If you’re paying attention at all, you know that the 80s are making a comeback. I’m not a fan. We keep reaching back when we’re supposed to be moving forward. You watched the second film in the Back to the Future trilogy. You know we’re supposed to be traveling on hover boards in six years.
You also know that’s not gonna happen. Why not?
Because we’re a world full of backward thinkers who want to bring back old stuff and make it chic. Some of it’s OK. Most of it ain’t. That said, here are a few things I believe we should leave buried in the late 20th Century time capsule (80s & 90s).
1. Biking shorts, specifically on men. Skinny jeans are bad enough. Why would anyone need to wear anything tighter? If I see a man running around in biking shorts in the near future, I might just jump. I think I had a pair in the 80s, and I’m glad there isn’t a picture to prove it.
2. The Fanny Pack. If you tell me that you didn’t own/wear one at some point, you’re lying. We all did and I still have no clue why. The only thing I ever remember putting in mine of any importance were Starburst chews and change for more candy.
3. Light Skinned Men. Sorry, Al B. Sure and friends. You had your run in the sun. Too bad you didn’t get any darker. The consensus is that no one wants you back round these parts. (Note: I didn’t come up with this one. but it made me laugh and makes good sense.)
4. The Jheri Curl. I’m sorry, but your soul should “glo” through your smile and your deeds, not the stains that your head leaves on couches. I’m glad Eddie Murphy saw fit to parody this in Coming To America because we needed to understand just how absurd that trend was for it to end.
5. Silk and/or Rayon. If someone you know throws a 90s party and you were either of these fabrics, you’re doomed. They were in style for like five minutes because it only took three minutes for everyone to find out where your worst sweat glands were located.
6. Cassette Tapes. I know someone, somewhere is plotting to pull their first Walkman out of storage and start walking around with it like it’s a throwback iPod. Vinyl became chic again because of the sound. Cassettes and Walkmans don’t stand a chance unless someone figures out a better way than using a pencil or pen to rewind tape after it’s been inadvertantly strung out of the cassette.
7. Neon. Unless you’re riding a bike after dark, there’s no reason for you to wear any clothing with neon. Ever. Yet, it’s a part of this retro trend. Why? Do people really want to look back at 2009 and laugh at what they wore the way we look at 1989? I don’t get it.
Iknow I’m missing plenty. What do you hope we leave in the 20th Century?