Phillips, Hundley and Looks

No letter today. Just a little rant…

There’s a small part of me that feels bad for Steve Phillips’ old jumpoff. Don’t get too worked up, though, because by “small part” I mean something that’s probably the equivalent of a toenail.

I feel bad because Brooke Hundley has been roasted like a stuffed pig on this Internet ever since the story of her affair with Phillips broke last week. Well, that’s not true. She’s been roasted like a stuffed pig ever since pictures of her began circulating the Internet.

I’ve refrained from talking bad about her looks while blasting her childish actions. But I’ve chuckled at Hundley’s expense thanks to Page Six’s choice of verbiage concerning her and the comments that have littered the Web. There are some ruthless people out there. But they have a point: Hundley makes Monica Lewinsky look like the ideal Playboy playmate.

stevephillips

Steve Phillips, the baseball guy and broadcaster who's making headlines because of his extramarital affair.

From her looks alone, there are many people wondering how in the world Phillips — a man with some reasonable amount of fame, fortune and a beautiful (soon-to-be ex-)wife — could chose such an unsightly jumpoff. I actually engaged in a Twitter debate with Peyso, who frequents TMCY and writes weekly over at SSSO, concerning this.

I was trying to explain to Peyso that men tend to find lesser women to play the role of the other woman, and that Phillips choice of Hundley shouldn’t be all that surprising. After all, Phillips was just looking to get laid. He wasn’t concerned with whom, or else he wouldn’t have been so careless as to choose someone who’d be naive enough to believe that he’d want a real relationship with her and pull the stunts he pulled.

Toward the end of the discussion, Peyso asked me this: If your significant other were to ever cheat on you, wouldn’t you want that other person to look better than you? Wouldn’t that make you feel better?

An interesting query.

When it comes down to it, I wouldn’t care what the other guy looked liked or what he did. I’ll admit that there was a time — long ago — when that type of stuff may have mattered some. But at this point in life, it’s inconsequential. I see stuff like cheating and adultry in black and white. That said, I don’t think we should be paying that much attention to Hundley’s looks and comparing them to his wife, either (But this is America. She looks terrible and this is what we do).

Here’s why: Comparing oneself — be it looks, education, earning potential or social status — to the competition is one of the most frivolous things we do as people. When you start trying to understand why someone decides to go outside of his/her relationship, the primary place you need to search is the guilty party within the relationship.

Too often people get caught up in that game of “How could he go there with her when I am/look 20 times better than her?” when the question mark in the query should come after the word “there.”

There are enough potential answers to the question when it ends with “there,” and you multiply the the possiblities by an infinite number when you add the other ten words to it. You could spend months, if not years, trying to piece together a pointless puzzle of blue sea.

Or you could just understand that some people, like Steve Phillips, have issues and need to get it in outside of their relationship/marriage for whatever reason excuse, and keep it moving. I know it’s not that easy, but doesn’t it seem like it could/should be that simple?

I don’t know. These are just my thoughts. Am I off here? Why does this stuff tend to matter so much? Let’s discuss…

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23 responses to “Phillips, Hundley and Looks

  1. I think it’s very clear why it matters. We are visual creatures and the only thing we will zero in on with a situation like this is how the other person “looks”. Society tends to not care about emotional or s3xual needs that may cause a person to stray because those things aren’t important especially when it comes to a marriage in which the wife or husband is highly attractive and appears to be ‘loving’ as it is. I know for a fact that if my future husband cheated on me, the jump-off needs to look better than me for me to halfway understand. If she doesn’t look better than me, it makes me take a long look at myself and wonder what I ‘did’ wrong, or if I stopped ‘pleasing’ him at some point. But, as we know, especially with men, sometimes all they care about is getting that freaky side tail that will do whatever they want. Reasons behind it are that sometimes the ‘beautiful’ wife is a total prude or doesn’t go above and beyond to be his personal porn star. Men are physical creatures and will bang out anything with a hole in a skirt (sorry Damon, I know you aren’t like this…lol). I’ll say this and I’ll leave it at this, I was cheated on once years ago and the chick that he was messing around with he ended up marrying (I’ll reserve my feelings on why he chose to marry her, I don’t think it had anything to do with love). She was a cute chick overall but I felt that compared to me she was average. But, I had to accept the fact that he wasn’t with me or her for our ‘looks’ it was due to something entirely different all together…

    • “Men are physical creatures and will bang out anything with a hole in a skirt.”

      and

      “the jump-off needs to look better than me for me to halfway understand.”

