49. Removable Facebook Friends

A good status update: “KB thinks Facebook should install the ‘Dislike’ feature for these entries. Fifty dislikes, you’re suspended from Facebook. A hundred dislikes, and the police are called.” ~ a witty friend who got a *thumbs up* from me.

From the Facebook page of the person whose DNA is most like mine, my brother.

From the Facebook page of the person whose DNA is most like mine, my brother.

To Removable Facebook Friends:

I said at the end of TMCY’s first letter (1. Facebook Friend Purgatory) that the day would come when I wrote a letter to you people. Please believe that there are several of you whom I have considered deleting.

They include, but are not limited to, the following: the person who asks inappropriate questions on my wall, the person who uses inappropriate language in every status message or when he/she comments on mine, the party promoter who sends 12 different messages about the same event (thank you R-Dub for halting that), the person who sends me invites for every new Facebook application that I will never use, my Not-So-Super Ex-Girlfriend (actually deleted a few times) and former co-workers whom I don’t want to have access to my life/profile.

Anyone on Facebook with at least 14 friends has pondered deleting one of the aforementioned persons. But they are not who this is about. This letter narrows its focus on a special kind of friend.

This letter speaks to you — the mindless pals who continue telling me that you are  “sleeping,” “eating,” “walking the dog” or “at home.”

Time.com’s Claire Suddath, a good young writer, recently penned a piece saying that she doesn’t want to know what you’re thinking in your Facebook status updates. I think she’s got it wrong this time (but she killed the “25 Random Things” meme … twice). Most people don’t want to know what you’re doing. Humor us — your alleged friends — with your profound insight. Make us chuckle to the point that we might want to leave a compelling or witty comment/response or strike up a serious dialogue. If you can’t, stop posting status updates.

The only people who care about your whereabouts or what you’re doing are your significant others (in case you’re cheating), your mother and/or your children. But you can text them that mess … or even go back to The Stone Age that is the 1990s and PLACE A PHONE CALL.

I digress.

You waste my eyesight, brain matter and time by constantly telling me stuff I don’t want to know. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t care. That is, unless you happen to be sitting next to Pacman Jones in a strip club when he’s preparing to make it pour Ben Franklins in a tornadic fury. The irony of your whereabouts in that situation merits a Facebook status update.

This is how I feel when I read about 62.3 percent of the status messages on Facebook, like I'm getting rained on. At least it's rain and not bullets. I wouldn't mind it be money so long as Pacman was nowhere near.

This is how I feel when I read about 62.3 percent of the status messages on Facebook, like I'm getting rained on. At least it's rain and not bullets. I wouldn't mind it be money so long as Pacman was nowhere near.

If you pick up 33 Benjis and take a few days off work, I don’t blame you. If you get shot when bullets start spraying the club, know that I do care. But you shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Trouble follows Pacman like the rain cloud chases Charlie Brown.

Listen, I don’t care for you to tell me that you are asleep … unless you’re willing to admit that you’re snoring on top of a picture of Scarlett Johansson. Do you get it? Be interesting. Tell me what you think. Be witty. Be sarcastic. Be enlightening. As Common says just “Be” … thinking something or shut … the … [insert anger word] … up stop typing.

There’s a reason Facebook’s innovators changed the status update to ask “What’s on your mind?”  They hoped to stop you from telling us:  “[Insert name] is watching ‘For the Love of Brandy’s Brother.'” They want you to let us know what you’re thinking, hence the question.

Mark Zuckerberg’s minions should force Facebook users to begin their status updates with the words “thinks” and/or “wonders” just like they made us use the enabling “is” for-e-ver. That would solve this problem tomorrow.

But that’s not happening. So I’ll just say this: Don’t tell me that you “are bowling” unless you’re doing so at The White House with President Obama, you beat him and do so while rocking stilettos(women) and/or male skinny jeans so tight you can’t properly bowl. Considering his misguided bowling game, that wouldn’t be much of a feat. But it would interest me. If it’s just you, I don’t care unless you slip and bust your (bottom) and are willing to admit it. Bowl a perfect game, and I’ll congratulate you with a “like” because that’s worth my time.

Capiche? Good.

Deuces,

Damon

P.S. Whodini’s “Friends” or Common’s “Be”
P.S.S. Share this letter on Facebook with your friends.

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32 responses to “49. Removable Facebook Friends

  1. I gotta say I disagree on this one. Not every status update has to insightful/witty/thought provoking. In fact I have some friends who have found themselves in an unofficial competition for who can have the most “interesting” update. While it may be narcissistic to assume people care about what you’re eating for breakfast, I tend to live by the notion, they have the right to post it and I have right not to care. I just skip past it and comment on status updates that compel me to do so. Additionally, sometimes I may be in the mood for Mexican and see someone on FB is eating Mexican at that very moment. Lame I know, but those moments of commonality are nice sometimes.

    • @kim: no worries. And it’s not like I’m going to delete any of my friends (there’s actually one I will delete who updates her status 20 times a day with nonsensical stuff) for updating their statuses with their mundane whereabouts or musings.

