41. Lamar Odom

Lamar,

So the rumors are true, and I couldn’t be more dumbfound than I am as I write this. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that you feel as though you’ve found someone you can share your life with and you’re willing to make that commitment. That’s wonderful.

But I don’t get how you make such a major decision in less than 31 days of knowing someone. There are people who know more about Khloe from watching Kardashian reality television shows than you possibly could, although you could go back and watch the DVDs. But you’re committing yourself to her in marriage after a whirlwind courtship?

Lamar & Khloe sitting in a tree... and they're getting hitched before you can finish the song.

Lamar, you do realize that you took more time deciding whether or not to play the upcoming season alongside Dwyane Wade or Kobe Bryant this summer than you spent deciding to walk the plank with Khloe, right? You’ve gotta think that’s a little strange that you have a better feel for Kobe and Wade on the basketball court than you do for your bride-to-be in the house.

Now, I’m not writing this letter to chastise you or your decision, although I do think it’s insane…ly premature. I don’t want you pulling a Richard Jefferson because of me. And I don’t want you thinking it can’t work. Although, the statistics aren’t on your side.

I’m just wondering how it works: How do you decided in less than a month of dating someone that you want to be with that person forever, that you want to jump a broom with him or her?

I’ve had my share of situations with the opposite sex. And not once have I come to the conclusion that I could would marry someone in a 31-day period. Sure, I’ve noticed positive signs about a woman after a good conversation or two, moments where I’ve thought “she might make a good wife some day.” But never have I left a convo thinking “that’s the woman I’m going to marry in less than 31 days of knowing her because she completes me and I’ve gotta wed her before I leave for training camp.”

That just doesn’t seem right. But maybe it is. Who knows? Only time will tell for you and your bride-to-be, huh?

Although I’m certain I won’t marry someone I’ve known less than a year, I just want you to share with us how you know it’s right so soon in case this situation presents itself to anyone I know. There are millions upon millions of people out there looking for love, and you’ve found it in such a short time. Again, that’s great. I just want you to share that secret with the rest of us who happen to be looking for that spark you and Khloe have found.

I’m sure there are plenty of women who want to know how they can get 9 carats in less than a month. Maybe you should write a book about everything that’s happened over the last month. You and Khloe can lead them to the promised land. Who knows? Maybe you could outsell Steve Harvey and recoup what you spent on that ring … for someone you’ve known for less than a month.

Anyway, I hope Sunday is everything you’ve dreamt it to be.

Cheers,

Dame

P.S. Don’t do it. Reconsider. Read some liter..ature on this subject. Are you sure?

XXXIII. Women Who Don’t Watch Sports

“They still make you?” Chris Rock comparing women who don’t perform a certain act in the bedroom to the BetaMax.

Dear Ladies (especially the talented Comeback Jones):

The aforementioned quote is not just a death sentence for a relationship that lacks the certain bedroom act men have come to expect. No, it applies to our pasttime of sports watching as well.

A major part of any relationship is getting into what your significant other likes to do, right? Men like sports, and over time, most women have figured out that knowing or learning her man’s favorite sport will work in her favor.

Those of you who still don’t quite get this, befuddle me. I know your breed isn’t necessarily dying a quick death. But still, I don’t understand why you won’t conform to the male societal norms.

Yes, there are guys out there who don’t watch sports, if that’s what you’re looking for in a suitor. Problem is, finding a guy like that that you will want to be with is like the CIA trying to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s current location.

Knowing about this screenshot from a football game last week would have been a great conversation starter with most any man in America this weekend. But you have no clue, do you?

There also are men in this world who don’t want you to watch the game with them, but with good reason. They’d rather watch the game with the fellas and/or Girlfriend No. 2. You know, the girl who actually understands what a first down is because they don’t feel like they should be teaching a grown person about a game they learned at six. They’re annoyed by your nagging questions, most of which you’ve asked before but didn’t take in the answers.

So your man requites you with tomfoolery like this:

Kurt Warner throws an interception in the SuperBowl and you ask, “Honey, what is a turnover?”

He replies, “It’s like a Hot Pocket but with an apple filling.”

Know that if you ask a question like this and he responds in a sarcastic tone, there’s a 97.2 percent chance a break up is imminent. Most men don’t like being forced to reiterate things. It drives us insane.

So hear me clearly: If you want your current relationship to last, you should learn the basics about your man’s favorite two sports and his favorite teams. I’m not saying you should know who Tyler Thigpen is. But you should know Tom Brady for more than being Gisele’s beau.

Perfect example: When my stepmother met my father, she didn’t know much about baseball or football. She couldn’t tell you the difference between a false start or a holding penalty. On the other hand, my father breathed baseball into his 30s, so she didn’t have much of a choice. As an 8-year-old, I knew more about the two sports than my stepmother.

But as time wore on, she caught on to the games because she knew it would help her relationship out and would be a way to bond with my dad. Now, she can tell you the difference between a curveball and a change-up… in person, something most guys can’t do. She knows a turnover isn’t necessarily a Hot Pocket-like, apple-filled delight. And it has served her well since she began learning.