      Aren’t these two things contradictory in a way? If a man will bang anything with a hole in a skirt (I agree that most guys will), doesn’t that mean that if he cheats on you there’s a great chance he’s going to downgrade?

      • Yeah, it is contradictory for sure. But, that’s how the mind works. As humans we want to believe that even though he smashed out another chick, her good looks are what drew him in and he couldn’t contain himself. When it’s a busted chick, it’s like…’huh!?’….lmao!

  2. Firstly, I enjoyed your use of “query” in this rant.

    I have been guilty of playing the “how could he do that with a girl who looks so much worse?” game with friends who have been wronged. I think it’s a coping mechanism.

    In fact, my ex-boyfriend dated a guy (that’s a whole other story/issue) who, in my opinion, is not that cute and not at all who I would’ve expected him to be with, of any gender.

    We’re all friends here, so I’ll be honest:
    I was no longer friends with him on facebook, but a number of my friends still were, so I had one go search out a pic of the new guy. The title of the e-mail she sent to me was “yuck” and he is not a looker, at all. She, a number of other friends and I all had the “he could’ve at least gotten a cute guy…” conversation and looking back on it, I’m sure it was just a coping thing for me, and their way of being supportive (especially considering the elephant in the room).

    When a significant other cheats, I think it’s human nature to wonder “What’s so wrong with me?” and we go for the obvious like looks, wondering if maybe we don’t look good enough (which, in and of itself, speaks to the greater issue, not considering the wide range of potential issues) and when we see the jumpoff, and he/she is not “up to par” we are insulted.

    Damon, I don’t think you’re off at all; I think you’re ahead of most people in your thinking. If a person can start to deal with the real issue at hand instead of picking at the things that don’t matter (like looks) a relationship might have a chance at being saved.

    • @ASmith

      Ok, if my significant other decided to cheat with someone of the same gender I wouldn’t give a crap how the other person looked, the end all be would have been that they don’t even like my gender! lmao! I’m sorry, I hope you don’t get offended…

      • @jlbd

        LOL. I’m not offended at all.

        He didn’t cheat on me with a guy. He came out of the closet and that’s why we broke up; it was almost a year later when he started dating this guy.

        However, like you said, if he had cheated on me with a guy the least of my worries would’ve been what he looked like. I think for me, however, I was still trying to deal with (even a year after he was in a new relationship) everything that happened immediately after he came out of the closet/his attempts to get back in my life and so one thing I did was pick at how “not cute” his boyfriend was, since by then I had gone on and on about how I didn’t care that he was gay, I was just upset that he’d lied about it for so long (blah, blah, blah).

        Pure coping strategy. The bitter ex- in me was still pissed as hell, but the “adult” in me wanted to be supportive and was a bit embarrassed at how upset I was.

        • @ASmith

          Honestly, I can see your position on this. You obviously had feelings for him regardless of him masking his true desires to be with a man. It still hurts no matter how the situation turns out. Honestly, I can see how it may even hurt more than if it was another woman. I might be like “dang!, I turned you off so bad you needed another MAN!” lmao! But, I’m just ignorant like that….

          • @jlbd

            We can be ignorant together, because I think in one of my “freak-out” moments, I said something very similar to that. But my ex- and I had major issues outside of his sexuality, anyway. That was just something neither of us could (continue to) ignore like we’d been ignoring the other issues.

    • @asmith:

      Idk … I’ve used as a coping mechanism with friends to help them through issues (breakups, cheating, etc.) before. But the weird thing that you learn is that there really is no coping in that regard because it almost never makes sense through that lense.

      But it still doesn’t keep people from going there…

  3. I do believe that it when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter how the “other man/woman” looks or what material things they have because the real issues is why did your S.O. cheat. I feel that in most cases people don’t cheat because the other person looks better, they cheat because of emotional reasons. (Unless the man is just a straight up whore or the woman is looking to move on to someone with deeper pockets.)
    In reality, it is always difficult being the one who was cheated on and as you look to make sense of it, visable things are the easiest to identify. Being able to justify(in your mind) you being cheated on because the other person looked better or has more than you probably gives some people a little comfort.

