friends.’ also insinuates something uncalled for. My man also watches Days of Our Lives, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and some Lifetime movies with me but no one is making him watch and no one is going to hang out with another guy that does watch if their man doesn’t. That’s the stuff that has the women posters a little ticked….

    • @Oates: The knowing when to ask questions and what questions to ask isn’t the part of the post I have a problem with. My problem with the post is similar to the reason jlbd has a problem with it; the insinuation that you will get dropped or cheated on if you don’t know about/like sports. If a man would cheat or leave a woman solely based on the fact that he finds out she doesn’t like sports then he has some deeper problems. There are some make or break things when it comes to relationships but the love of sports? Really?

    • Eh, I took it as figuratively “drop” the woman. Most of the time, if my woman has no interest in watching the game she’s is more than free to do something else. I have no problem with that at all. I definitely wouldn’t take offense to that.

      Now if we are talking about going to an actual event then I would hope she wouldn’t act disinterested in it just like I would try not to for any plays, neo-soul concerts, or ballets.

      I do think that could be very detrimental to a relationship and cause some guys to start looking elsewhere.

    • @oates: Your entire last two sentences is high comedy, so you know…

      BTW, you enjoy the game this weekend? We had a good time at 810, as you already know…

      • The game was great! We whooped on some cats, made Kirk Herbstreit look like a fool and tailgating of course. I have now watched football in a dome so I can cross that off my list. I watched the Blue Jays play in April while I was in Canada in the dome and now football. I just need to go to a Chiefs game and a NBA game one of these days now…

        • As weird as it seems, that dome is one of the best places to watch a football game… I saw two straight openers there, including Brad’s coming out party.

          I also saw the preseason game there when Trent went down thanks to Rodney Harrison before Kurt Warner became Kurt Warner…

          I’m not sure there are too many bad seats in the building.

  7. I’d rather someone enjoy the things I enjoy because they truly enjoy them.

    I know that in a relationship there’s give and take. So that means doing things you don’t always want to do/would never do if not for your honey bunches of oats, but playing nice and enjoying are two different things.

    I think there are men out there who don’t mind a girl who doesn’t like sports, as long as she doesn’t give him crap for liking the sports he likes.

    Ftr: I love basketball and football. I HATE baseball. Hate, hate, hate. I’ve tried to like it but it bores me to TEARS. So if my boyfriend loves baseball, we’re in trouble. I’m not sitting through a whole game on TV and I’ll only go to a game if I can be promised beer and hot dogs in abundance.

    • @ASmith

      I can’t stand baseball either. Don’t get me wrong, I like going to the stadium and enjoying the ambiance of it all but watching the sport on tv is like singing me a lullaby. My fiance only watches basketball and football when it’s the playoffs and ironically that’s the only time I care about it as well…lol

      • @jlbd

        I’ll watch regular season games for both sports and do so intently, but come playoff time, it’s far more intense. That’s when it matters… I can always catch up on who lost to whom thanks to ESPN.com.

        I seem to be drawn to guys who like outdoors more than sports. I enjoy the outdoors, but moreso from a seated perspective. Hiking? No thanks. Camping? Absolutely.

      • Don’t you all be talking about baseball!!! Its America’s pasttime and the toughest sport on earth as noted by SportsScience!

    • @asmith: You’re outta my head again. As a matter of fact, you struck out of it. Baseball is my first love. smh…

      • @Damon

        I was hoping we could skip past this factoid. I mean, it’s football season. 🙂

        Did I mention that I’ve tried? Gosh, I’ve been trying since I was in 5th grade!! It just won’t take.

        The whole time I’m thinking to myself “Oh my goodness. THROW THE DAMN BALL ALREADY.”

  8. Well…it’s one thing to have a conversation with a man about sports – but the key is to make him believe that you really know what you’re talking about. If you’re cute enough to get away with an “A” for effort, go for it. But to have him respect your thoughts and input, be sure to really do your homework…

    All this from the gal who can talk about sports with any man (Thanks to the random conversations with my Daddy)…but is still single!! Lol!! 🙂

  9. I love me some sports! Ima sports freak. I don;t watch for the men…I watch for the game! I love having debates with guys about sports. I can hold my own! I’m fabulous LOL!

  10. I love me some sports! Ima sports freak. I don;t watch for the men…I watch for the game! I love having debates with guys about sports. I can hold my own! I’m fabulous LOL!

  11. @Kina.

    yes you are. can you make a sandwhich too? cause if that’s the case, I got a a couple friends i want to hook you up with if you’re single.

    But Ladies, please keep in mind there is an extent to how much you should be engaged in sports. For example, I don’t play NBA Live because I can’t handle someone who can’t shoot on a Jordan Jr. Jammer telling me all the stats, figures and ratings of players while whippin me on Playstation/XBox and the ensuing trash talking. Why? Cause I can play ball. After one or two losses I’m gonna be like, “foreal, we bout to lace em up so i can show you that this bball thing aint no game to me”. So, as a word of advice, don’t get too competitive on the sports watch/talk level or you might find yourself playing tackle in the backyard and your mate going Lawrence Taylor on that a$$

  12. I’m a woman who loves to watch sports too (there’s actually a lot of us). My fav used to be basketball, but it was over after my first Mizzou fb game. Game stole my heart away. I still try and follow college bball, but it’s not as intense as when I first got to Mizzou. Also might have something to do with the team breaking my heart with all that foolishness. Anyway, I also try to learn about a new sport once and awhile. I tried NASCAR, volleyball, and this past year soccer. That one’s gonna stick. Soccer is a spectacular game, and I hope it continues to grow in the U.S.

