RE: 1. Facebook Friend Purgatory

Ed’s Note: This weekend I looked in my e-mail inbox, and found this: A response from the one person who keeps me in Facebook Friend Purgatory. Figured I’d share.

Dear Damon,

Browsing through some friends’ Facebook pages a few months ago, I happened upon your letter to me. I know you didn’t name me (a wise decision). But based on the commonalities of that letter and our real life interactions, I deduced that you were writing to me.

And… there is that little thing about me refusing to accept or deny your friend request.

Funny, you wanted me to read the note/letter, but you didn’t send it to me. You put it on Facebook for our mutual friends the world to see. … You still have my e-mail address. You could have used it. But no. You chose the route of passive aggression. You wrote an open Facebook note. You put your business out there self-deprecated the hell out of yourself and poked fun at me and others who leave people in social network limbo. Ingenious. Idiocy.

These are the friend requests left in purgatory of a guy named Steve Dawson. The first guy is his dad. The second is his mother. The third? A grade school teacher. All understandable.

These are the friend requests left in purgatory by a guy named Steve Dawson. The first guy is his dad. The second is his mother. The third? A grade school teacher. All understandable.

Well, I’m not using a public forum to respond. But I do have a few answers for you.

You want to know why I have left you in purgatory two years, 145 days, five hours and six minutes (I found the original e-mailed request and added up the time)? I don’t like you. And I know you well enough to know that leaving you in limbo would frustrate you from time to time, similar to the way your presence once annoyed me.

Like you said, it’s karma, baby. Don’t worry, though. It’s not just you.

I currently have 132 people — 131 of them are men — in purgatory for a multitude of reasons. One guy has a tattoo of his own name on his face for a profile picture. Another has permanent gold crowns across his top row of teeth. There are a few old co-workers who don’t necessarily get that I’d like to nudge in front of a moving train instead of conversating with them. There’s a guy whose breath smells like the inside of a Chili Cheese Fritos bag. Then there’s a dude who asked me for my number and has never called, but friended me on Facebook.

Finally, there’s you. What can I say? A lot. You took me to Applebee’s for dessert and paid with a gift certificate you won from a raffle ticket you didn’t buy. I told you I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten all day. I wanted dinner. Not some apple cinnamon delight that you thought you could woo me with. I didn’t care that you were a broke college student. Truism: Not feeding a hungry woman will make her angry and think of strangling you for no reason. A bowl of microwaved Ramen would have worked.

I digress.

I don’t care what you say, when we were cool you told me a few too many white lies when simple truths would have sufficed. And you thought you knew everything, and probably still do. But most important, you were annoying as hell.

I don’t know if you’re any better now. Honestly, I care for you as much as I currently care for Jeffery Dahmer, Elliott Spitzer and Kwame Kilpatrick combined. Really, I just wanted to reply and explain the the reasons for leaving you in purgatory — the No. 1 of which is because we’re clearly not friends.

That said, I don’t understand why people accept social network “friendships” from people they don’t know or dislike. They share their personal business, feelings and emotions. Then they get mad when their business hits the streets and gets run over like Bambi’s best friend intestines.

Here’s an idea: Only befriend the people you’re actually friends with and/or trust. That’s why I have more people in purgatory than I have accepted as friends. And even then, know that your friends will cross you. When they do, it just might be time to click “Remove from Friends.”

I did that to you on MySpace, remember? Why? Again, I don’t like or trust you. I do, however, like being able to see your profile and commenting on your pictures. Having you in purgatory allows me to do those things. I know. It makes it seem as though I care. And I do. But only enough to where I can talk about my disdain for you when a situation warrants.

I know this seems petty. But hey, that’s life. What are you gonna do? Write me another letter. Probably so. *shrugs*

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Still Has You In Facebook Friend Purgatory

P.S. Oh yeah, the one woman in purgatory is my mom. I heard about you not adding yours and I can’t bring myself to do it, either.

Note: This is clearly a spoof. If you want, share this tomfoolery on Facebook.

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56 responses to “RE: 1. Facebook Friend Purgatory

  1. @thegirlwhostillhasmeinFFP: Thank you so much for the reply.

    It all makes sense now. I’m glad I asked “Why?” to myself.

    But there was one thing I did notice. You used the non-word “conversating” when you should have said “conversing.”

    That shows you haven’t been reading TMCY consistently. Google TMCY and conversate. Trust me, you’ll learn a thing or two. lol.

  2. I’m smh at you. Forget this “may” concern me….it “does” concern me.

    • @moni:

      Dear No. 2,

      I’m grateful for your concern and your smhing at me. Now, if I could only get you to stop telling me to “shut up” when I’m not saying anything and you’re trying to guess what I’m thinking … life would be perfect. lol.

      Sincerely,

      Dame

  3. LMAO @ “Like you said, it’s karma, baby. Don’t worry, though. It’s not just you.”

    That was good, I laughed for 5 minutes before I could even finish the post.

