The Costume Can’ts

Ed’s Note: I’m back. Thanks for all the e-mails, tweets, messages and comments.

The only thing I’ve ever been as an adult for Halloween is an “angry black man” in 2005 (I wore a t-shirt with a massive middle finger on it). Suffice if to say, I’m not a costume person. I can’t remember a single Halloween costume I ever had as a child.  I had a few when I was young. But I don’t remember them. I do remember spending most Halloweens at church, collecting candy, apples and random stuff I’d never eat like walnuts. But we didn’t wear costumes.

The more I think about it, I don’t even recall wanting to dress up. In fact, I think I couldn’t wait to become an “adult” so that people around me would stop wearing costumes. My parents never did so I figured other adults wouldn’t, either. Then I grew up, went to a 1,000-person Halloween party at in 2004 and realized how wrong I was and resigned myself to the fact that adults like to play dress up, too.

Johnny Damon's caveman/white Jesus look was the overdone costume of 2004. Seriously, women and men got in on the act.

Johnny Damon's caveman/white Jesus look was the overdone costume of 2004. Seriously, women and men got in on the act.

I’d guesttimate that 95.3 percent of the adults at that 2004 party wore costumes. I, obviously, was in the minority. About 28 percent of the majority were dressed like Johnny Damon, who was leading the Boston Red Sox to their first World Series in nearly 100 years. He also looked like a caveman.

I guess people felt it necessary to play on “the hot thing” at the moment. I’m hoping that isn’t the case this year. That said, here are a few Halloween costumes idea I don’t care to see come Friday or Saturday.

1. Bernard Madoff. I don’t get why people are buying Madoff’s mask. There’s nothing humorous about him or the costume idea. If you’re about to rob a bank or mansion, wearing this mask might earn you a style point or two (It might also get you a cell somewhere near Bernie). But that’s the only time it should ever be used. Alas, Madoff is apparently a hit this year. What kind of message is that sending?

2. The unsexy “sexy” woman. We all know that some women like to use Halloween as an excuse to wear next to nothing and call it a “costume.” That’s fine. Just actually be sexy. If you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rosie O’Donnell, you should make a better decision and cover up. People will talk about you.

3. Kim Zolciak or NeNe. I don’t watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta. But I did catch these two on Jimmy Kimmel last week. And I think I saw something on Twitter about Kim calling NeNe a moose. After see them on Kimmel side by side, all I could think to myself was “wow, it takes one to no one.” They both reminded me of cross-dressers, which leads me to this…

4. Madea or any man who isn’t a regular cross-dresser cross-dressing. It’s just not cool. Enough said.

5. Richard in a Box. The novelty has worn off of this one. Besides, it’s supposed to be a Christmas present anyway.

6. Balloon Boy. Not an hour into that balloon taking flight, people were talking about making this into a costume. For what? So you can walk around in aluminum foil-covered cardboard? So you’ll be seen in what will be deemed the most uncreative, attention-seeking get-up of the evening? You’d be better off draping a red bedsheet around your neck and calling yourself Superman. If I see someone dressed as that balloon, I’ll pray that they be launched through the Ozone layer dressed as said balloon.

What costume are you hopeful you don’t see this weekend?


10 responses to “The Costume Can’ts

  1. @Richard in a Box


    Here lies jlbd, D.O.A. @ approximately 8:15 am 10/26/2009….

  2. The fair-skinned Michael Jackson…unless you are actually fair-skinned

    Kanye West….I’m officially done with the “I’ma let you finish” jokes

    Dracula….vampires are okay, but the traditional Dracula costume with the cape is played out

  3. Damon, we can be friends forever.

    I have no love for Halloween. I support people who enjoy the holiday, but for me it’s ridiculous. I’ve never dressed up for Halloween (my mom was super anti-Halloween, and when I got old enough to make my own decisions, I just didn’t see the point) and like you figured that by the time we all hit 20-something everyone would let it go. Obviously I was wrong.

    I’m actually planning to be incognegro this weekend, but should that change and I venture out, I don’t want to see any of those illegal alien costumes. That’s too ignorant to be funny.

  4. The last time I went out for Halloween was back in the mid-’90s. Went to the local bar as it packed to capacity with freaks playing dress-up (went as self). Whatever’s popular these days will have some sort of costume, I guess…

  5. Being in Nashville, I pray I don’t see a Steve McNair/Sahel Kazemi costume… but hell, I will. #kanyeshrug

  6. I have to agree with the unsexy dressing up in one of the sexy “insert in anything here” costumes. Last year I saw someone dressed like a “sexy” bumblebee but she looked like a bloated beetle. NOT CUTE!

    I won’t be attending any costume parties so hopefully I’ll miss all of the inappropriate costumes this year. I just hope we don’t have any more of those white people dressing up like slaves incidents this year.

  7. I read that Lady Gaga and Octomom are supposed to be popular costumes this year. They are both a big don’t.

    I have never gotten into Halloween either. I have never had a costume and I have never been trick or treating. My father is a pastor and didn’t encourage it(sometimes we gave out candy though).

    I also went to a Christian elementary school. We celebrated All Saints Day(the day after Halloween). One year we had to dress like someone we considered to be a saint. So, I went as my father. I wore one of my bro’s old suits along with a pair of penny loafers. I was a hit!

    I never felt left out b/c my mother is a teacher and always had excess candy left over from from Halloween parties.

  8. I’m so late but I hope I don’t see a Kate Gosselin wig.

  9. during undergrad i went to a red carpet themed halloween party. i went as monique’!

    this year i WAS thinking about going as bender (futurama) but i dont want people to think im going as the ballon boy. if i do dress up, it’ll be something so obscure yet awesome.

  10. @mr. smart guy re: steve mcnair/sahel costume would just be so wrong on so many ways

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