Nope, Still Not Black

Ed’s Note: If you would like to send a donation to support Haiti, Direct Relief International is sending emergency aid.

We left off on Monday with a link to Rod Blagojevich’s successful attempt at wide-ranging stupidity. Blago believes that he’s blacker that President Obama and Mark McGwire thinks the steroids he admitted to taking didn’t help him hit home runs. Yup, that’s freedom of foolishness for you.

But as we all know, there is a major difference between stupidity and ignorance. Blago wants every bit of attention he can get so that he can stay relevant. That’s the only reason he would say something so stupid. Still, I want to humor him and his “shoe shining makes me black” past for a good reason.

There are plenty of non-blacks lurking around this planet who believe there are things that will bring them closer to being something they could never be — negro.

Well, being the good guy that I am, I thought I’d point out a few of those things specifically. So hear are 5 Things A Non-Black Can Do Or Have That Still Won’t Make Them Black. Hey, we’re here to educate, people.

1. An Affinity for Prince Akeem. Coming to America is the one film that is universally loved by blacks that non-blacks tend to attach themselves to as well. But just because you can quote the Akeem and Semmi’s lines and hit every note in “Queen To Be” better than I can doesn’t make you blacker than me.

2. Dating/Marrying A Black Person. You may produce a black child (see: Your President). You may even gain some insights and perspective into the inner-workings of a black life — like the importance of lotion. But having a relationship with a black person doesn’t make you black. It just makes a non-black with a better perspective of blackness.

3. Immersing yourself in the latest hip hop vernacular and trends. There are plenty of people who believe that by keeping up with hip hop culture that they’re a part of the black experience. Knowing what the “trap” is or the various meanings of the word “jumpoff” is great. That just makes you better versed. Not black. And stop saying Fiddy or Fitty Cent. He, nor anyone in his circle, say either one of those.

4. Being comfortable as the only non-black in a room full of black people. Nope. Just makes you understand the level of comfort a black person must achieve if he/she wishes to achieve anything in this country.

5. Going to prison. For whatever reason, going to the lock-up has become something that is supposed to “authenticate” one’s blackness. Some people are actually happy to go. That’s backasswards, and I think that once he finishes the sentence he’s destined to serve we should ask Blago if it makes him feel any blacker.



12 responses to “Nope, Still Not Black

  1. Great list! I especially agree with #2: I was just in a situation where someone with a black “baby daddy” tried to act like they knew more the minds of black people than me. o_O

    I’d also add the following:
    – Attending an HBCU

    -Joining a NPHC organization (on that note happy Founder’s Day to all my DST sorors!)

    -Majoring in or taking an African American history course.

  2. I will add growing up in the ghetto. For some reason I’ve met a great deal of whites that feel like their experience with the school of the ‘hard knocks’ makes them blacker or gives them a pass to act and say things that may be offensive to unassuming blacks. I have a co-worker that grew up in the rough parts of Cleveland and she always likes to flex her expertise on ‘blackness’ Newsflash: There are PLENTY of black folks that know NOTHING about ‘hood life.

    And another one: Your love for MJ does not make you any blacker than the next person. Sure, he turned whiter and whiter over the years, but genetically he was just as black as me or the next black person.

  3. Being able to cook.
    Being able to cook soul food.
    Being Sicilian.
    Having black friends.
    Doing community service in black neighborhoods.
    Working in black neighborhoods.

  4. Please add: If you are non-black, having a nickname like “Shorty” or “Killa Steve” doesn’t make you black. It could, however, make you cast member for Jersey Shore. Lastly, if you have black friends, and their parents love you and call you “son” or “daughter”, it doesn’t make you black, it just makes you a part of the family.

  5. The love of soul food and/or Caribbean food

    Also for those looking to donate to Haiti, another good organization to donate money to is The Global Orphan Project.

    Donations can be sent to

    ATTN: Haiti Relief Fund
    Global Orphan Project
    3000 NW 50th Street
    Kansas City, MO 64150

    Check out the website and sign up for email updates and hey will keep you informed of whats going on in Haiti. I vouch for this organization because I know most of the people that work there personally, and many of them attend my church.

  6. I work with a white girl that believes 2,3, and 4 make her black. It takes everything in me every single day not to hurt her.

    Although I DID check her for making the comment, “girl you talk white…” and telling me I must be white because I don’t know what a “cook up pot” is. Now she knows to stay away from me and keep her mouth shut.

  7. I’d also like to add:

    * The movie “Friday” goes on the list of films that don’t make turn non-blacks a shade darker.

    * Adopting a black child. Just because you not only know the importance of lotion (as D.Scott so eloquently put it) but also the wonders of Bronner Brothers Miracle Gro, these things don’t make you an expert on the black experience.

  8. I have some that I can add based on a guy that grew up in my neighborhood:

    1. Wear do-rags
    2. Smoke Black and Milds
    3. Listen to “Banging on Wax” by the Bloods and Crips (
    4. Rap
    5. Talk s**t while playing basketball (or playing ball in general)
    6. Listen to Old School Soul records (RIP Teddy Pendergrass BTW)
    7. Know the jokes from Def Comedy Jam/ComicView

  9. Going to Africa, falling in love with the culture and all the “cute African kids” and then coming back with braids.

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