    Yeh, there are a few out there who just plain need to be left in purgatory, yeh, FB purgatory also. *lol* I have so many that I don’t want as friends that I just don’t even bother joining FB.

    • @solo: I’m glad you found as much joy in reading as I did in writing it.

      The people who know me, know that I spend a helluva lot of time laughing at the foolish stuff I think about and actually write … I’m just glad I can appease a few of you all.

  4. You are a fool. I was reading thinking *snap* “I guess she told you” LOL. Hilarious. My cousin has about 100 people in facebook purgatory because she is too lazy to just click the ignore button.

    • @tam: I’ve learned to get this way concerning party promoters … Every time I click “Not Attending” or “Ignore” I get another invite to the same event the next day …

      WTF.

      That’s a horrific marketing strategy. You won’t do a damn thing but annoy the hell out of people. smh.

      • My favorite are people who know I don’t live in (enter college city here) anymore and still invite me to their events.

        ‘SCUSE ME… What, do you want me to tell my friends?

        Don’t and don’t. Thanks.

    • I am the same way…. I am sick of getting invites for everything including, “_____ sent you a ghetto love tap. Will you accept.?” so I just let them sit there also.

  5. Damon this is funny as hell! I was reading this thinking dayuumm homegirl came with it – then I got to the end and was like ok I know this fool did not just reply to himself…and then hol up scroll down to the comments…did this fool just reply to his reply to himself lmao…I’m still lmao but in the back of my mind wondering if the concerned need to start a fund for that shrink you refuse to waste money on lol.

    • @jamie: lol … I’m so glad that you caught all of that because I was sitting here laughing at myself when I left the first comment. And I do mean to the point where my eyes started watering.

      There are some people out there who will disagree with you, but I don’t need a shrink. I promise. My head is screwed on tight. … But I will take the fund “the concerned” collect and use it for good, not evil. I promise. lol.

  6. interesting that there’s a fine line between ingenious & idiocy. like the line btwn ‘apple cinnamon delight (LMAO)’ and ramen noodles. that truism is real talk, man.
    i really did sorta assault a man for (long story short) taking me out alllll day & supplying me with SNACKS. are you kidding me?! smh & everything else.
    so dame, cheers to you for reminding me to delete him on FB. 🙂

    • @tameka: you better watch your back. If you delete him, he might write you an open letter on Facebook and start a blog around it. lol.

      And yeah, I kinda sorta found out about that truism this weekend. smh. If you feed a woman she’ll be appeased. If you feed her too much, she’ll catch the Itis … and pass out. good stuff. lol.

  7. Hey, y’all.

    @damon: Hilarious. You are stupid in the best possible way. 🙂 You crack me up. Gotta love the advantages & disadvantages of Facebook Purgatory…and the fun & jest that goes along w/it.

  8. Ok so after I got off the phone with you last night I got like 3 more phone calls and didn’t get around to reading this but I’m at my desk this morning cracking my arse off at this mess. You are a fool! LMBAO! This is really really clever, and the sad part about it is that I’m sure this is really how she feels but would never have the guts to say all this to you…smh

    • @jlbd: I was trying to explain this to someone last night. I was like, “This is probably pretty damn close to how she feels about me.”

      The person on the phone was like, “Why do you even care that much?”

      I was like, I really don’t. I just think it funny … so I wrote it. *shrugs*

      • I don’t think it’s about you ‘caring’ so much about how she feels but it’s the ‘not knowing’ thing that I think you may be hung up on. Clearly you guys had communicated before, despite of the interactions back in college; and for the communication to just completely fall off like that would annoy anyone. So, I know you don’t care like that but the concept of it all is absolutely hilarious…

        • “So, I know you don’t care like that but the concept of it all is absolutely hilarious…”

          That’s what I care about. The hilarity in it all. People fall off. That’s no big deal.

          I could name several people I was cool with that I fell off with for no reason at all. Seasons change. … But this is pure hilarity to me. I’m just glad y’all are laughing with/at/about me.

          We can’t always be serious. Ya know?

  9. no kidding, I’m still over here dying laughing at you posting a comment…

  10. LOL. You had me until you used “conversating”. Pretty freakin’ funny.

    • @travis: You know the best part? I figured people would be able to tell immediately that I wrote it. People on Facebook are talking about reading three-fourths of it before realizing I wrote it.

      It’s not what I intended, which is pretty hilarious in itself. smh. lol. *shrugs*

  11. Funny. The use of “conversate” (a nails-on-the-chalkboard WTF family classic, to say the least) wins you a rimshot every time.

    This is why I want no parts of FB, MySpace or Twitter: I prefer in-person foolery. 😀

    • @rainebeaux

      True story: my fiance used the word ‘conversate’ one time and I said ‘you mean converse…’ and he goes, ‘yeah, whatever, ain’t nobody talkin’ about no tennis shoes…’

      *DEAD*

      • and that’s still your fiance?

        • yes, because clearly he was joking…

          • and if he wasn’t? (I’m joking)

          • okay. cool. but if he wasn’t, would he still be your fiance?

