64. People Who Wear Shades Indoors

Note: I’m running this now because I counted five people with sunglasses on indoors Friday night, among other things, in a room darker than a movie theater.

Dear People Who Wear Shades Indoors:

There is a logical reason or two that explains why some people wear sunglasses indoors. You should be smart enough to figure them out. But we can’t be certain of that, though. Seriously, you think it’s makes good sense to wear sunglasses indoors. So I’ll give you a hint. Try singing: “No-No-No-NOTORIOUS” or “That girl thinks that she’s so fine, that soon she’ll have my mind.”

Then there are celebs who think they’ve earned the right to be so fake that they can wear Aviators to disguise their true emotions in clubs, on television and in any other situation they warrant. These people think they are fresh to def. But they are the ones you should be avoiding as though they reek of an alley trash container.

Yet, you don’t evade them. No, you choose to replicate their blinding foolishness. I say none of this to belittle you.

Biggie Smalls had justification for wearing shades indoors. You or I likely don't.

But what good does wearing sunglasses inside do you if you lose 90 percent of your visibility? Do you do it because you think it makes you look *ahem* better? Sorry, it can’t help that much. Or does blinding yourself from society’s ills help you turn your swag on?

I don’t get it. It’s not like you’re about to rob a bank or gas station. If you are, wearing your shades indoors makes good sense. But I can think of few other situations where it does.

I’ll admit it. I once wore shades everywhere — inside and out — for a week. But only because I caught an eye infection after leaving my contacts in overnight in the 10th grade. Wearing sunglasses was the only way I could open my eyes without excruciating pain. When my eyes healed, off came the shades.

But you all? There’s one thing that’s evident from your appearance: A blaring insecurity. It permeates through your sunglasses as though you were Cyclops from X-Men sans his protective shades. Remember, though, he has a condition. If he exposes his eyes he causes irreparable damage like Medusa.

You are neither Cyclops nor Medusa. Unveiling your pupils will only help you make eye contact and potentially meet new people. You might even catch the eye of that man or woman you’ve been hoping would notice you. By night’s end she might call you Big Poppa or he might call you his Cherie Amour.

Then again, since you’ve taken off your shades, you may realize that that woman/man isn’t halfway as appealing to your naked eye as you thought she/he was when your visibility was at 10 percent. That doesn’t even account for the beer goggles you’re likely wearing in said club.

See, I’m trying to help you find your true love, and it’s unlikely in your current state. Actually, it’s probably not happening in any club, anytime soon.

Anyway, I just hope you took off your shades to read this. Reading with sunglasses on inside seems as though it could be as senseless as challenging Mike Tyson to a fistfight while you’re in a straitjacket.

Sincerely,

Damon

What’s one thing people do in the club setting that irks you to no end?