See, a woman who can talk/watch sports is 23 times better than man’s best friend. In comparison to you, the BetaMax, she’s Steve Jobs’ personal iPhone. While you’re at home, watching a marathon of Lifetime movies with your 20-pound tub of popcorn and vat of Chunky Munky, there’s a chance the girl who knows the game, in the literal and figurative senses, is out watching and playing it with the guy you want or your man and his friends.

Monica Lewinsky, anyone? I bet she knows the difference between a fumble and an interception. I’m just saying… If you don’t, someone else will. Step your game up. Football season kicked in Saturday. You’re behind.

Sincerely,

Damon

XXV. Imogen Heap

Dear Imogen,

I enjoy solving puzzling problems and decode hidden meanings. I love reconstructing the fragments of a broken glass house and gaining understanding from the pieces. Maybe, a little too much at times.

This is why I’m writing you, because I want to know the true inspiration behind your best know song “Hide & Seek.” It’s a powerful track that I often put on repeat. It’s been the soundtrack to a few television shows and films. It’s even been parodied by SNL.

It’s one of my favorite songs because of what’s hidden within the song, and the different ways people interpret it. There’s the idea of a broken relationship. There are people who think it’s about 9/11. And there are people who think you’re looking at divorce from a child’s perspective among others. But you’ve never really said what it means. Trust, I’ve scoured these here Internets for a definitive answer, with no success.

Imogen Heap, one of my fav artists from the UK.

And it’s tough to figure it out on your own. You can picture so much woven into your fragmented string of words. It’s sorta like you’re splotching a canvass with paint and then coloring over that with Crayola. Yet, somehow, you come back with a masterpiece, one many find profound because it spells out so much of what’s wrong in the world.

I see the divorce angle best. It hits home. My parents split before I could collect any real memories of who they were. I never saw them together. But I, like many children of divorced parents, have vivid memories of their post-marriage arguments. I can only imagine what’d be like to actually live through the moments of moving day for divorcing parents.

The thoughts and fragility of children, they’re things that aren’t weighed as often as they should be. Too many parents let “ransom notes” fall from their mouths while their children are young. So much so that it becomes harder to believe their words concerning each other as time passes.

And it’s there, at the bridge, where the song hit me. I can hear you pleading with your parents to consider your feelings as well, then deciding indifference, the worst option in most cases, might be the best path.

Still, considering how fragmented the lyrics are, there’s so much to ponder. Why would “busy streets a mess with people stop to hold their heads heavy?” I see 9/11. What about the “trains and sewing machines?” I see a wedding falling apart before that day. So much randomness packed into five frail minutes. Yet, the song keeps returning to it’s title: “Hide & Seek,” a child’s game. So it’s coming from a child’s perspective, right?

I don’t know. It’s your song. It’s beautiful, but you tell me. I enjoy gazing at impeccable art and pondering the meaning. Sometimes, though, you want the artist to lob it at you so that the game can end.

Then again, there’s something about seeking things out for yourself, something about opening all the wrong doors until finally, you find the right one… or even knowing that you’re never gonna find that one. To some, that chase is much more profound than the conclusion.

Maybe I should continue seeking the answers in my life and stop asking so many questions. That is, unless you want to answer.

At peace with not knowing, I guess,

Damon

P.S. The release date (Aug. 18th) for the new album, Ellipse, is a great choice and a great day: My birthday.

Michael’s Muses

We all know MJ’s catalog is as endless as it is timeless. In this musical treasure trove are  songs to/about a few muses, and in this songs Mike told tales that still ring true today. I’ve ordered Mike’s most notable muses from worst to best.

Lyric: “I’ve been here times before. But I was too blind to see that you seduce every man. This time you won’t seduce me.”

6. Dirty Diana. She’s the worst of the listed muses. Why? She knew of Michael’s previous troubles with Billie Jean, and didn’t care. Diana just wanted to get on, no different from the girls The Game and & Kanye talk about in “Wouldn’t Get Far.” She’d break up a happy home with ease. Diana even went so far as to tell Michael’s woman at home that he was sleeping with her that night. For real, Diana was nothing more than a Smooth Criminal of the heart. Maybe that’s why he was asking “Ani (Diana), are you OK?” Who knows?

Lyric: “She told my baby we’d danced ’til three. Then she looked at me. Then showed a photo my baby cried: His eyes looked like mine.”

5. Billie Jean. This is what happens when fame comes, and you start mingling with girls. Mike told her that he wanted to rock with her on the dance floor and suddenly he “impregnated” her. Now, Mike has to head to Maury Povich because his real girlfriend thinks the baby has his  hat eyes. Really, Billie Jean just wants to capitalize and catch MJ up in some drama. Many a celeb can attest to a Billie Jean-like story, and Mike was just trying to warn them all to stay off “the dance floor.” If you know Thriller, the album, Mike quickly reminds you that cause for Billie Jean’s transgressions is just “Human Nature.”

Lyric: “More precious than any pearl. Your love so complete.”

4. Liberian Girl. A muse who caused MJ few problems. He genuinely loved her. She love him. And even more, Mike’s friends loved her. Click the link and check out the video’s star power. Hell, even Weird Al came out for a cameo.