    That being said, I have a question for the mens. Of the woman who likes sports, what about the danger of entering “the friend zone”? Where the guy automatically sees her as one of the boys. I want to enjoy sports with you, but I don’t wanna be looked at as your little sister either.

    ALSO men, what about when a girl knows more about sports than you? Do you get intimidated? I’m not in danger of this happening, cuz I don’t know the history of sports as much as I should, but I always wonder.

    • is there a such thing as an uncommitted (not married) guy putting a girl in the “friend zone” male. dude’s don’t put women in the “friends zone”, women make it very clear to men that they will just be friends. one night of inappropriate flirting + alcohol + loss of inhibition + empty starewell will get you out the friend zone.

      I don’t know if you’ll ever know that much more than a guy . . .and if you do . . that’s his fault. shun him for the chump that he is .

    • Co-signature.

      If a guy is willing to spend time with you, hold conversations with you, spend money on you etc. then he has already contemplated having sex with you. Not to sound all sexist but its true. Guys don’t search for female friends, guys become friends with females who won’t let them be anything else.

      Oh and if you know more than me. No intimidation. I will humbly go home and study Sports Center until my heart is content.

  13. oh D, i’m a lil torn on the post but i can relate. for me it’s NCAA fball & bball. i don’t even ask if a man likes college sports ’cause i’ve realized i get an awkward taste in my mouth when he can’t even name a team besides the trojans. i feel as long as i can make an attempt at trying to enjoy what my mate’s interested in, i should earn brownie points.
    and kudos to you for finding the pic of the oregon player fist-2-face. great shot.

    • @nn: You get points for simply knowing what the picture is about… Although, i know you know your college football…

      • on another note. dude shouldn’t have got a whole season. that’s blasphemy. that’s another blog though (i can guest write that one for you . . . it’ll be long as heck cause it’ll start with the first black athlete coming over on the first ship).

        • but i mean are u shocked? really? gotta keep dem unruly apes in their cages /places! (yes i did just go there ’cause the players are treated like animals on display until they need some actual LIFE coaching, then heaven-forbid their proclaimed team leaders step up and fulfill their role)
          i’m just sad once i heard the player was a senior who now prolly blew his chances for getting drafted. but heck, judging by the slow replay of the punch he could become a boxer ’cause that hook was sumthin’ serious, LMAO!

  14. Hey, y’all.

    I enjoy watching sports on TV with my husband & our friends but I prefer going to the sporting events. In my opinion, there’s a big difference between watching at home, at a friend’s watch party or at a sports bar and actually being there. It’s hard not to enjoy a game when you’re actually there.

    I like baseball but I prefer watching baseball games in person to watching them on TV. Every now and then I’ll watch ’em on TV but I refuse to listen to them on the radio. I had an old aunt who would listen to baseball on the radio while cooking and it drove me bananas.

    While I prefer going to games, I have not been enthusiastic enough to sit outside in freezing weather for a football game…maybe some day, no, let me stop lying…probably never. I wouldn’t even stand outside for hours for an after Thanksgiving/Black Friday sale in the cold and I love shopping. I hate the cold.

  15. I refuse to go out with a man who doesn’t appreciate football and basketball, at least. I’m not a huge baseball fan, but I enjoy attending games. I’ll watch Venus and Serena play, but not a big tennis fan either. I was at a loss all summer because it was the lull between basketball and football. But now the sun is shining again because NFL season is getting under way. Whenever I can find a Rams game, put me on your “Do Not Call” list. Please and Thanks 🙂

  16. how did i miss this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i have a meeting be back in 35 mins..or i may be able to sneak and read while i roll my eyes

  17. “Those of you who still don’t quite get this, befuddle me. I know your breed isn’t necessarily dying a quick death. But still, I don’t understand why you won’t conform to the male societal norms.”

    You know I tried ONCE..i was even thinking about taking this class some lady offered online about football 101.

    I will say this though, it is A MUST that the man i date, marry etc. love sports. I really give men a sideeye when they can’t call at least one particular sport his favorite. I dated a guy ONCE who did watch football. So on Sunday or Monday evening he would be all up in my “me” time.

    I’m not one of those women who “pretends” to like sports. I just stay in my line. I don’t really have the patience or the understanding for it so I get lost. Now I will say my mother is a FANATIC…actually my whole family is a football family.

    I just usually go and find something else to do..per their request LOL…because I ask “too many questions.”

    • “I dated a guy ONCE who DIDNT watch football”..in fact he didn’t watch any sports at all.

    • “You know I tried ONCE..i was even thinking about taking this class some lady offered online about football 101. ”

      @cbg: This makes me think of Holly Robinson Peete’s book, Get Your Own D@mn Beer. I’m Watching the Game. 😉

    • @thecbg: That your moms and fam actually are football fanatics and it escaped you is amazing… If i lived in DC, I’d probably find some way to force football on you and teach you about the game. Alas, I don’t. But I believe some man will, some day, get through to you. Especially considering that it’s in your bloodlines.

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