      It’s just annoying because I really don’t care to know. And I know there are plenty of people who don’t care to know what I’m thinking. lol. It’s just an opinion … and as my fav cousin says, “opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and most of them stink.” lol.

  2. One time, just for kicks, I put up: “I’m sitting on the toilet reading all these lame status updates,” in my status. People responded by saying: “We didn’t need to know exactly what you were doing.” To them I replied, “Me either.”

    BTW: Do you know how I can block all application invites? Thise things drive me crazy and I’m sick of clicking the ignore button. A part of me is paranoid that my “fake friends” would get offended and know that I ignored their stupid invite. I’d hate to miss out on a good Christmas present on account of the ignore button.

    knawmean?!!

    • “Damon: wants you to know that he treats 96.73 percent of Facebook application invites like e-mail spam. He wishes Facebook would rid itself of the useless ones.”

      @RiPPa: that’s how I tried to block people from sending me requests for application invites … Didn’t work though. i got five the next day. Guess those people didn’t read my status update.

      Your “toilet” status, comments and reply are hilarious. That’s good comedy, and I’m mad I didn’t think of it first. Though I doubt I would have said that. lol.

  3. I used to update my status with notices of my mundane daily tasks until one of my friends called me on it. Now I at least make an attempt to say something semi-witty or thought provoking. I’ve recently just started talking $hit for no reason in my status because those seem to get the most comments. I rate my success on how many comments I get.

    I have also tried to start limiting my fb status updates to twice a day max unless something particularly exciting pops in my mind.

    Too bad that most people are lazy and boring so they will not take the time to think of anything to say other than “is taking a nap”.

    Can you write a letter to people on fb that use names that aren’t really their real names and let them know that fb isn’t myspace? Thanks.

    • @tam: you have a good friend, the one who called you out.

      My friends call me out for updating my status too much. lol. But I can’t help how my mind works. I’ve slowed it down some, though. Two to three a day. … unless I decided I want to live blog a Mizzou game or something, which there won’t be until late Aug./Sept.

    • O…M…G… You must have read my mind about the people on facebook using fake names. The whole point of the website is to network with people that you already know and/or went to school with at some point. Yearbook=book of class members of a school during a specified time frame. Facebook=website of class members of a school during a specified time frame with the option of random family and friends. I can’t stand people that use fake names for the facebook profiles and I actually have like 5 friends that did that, one of them a family member….I didn’t even waste my time asking him why he did that because when he told me what he was listed under he seemed so proud of his clever wit. SMMFH….

      • I called out my one friend who did that when she joined facebook a few months back. I was like … “This is not Myspace…” use your name or else people will look at your crazy.

        Now it’s different if you’re like Comeback and you have two accounts to separate your personal life and your blog world. Me, I don’t care. My life is my life. And if I don’t want you to know it, I won’t put it on Facebook. lol.

  4. Now I really don’t update my status all that much. I can’t think of anything witty to say all the time…beyond that I’m barely on facebook anymore I am onto something new (but I’m not sure what).

    I just think all this communicating is stifling my progress.

  5. thecomebackgirl

    what happened to my comment??? i forgot what i wrote LOL!!!

  6. thecomebackgirl

    You know what tho? as much i rail against people with mindless tweets and fb updates, im kind of also fascinated by them. As selfimportant as most people find themselves..people really ARE interesting..Charles Kauralt said it many times before.

    The problem tho is what people THINK are interesting about them really is not. The “big deal” about most people (who tweet,fb) this tomfoolishness is the stuff THEY WON’T UPDATE ABOUT.

    The humanesss…the failings w/ the winnings…i mean we’re all great to somebody, but what makes you special is what you wont tweet about.

    ie…a shrink visit, a debate with a coworker, the ironic, boring or freaky stuff you watch on tv…

    “everybody’s has a story”..and when people get honest enough with themselves to tell it..all will be cool in the social networking world.

    • @cbg: I didn’t even get the chance to say “Be Deep (Comeback Girl)” ~Granddad from Boondocks

      Wow. That’s a load. You know, my best male friends don’t really update their statuses that much except for one. Thing is, if they updated them with one-fourth of the random/salient thoughts that run through their heads or that we talk about regularly, they would have 10 comments a day.

      But they’re not concerned with the “hey, look at me” society we live in for real. And that’s not a bad thing. I’m concerned, but from a different perspective, I’m saying “look at my life, it’s as nuts as yours is, and that’s why our nation is so screwed up.”

      But you’re right. Everybody has a story. And 99.9 percent of them are hilarious comedic tragedies. That’s what we call life. Now if only we could get these people to share theirs with us, and not tell us that they made it home safely … unless they’re going to say “I made it home safely after being pulled over three times in two miles, all for DWB.” … it happens.

      • thecomebackgirl

        ““hey, look at me” society we live in for real. And that’s not a bad thing. I’m concerned, but from a different perspective, I’m saying “look at my life, it’s as nuts as yours is, and that’s why our nation is so screwed up.””

        I agree too..i noticed when i first started my blog the personal blog niche was still on some “my life sucks and this is why” and people were seriously trying to one up who had the worse life..NOW THATS LAME..im not playing victim or stupid for anybody or for long. Im always brush myself off and try all over again…and write about it in the process.