Lyric: “Where did you come from, ooh, and won’t you take me there?”

The cover for the PYT single ...

3. P.Y.T. When Michael came to understand Billie Jean’s Human Nature, he could move on and spit his game proper. He found a new woman let her know that he loved the way she looked, giving her an acronym to fit. He made it obvious that he wanted her upfront by saying that he wanted her to make his “nature rise.” But yeah, that’s how Mike supposedly got in trouble with Diana and Billie, right? Maybe Diana and Billie are pretty young thangs, too? Too bad those heffas couldn’t show him the Good Life. *shrugs* Then again, maybe she’s the one?

Lyric: “You’re every wonder in this world to me, a treasure time won’t steal away.”

2. Lady in My Life. L.M.L. is what happened when the P.Y.T. proves her worth, trust and love to Michael over time. It’s a ballad that will stand the test of time. It’s the final track of Thriller, and it helps put in perspective just why the album is so great. It tells a story familiar to many of us.

Lyric: “You’re always running here and there. You feel you’re not wanted anywhere.”

1. Ben. What? This isn’t a joke. Yes, been was a rat. But he was the inspiration for Michael’s first chart-topping solo single. It’s no surprise that Mike was singing to rat. He was a certifiable genius, and maybe this is the moment Mike came to realize that his crazy would be a part of his genius. Seriously, Mike won a Golden Globe for the song and was nominated for an Academy Award as well. Ben is undeniable.

A few of my fav muse songs from other artists: “Mandy” by Barry Manilow, “Sara” by Jefferson Starship, “Charlene” by Anthony Hamilton, “Maxine” by John Legend, “Victoria” by John Mayer, “Marilie” by Brian McKnight.

What’s your favorite muse song and why?

RE: 2. Sarah Palin

Ed’s Note: Another “reply” hit the TMCY e-mail inbox earlier this week. I had to share. In your head, be sure to read this as though your name is Tina Fey.

Dear Damon,

Sorry, I’m just now getting back to you. I got the letter in the mail in early February, and wanted to thank you for your glowing admiration of me back then. But I needed time to think. See, I’ve been busy coming up with grizzly bear-like point guard analogies to explain to America why I was stepping down as Governor of Alaska.

I think they went over well, don’t you?

As dumb as this reply is, you can't tell if Tina wrote it that well or if Sarah actually did it herself, can you?

I’ve been doing that, and I’ve been raising my tribe of children. But your little analogy about playing with my family on The Sims just tickled me so much that I actually created a Sims Palin family. Yes, I’ve failed at the game with the fam. Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but that’s the real reason I resigned. *winks* I realize that I can’t beat this darned *winks* game while committing my time to the state of Alaska and my family. And you know I dislike taking the blame for losing. For God’s sake, I’m a maverick!

But now that I’ve used my right grizzly paw to pass the basketball-like Alaska government on to someone else and retired to my wondrous view of Russia, I’ve found the time to reply to you.

I want to thank you for comparing me to John Madden. In piecing together my analogies and similes, I’ve always thought of Madden as a great mentor and sterling example. I actually own a looped cassette tape of him saying “90 percent of the game is half-mental.” That was brilliant. I’m so sad to see him retire. He made Walter Cronkite sound like a chipmunk.

Your comparison has inspired me so much that I’m considering taking my viewpoints of the Russian sunset to the airwaves. You know, I want to fight for the big businesses little people — and those midgets, too. Collin O’Brien announced the name of my future show on that late show Jimmy Leno used to host. It’s titled: “Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?”

See, I figure it like this: All of these prognosticators, pontificators and left-wing eating people keep blaming me for everything that I’m not doing and saying. And I just want to prove to them that I know that the capital of Alaska is Wasilla. Seriously, I could take Bill O’Reilly AND Rush Limbaugh at that Double Jeopardy game.

As the great Kanye West says, why won’t these people just “LET ME BE GREAT?!” Is that too much to ask? I think not. Speaking of Kanye, I don’t hate all black people. I have two nobly black friends — Michael Steele and Uncle Clarence Thomas. Not just the required minimum.

Anyways, I regress.

If this whole reality television thing doesn’t workout, I have a good Plan B that doesn’t include a trip to Planned Parenthood. (That took me two weeks to think up, but it’s a good one isn’t it?)

I’m gonna move to Dallas so that I can learn from the greatness that was our 43rd President, Dubya. I have dreams of beating Obama in 2012, ya know? *winks* And in my spare time, I’m going to tryout as a cheerleader point guard for Mark Cuban’s NBA basketball team. If they’ll let crazy people like Stephon Marbury play, they’ll give me a shot … to pass the ball and resign. Heck, I’m already a maverick!

And I saw that you named me to your first-team All-American Muzzle squad. So I should be good for something on the basketball field.

Heading into the Russian woods to hunt some duck,

Sarah “The Grizzly Bear Snuggling Seth Green in That Film Preview” Palin

P.S. I really enjoy conversating with you via letter. We should keep this transcontinental penpal thing up.

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