47. Levi Johnston

Dear Levi,

I know you didn’t exactly plan this whole pseudo-celebrity thing that you have going. You kind of happened into it — like Sarah Palin — thanks to Sen. John McCain picking Palin as a running mate in the latest presidential election.

The irony of a Republican’s child having a/your child out of wedlock gave you a springboard of sorts into many American homes. Now, like your child’s grandmother, you find yourself trying to remain relevant.

mccain-bristol-palin-levi-johnston

Levi, Bristol and the man who made all of this possible.

You’re whoring yourself out for television time and are telling anyone who will listen that you can ruin Palin. You even have a Playgirl centerfold lined up. All of this is in an attempt to build yourself an acting and modeling career. It’s the reality show flunkie’s route to “success” come to life.

Truth be told, though, you could learn a little something from Palin. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a dull tool. But in this scheduled interview with Oprah today, Palin’s about to show you how family should act in the public eye. She’s not going to blast you whatsoever. In fact, she’s inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, she’d be absolutely idiotic to aim the shots she takes at the mainstream media at you. There’s nothing for her to gain and she’d come across as Cruella de Vil’s twin sister if she fought you in the media. But for you, there’s seems to be plenty and that’s why you’re out there talking, when you need to be off hunting deer, playing Modern Warfare 2 or, better yet, changing diapers.

But there’s also plenty for you to lose. Your chatterboxing could lead to irreparable damage with the mother of your child and her family. It’s obvious that you don’t have what’s most important, your son, aligned as though he’s most important. Derailing Sarah Palin’s train, as much as most of us want to witness it, isn’t a wise move when considering your child.

You need to refocus your efforts and concentrate on making sure you have a sound relationship with Bristol, whether you’re with her or not. You two have 18-plus years of child rearing child to do together. Having spite and envy come between you two because of a war of words you launched into the public isn’t exactly the best way to rear a child.

If your son is most important to you as you say, you’ll find yourself spending more time at diaper-changing stations, and less of it in front of television cameras hurling threats at the Palins. It’s just not becoming, even for a 19-year-old kid father who somehow sees it as his shot at stardom.

Go home,

Damon

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8 responses to “47. Levi Johnston

  1. lmao! I’m kind of curious to see his Playgirl spread, after that he can definitely go somewhere else…

    • @jlbd: Why are you curious about the Playgirl spread? Are you in the 10th grade in 1988? You act like you ain’t never seen a man before. lol. (I had to…)

      • @Damon,

        It’s not really about me seeing a ‘man’ and his goods, it’s about me seeing Levi Johnston and his goods so that I can talk smack and/or admire, depending on what he has to offer. I mean, honestly, you’ve seen a woman’s body before, but I’m sure you wouldn’t mind looking at a pic of Bristol Palin spread eagle. It’s not about seeing the cooch, but moreso about seeing ‘her’ cooch….got it????

        • Oh, I get it… I just don’t understand why he’s worth it…

          And I’m sorry, I’m cool on Bristol. I don’t care how old she is, that’s like looking at a 14-year-old…

  2. have you seen his pistachio commercial? priceless and made me cringe all at the same time.

  3. He’s like K-Fed: No discernible talent and only famous for knocking someone up. He grosses me out.

  4. wait HOW did he get a playgirl spread (spread hehehe) and i didn’t know that playgirl was still relevant. did i miss a memo?

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