            • anyone that would be serious in that joke wouldn’t have been with me in the first place…I’m pretty sure those ‘types’ wouldn’t have gotten past the first date with me because their initial conversation would have spoken volumes… lighten up, we are all joking around here…

              • @jlbd: we’re joking, too, silly.

                • yeah, i’m a jokester too. i’m not asking seriously. unless of course he was serious then i’d get serious about the people we should leave. like if my WIFE said something like that right now and was serious, I would immediately text her one of those phone numbers you see on light poles that say “Get Your Divorce Done for $275”.

                  really though, it’s all in jest.

                  • lol, you are so wrong for that one. If you’ve already jumped the broom with her I would suggest you sticking to that ‘for better or for worse’ vow and help her out with some grammar lessons….lmao! ahhhh, jokes jokes…

                    • Hooked on Phonics, anyone?

                    • I would consider the serious use of “yeah, whatever, ain’t nobody talkin’ about no tennis shoes…’” as excuse for her use of the word conversate a blatant misrepresentation of the product which I vowed my fidelity and commitment to and thus a null and void of said “better or worse” contract clause.

                      it would be similiar to buying a blender that can’t puree. If the damn thing doesn’t permit me to make a fruit smoothy, it’s getting returned. They put a picture of fruit and a delicious fruit smoothy on the packaging, I expect it to be done. My wife has a doctorate, I expect her to be able to use proper english . . .otherwise, I’m back on the market! LOL.

    • @rainebeaux:

      I will not stop using conversate. If I think it works, I will debit that card like Al Sharpton plays his race card or his VISA at some Manhattan beauty salon …

  12. Damon, I’m dissapointed.

    I soiled myself laughing at this thinking it was actually real. Only to find out it was a spoof and that I had ruined another pair of Premium Hanes Boxer Briefs. (Those are expensive. They only come in two packs! I’ll expect a money order for the $9.98 it costs to replace at Target. NO CHECKS!).

    In the future, please be sure that the hilarity and comedy associated with your posts are factual in it’s content as it justifies my loss of control of bodily functions. Otherwise, its just me simply pissing on myself.

    Thank you for your consideration!

    • @rob: The next time I’m in the Chi, which might be sometime this summer, I’m bringing you a pair … trust …. lol.

      Seriously, I thought everybody would figure out that it was a spoof like two graphs in … why would I let someone blast me like that on my blog? hilarity.

      • because if you did, it would show how insignificant this persons actual impression of you was and more importantly . . . it would permit us to laugh for hours on end. . .stop being selfish and thinking about your self and self worth.

        furthermore, this is where I began the “soiling”. . .

        “You want to know why I have left you in purgatory two years, 145 days, five hours and six minutes (I found the original e-mailed request and added up the time)? I don’t like you.”

        That blunt, real and harsh “I don’t like you” made me laugh like the first time I watched Eddie Murphy RAW.

        • @rob:

          I started laughing about two months ago, when I first thought about writing this spoof reply. Just wait … there will be more.

          And for real, if she could probably say it to me, she tell it just like that: “I don’t like you.”

          I tried to be authentic.

          • okay. . . this will cause a second soiling.

            did you actually take this chick to applebees and pay for her dessert with a gift certificate?

            • A gift certificate that I didn’t buy … yes, it’s a true story.

              The second reply will be better whenever I get around to writing it… maybe next week. Just the thought of it is hilarious.

              • and thus, the soiling begins. i have a similiar facebook purg story that I could share that involves espn, a dorm room couch and turning on the lights . . . but i’m married now and it’s not appropriate for blogging due to the wide spread use of the internet these days. ask me about it when u get to the chi.

            • Yes he did…

    • I soiled myself as soon as I read that you’d soiled yours.

      Ok, not only is this letter tomfoolery at it’s finest, so are these comments!

      Whoo… AMEN.

  13. Awesomely hilarious! LMAO!

  14. This sh*t right here… (cue Katt) Williams

    Amazing. Just amazing. You weren’t lying when you said your foolishness was in gear. C-L-A-S-S-I-C.

    Facebook purgatory is still a tool of the devil, though, and when you use it, you’re doing the devil’s work. The end.

  15. natural nubian

    look, you can’t confuse early bird wakers like this! no lie (once again) i scrolled up & down, thinking “oh, damon wrote this.” then u gonna reply to it!?!?! dayum man, it’s monday (i.e. too early for such good humor). i’m sitting here reading comments, clicking the back button trying to figure out your madness.

    not cool…..but very very funny.

    • @NN: You know I’m a complex simpleton. *shrugs*

      All I wanna do is have fun, though. You know this, too. This week is only going to get better … trust.

  16. LMAO hot mess! And it ain’t “clearly” a spoof. Shoot, I could see it happening. Kudos, Dame

  17. omfg! that was ridiculously funny. cant believe u were checkin yourself. 2funny! for a min, i thought u stole a page from my book…..

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