        Thats the story that im talking about. People have survivalist intincts. and if you’re still 6 feet above ground you got a comeback story to tell.

        • And that’s why I told you a few weeks ago to write more personal stuff. EVERYBODY has a crazy story. Everyone. lol.

          • thecomebackgirl

            i think there is a delicate balance tho..i started doing that in late 07′ and as my two readers i think already told you LOL…it went south fast..if you aren’t learning from your own shyt.. And i think you also frustrate people when you’re making the same dumb azz mistakes over and over.

            • you’re right, which is why I’m going to follow through with what I told you over e-mail. You know? My life can’t be a John Legend Track No. 8 (either of the first two albums), and I think that I’m really trying to tell someone else how to live right. That’d be some BS.

  7. OMG I WANT TO ERASE ALL THOSE PEOPLE TOO!!!! esp. those damn party promoters! Ugh! And it’s really bad where I live because the same people throw parties TOGETHER! so I recieve like 5 fbvites for the same party!!! Arrgh… For once we agree on something Damon…LOL

    Yeah and I think those ppl that leave every little detail about whats going on with them including when they piss are pretty lame *so that includes like half of my ‘friends’ unfortunately. I mean everyone knows most of the world spends their day on FB, but at least fake it like you have somethng else to do!

    Yeah this post definitely hit close to home. LOL

    -CAG

  8. I agree. I can’t stand the stupid status messages or people’s random thoughts… if they’re funny cool, but some people are just complete retards and shouldn’t be allowed to procreate dumbness. (irritated much? lol)

  9. I think that a little friend purging is good for the soul every now and then, especially if you realize that they’re not adding anything relevant to your lifespace. As it stands, I rarely update my status, unless it’s to ask a burning question like “How is Radioshack still in business?” or “Has anyone else noticed that En Vogue made songs named both ‘Hold On’ and ‘Don’t Let Go’ without sounding repetitive?”. These are the queries that spark conversation.

  10. Hey Nazi. you’ve got quite the dictatorship going on over here. Maybe they should change the name to DamonBook as well, lol

    Seik Hite! (I probably shouldn’t use terms that I don’t know exactly how to spell or know the meaning of, huh?)

    • @cuzzo: I love the fact that you said that, and then point a finger at yourself. That’s the funniest comment yet. And you’re lucky you have an inside joke with me now, and can get away with calling Hilter’s righthand man (or is that Tom Cruise?)

  11. oh I’m lucky? lol. now THATS the funniest comment yet. lol.

    j/k I wouldn’t want any letters written about me…unless they were nice ones 🙂

    • I obviously don’t know how to thread messages either…status update? lol

    • It’s OK, I wouldn’t write a letter about you that said anything mean. Trust. I don’t even know you like that. lol. … and just click the reply button next to the status you want to reply to. Simple as pie.

  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you! This has become my number 1 cyber pet peeve. I have done a number of things (including deletion) to free my news feed of these inane type of updates. I randomly talk about how much I hate this (in general terms) to friends who are guilty of it, and they’ve apparently recognized themselves in my rant and gotten better about it. Nothing like passive aggressiveness to change modify undesired behavior…

  13. natual nubian

    never seen the point of status updates. vintage throwback f/b is what the 1st loyal users fell in love with. it’s practically turned into a contained myspace. wouldn’t be surprised if users are allowed the choice to begin coloring their page backgrounds. *sigh*

    i must say though, it has proved to at least work for the benefit of one couple:

    http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2009/02/06/2009-02-06_the_worlds_first_divorce_by_facebook.html

    http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-10158210-71.html

  14. You know Damon, I enjoy your insight, mostly because I think the same way. I am cool with the occasional update about “going to bed” or “at work”, but what I despise are people who attempt to start joning on a person, TV show, or topic and have no grasp of the English language. You look stupid if you are ‘going off’ on someone and you have several misspelled words and no subject/verb/noun agreement. I would highly suggest the less-literate consider use of Firefox since it comes equipped with spell check…

    RE: Fake names, I ignore requests from ‘those people’ unless I am sure I know you, in which case I take time to evaluate if I wish to continue to know you and your bi-polar personality. What I find interesting is when I check the profile of a person who is requesting friendship with a fake name, their profile is almost always filled with coon commentary about gettin’ money and being in the studio laying down tracks and “I’m ‘Bout It” listed as ‘favorite movie’. Nick names that are not abbreviations of your government name should should be left in your locker at high school…and if it is for your yet-to-get-off-the-ground music career, save the thrill of what your name will be for when you actually get signed to a legitimate label.

    That’s all.

    • This rant is of high quality, but you already know this without me saying that. lol. This letter is specifically for one person. It has broad appeal because most people feel like that. But there is one friend who updates his/her status 20 times a day with mindless mess.

      That bothers me more than anything else. And you’re right about the people who can’t spell. The funny thing about it is that Facebook HAS SPELL CHECK. And I’ll admit, I will misspell a word every now and then. But not in every other status update when I have the red squiggly line to work with. That makes no sense. lol.

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