    • @tam: I get it. It’s just a weird way to comfort oneself in such a situation… I don’t see how that wouldn’t make people feel even worse because they don’t look “good enough.” idk…

  4. I think it goes w/o saying that we wouldnt want to be cheated on, regardless of how the other person looks. However, if cheating was inevitably going to occur, I would rather that the SO cheated on me with someone more attractive. Yes the cheater is wrong, and the cheatee (is that what the person who gets cheated on is called?) will realize this. However, I think it is human nature to internalize some of the blame for the failing of the relationship. And because of this I think it would be easier to process that they cheated on me b/c of something that I lacked physically rather than a serious character flaw.

    • @peyso: Interesting. Wouldn’t it be easier to process that they’re screwed up and you can’t fix them rather than blaming yourself for their shortcomings at all?

      I do understand that people like to search themselves out when a relationship goes awry and look for what they’ve done wrong. But can’t it just be that the other person has some major issues, like Steve Phillips has?

  5. I guess the hypothetical guy that my wife cheats with better be good looking so he can be a pretty corpse.

    @D adultry is spelled adultery. 🙂

  6. Hey, y’all.

    @Damon: Glad to have you up & running again on TMCY. 😉 Good post. I’ve also seen a lot of the mean comments on Twitter. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have expected the backlash and that she doesn’t deserve it but many of the comments are mean and I think this shows just how important looks are to people in general.

    I agree with you; I would be extremely hurt, disappointed & upset regardless of how the other woman looks if my husband were to cheat on me but I’m sure I would definitely wonder (and probably even ask) what she looks like and what she has (or what she SEEMED to have) over me. What she had or did that I didn’t have or do. I think these are natural questions but I don’t think having the answers would soften the blow one way or the other. Drop dead gorgeous or understated beauty, it would all come down to the same thing…I was cheated on. So, while these questions may arise, the basic fact would remain and I’m not sure that knowing whether she was more or less attractive than me, would offer any comfort or ease the pain…but that’s just me.

    • @Shawnta’

      I think you’re absolutely right. It’s human nature and I think, for women at least, we feel like if she’s prettier than us we can say “oh, well obviously it was her good looks that drew him in, not that there’s something wrong with how I am as a girlfriend/wife/whatever…”

      Typing that out made me pause, but I think that’s really what it is.

      • “we can say “oh, well obviously it was her good looks that drew him in, not that there’s something wrong with how I am as a girlfriend/wife/whatever…””

        @asmith: It is a pause moment. If you look at the two things I pointed out in JLBD’s first comment, you’ll understand my pause. I think there are too many guys who cheat because they want to get their rocks off period, and they don’t care who it is. They’re just looking for a hole. Not that I don’t think that cheating can be deeper than that, but a lot of times I think it’s a simple as that. idk…

        • Absolutely, Damon. Absolutely.

          I think women have a harder time wrapping our minds around how physical it can be for men and that’s why we look to these petty things. We sorta think to ourselves “why in the world would you sleep with her when you can sleep with me?” when it’s not about us at all. Not even a little bit.

    • @Shawnta’

      You are exactly right….honestly, nothing would make me feel better about it, even if she was a 11 on a 1-10 scale….cheating hurts, bottom line…

  7. Long story short-I was in a situation where I was the other woman. I didn’t know it at the time. I found out the man I was seeing was engaged. Since I am friends with his sister(we made her promise to stay out of our relationship which is why she didn’t tell me) the first thing I did was get her to show me a picture. I thought she was nice looking, kinda average. But if she had been gorgeous I still don’t think I would have felt better.

    The second thing I did was get his sister to describe the girl in terms of career, family, personality, etc. I still didn’t feel better b/c my ex pretty much told me I wasn’t good enough for him. When I found out that she was in a more “lowly state” than I and she was one of those argumentative, snooping, never happy types I was glad and more than happy to move on with my life. I felt like he was getting what he deserved for all that lying.

  8. Damon,

    I’m gonna tell you like my 6 once told me when we were discussing why dudes cheat on their women with terrible chicks:

    “Hey man, if your gonna go down to the minor leagues, the least you can do is bat for a higher average.”

  9. What is missing from this post and comments is that sometimes people start cheating not for the looks and the sex. Sometimes they find somebody they can talk to and vibe with and don’t care how they look and after a while, the vibe turns sexual. The mind is the most erogenous zone in the human body after all.

    So it’s actually worse if the person isn’t great to look at because chances are feelings are involved. You may be able to forgive someone for “just sex” with drop dead gorgeous specimen of humankind but actually having feelings and vibing wih someone else… that cuts deep.

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